Random joke from this category
A ventriloquist was driving in the country when he was attracted to a large farm. He asked for and was given a tour.
As he was shown through the barn, the ventriloquist thought he'd have some fun. He proceeded to make one of the horses talk.
The hired hand, wide-eyed with fear, rushed from the barn to the farmer. "Sam," he shouted, "those animals are talking! If that sheep says anything about me, it's a damned lie!"
A middle aged rancher in pioneer days of old, had growen tired of working so hard to build a beautiful ranch house and huge herd to go with it. So he thought it would be nice to get one of those mail order brides. Well he sent for one and on the day she was arriving he hitched up his horse and buggy and headed for the nearest train station. After meeting his new bride, he loaded all her bags into the wagon and then headed for thier honeymoon home.
They had traveled only two miles when the horse stumbled, and the rancher got out and whipped the horse to its feet. He looked at the horse and said "THATS ONE" and got back in the wagon smiled at the woman and continued on thier way.
They traveled only another two miles when the horse stumbled again, and again the rancher got out of the wagon to whip the horse to its feet, telling the horse "THATS TWO". He took his seat beside his new bride and continued on thier way.
After traveling another two miles the horse stumbled for the third time. The rancher got out of the wagon carrying his rifle, he walk up to the horse and shot it right between the eyes, saying "THATS THREE".
He turn to the wagon only to hear his new bride say "why in the hell did you do that for, now we have to walk".
The rancher turn to the woman and said "THATS ONE".
A pheasant was standing in a field chatting to a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of yonder tree", sighed the pheasant, "but I haven't got the energy".
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients".
The pheasant pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch and so on. Finally, after a fortnight, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree, whereupon he was spotted by a farmer who dashed into the farmhouse, emerged with a shotgun, and shot the pheasant right out of the tree.
Moral of the Story:
Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
A life-long city man, tired of the rat race, decided he was going to give up the city life, move to the country, and become a chicken farmer. He found a nice, used chicken farm, which he bought. Turns out that his next door neighbor was also a chicken farmer. The neighbor came for a visit one day and said, "Chicken farming isn't easy. Tell you what. To help you get started, I'll give you 100 chickens."
The new chicken farmer was thrilled. Two weeks later the new neighbor stopped by to see how things were going. The new farmer said, "Not too good. All 100 chickens died." The neighbor said, "Oh, I can't believe that. I've never had any trouble with my chickens. I'll give you 100 more."
Another two weeks went by, and the neighbor stops in again. The new farmer says, "You're not going to believe this, but the second 100 chickens died too." Astounded, the neighbor asked, "what went wrong? What did you do to them?"
Well, says the new farmer, "I'm not sure whether I'm planting them too deep or not far apart enough."
You know you're in a small town.....
Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed.
With a low voice he sad to his wife, "Maude, when I'm dead and gone... I want you to marry farmer Jones."
"Oh no, I couldn't marry anyone after you!" Maude replies.
"But I want you to, Maude."
"But why?" Maude asks.
"Because that no good son of a bitch once cheated me in a horse trade!"
Larry's barn burned down, and Susan, his wife, called the insurance company ...
- Susan: We had that barn insured for fifty thousand and I want my money.
- Agent: Whoa there just a minute, Susan; it doesn't work quite like that. We will ascertain the value of the old barn and provide you with a new one of comparable worth.
- Susan, after a pause: I'd like to cancel the policy on my husband.
Harry and his wife are driving in the country when he sees a sign that says, "Cow For Sale...$5000." He pulls in and says to the farmer, "There's no cow in the world worth five thousand dollars." The farmer says, "Oh, yeah? Take a look at this." He lifts the cow's tail, and Harry sees the cow has a snatch just like a woman. Harry gets back in the car, turns to his wife, and says, "It's just not fair. Here's this farmer with a cow with a snatch like a woman, and it's worth $5000, and here I am, with you, with a snatch like a cow, and you're not worth shit."
A farmer and his girlfriend were out for a stroll in the fields when they came across a cow and a calf rubbing noses.
"Boy," said the farmer, "that sure makes me want to do the same."
"Well, go ahead," said his girlfriend. "It's your cow."
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorney asked, "May I help you?" The farmer said, "Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?" The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres." The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?" The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?" The farmer said, "Yea I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere." The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it in church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?"
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
