Drunks — worst jokes

Inebriated drinker says to the bartender (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

So, the bartender does just that and hands the man a bill for $37.00. The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender slaps the guy around a few times then throws him out into the street.

The very next day the same drunk walks into the bar and once again says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy everyone in the house a drink, pour yourself one, and give me the bill."

The bartender looks at the guy and figures to himself that he can't possibly be stupid enough to pull the same trick twice so he gives him the benefit of the doubt, pours a round of drinks for the house, has a drink himself and hands the drunk a bill for $37.00.

The drunk says, "I haven't got it." The bartender can't believe it, so he picks the guy up, beats the living day lights out of him, and throws him out into the street.

The next day the same drunk walks back into the same bar and says (with a drunken slur), "Bartender, buy every one in the house a drink, give me the bill."

In disgust the bartender says, "What, no drink for me this time?" The drunk replies, "No, you get violent when you drink."

Beer and the quotes it has helped create over the years...

I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day. -- Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober. -- William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. -- Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. -- Ernest Hemingway

You're not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. -- Dean Martin

Drunk is feeling sophisticated when you can't say it. -- Anonymous

No animal ever invented anything as bad as drunkenness - or as good as drink. -- G.K. Chesterton

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time. -- Catherine Zandonella

Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure. -- Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol. -- Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls. -- Ross Levy

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch? -- W.C. Fields

Beauty lies in the hands of the beer holder. -- Anonymous

If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. -- David Daye

Work is the curse of the drinking classes. -- Oscar Wilde

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. -- Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life. -- Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy. -- Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? -- Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven... -- Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. -- Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. -- Winston Churchill

He was a wise man who invented beer. -- Plato

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. -- Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose. -- Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. -- Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. -- Humphrey Bogart

Why is Australian beer served cold?
→ So you can tell it from urine. -- David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world. -- Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer. -- Homer Simpson

Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.

I drink to make other people interesting. -- George Jean Nathan

All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer. -- Homer Simpson

What do men and beer bottles have in common?
→ They are both empty from the neck up!

A bum asks a man for $2. The man asked, "Will you buy booze?" The bum said, "No." The man asked, "Will you gamble it away?" The bum said, "No." Then the man asked, "Will you come home with me so my wife can see what happens to a man who doesn't drink or gamble?"

James Macdonals and William Shoesmith, both 26, were sentenced to five years in prison for bank robbery. According to his lawyer, Macdonald hated his robbery work and had to drink before each job.

For what was to be the pair's last job, he got fall-down drunk and had to be carried by Shoesmith into the bank to pull off the heist. The two were soon captured.

Bellevue, WA
On Saturday, police broke up a disturbance between a couple arguing over which one was drunker. Both were arrested and taken to Overlake Hospital for treatment of injuries to their heads.

The police are charging them with disorderly conduct and disturbing the peace, but not assault.

They each injured themselves and not the other.

It seems, according to police and witnesses, that the couple were taking turns bashing their heads into the drywall walls and the wooden door of their apartment in order to prove they were so drunk that they couldn't feel the pain.

In 1967, the Soviet Government minted a beautiful silver ruble with Lenin in a very familiar pose - arms raised above him, leading the country to revolution. But, it was clear to everybody, that if you looked at it from behind, it was clear that Lenin was pointing to 11:00, when the Vodka shops opened, and was actually saying, "Comrades, forward to the Vodka shops."

It became fashionable, when one wanted to have a drink, to take out the ruble and say, "Oh my goodness, Comrades, Lenin tells me we should go."

LOS ANGELES TIMES, October 8:
People of northwestern Montana have been advised to be on the lookout for drunken bears. Black bears and grizzlies have been congregating along the tracks of the Burlington Northern railroad tracks, where a train carrying hundreds of tons of corn derailed some time ago. The corn has fermented, and the aroma is attracting the bears. "The bears are actually intoxicated up there," said wildlife biologist Loren Hicks. And a grizzly with a hangover can be cross as a bear.

The "Environmental Engineering News" published some rather sobering information about punishment for drunk driving convictions in other countries.

• In Australia, the names of drunk drivers are printed in newspapers under the caption, "He's drunk and in jail."
• In Malaysia the driver is jailed and, if married, the spouse is jailed.
• In the United Kingdom, Finland and Sweden there's an automatic jail term of one year.
• In Turkey, drunk drivers are driven twenty miles out of town and forced to walk back ten miles.
• In Bulgaria, a second drunk-driving conviction results in capital punishment.
• In El Salvador, your first offense is your last -- execution by firing squad.

From the August Road & Track.

A solution to all of your drinking troubles

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; shirt front is wet.
Fault: Mouth not open or glass being applied to wrong part of face.
Solution: Buy another pint and practice in front of a mirror. Continue with as many pints as necessary until drinking technique is perfect.

Symptom: Drinking fails to give satisfaction and taste; beer unusually pale and clear.
Fault: Glass is empty.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Feet cold and wet.
Fault: Glass being held at incorrect angle.
Solution: Turn glass so that open end is pointing at ceiling.

Symptom: Feet warm and wet.
Fault: Loss of self-control.
Solution: Go and stand beside nearest dog - After a while complain to its owner about its lack of house training.

Symptom: Bar blurred.
Fault: You are looking through the bottom of your empty glass.
Solution: Find someone who will buy you another pint.

Symptom: Bar swaying.
Fault: Air turbulence unusually high - maybe due to darts match in progress.
Solution: Insert broom handle down back of jacket.

Symptom: Bar moving.
Fault: You are being carried out.
Solution: Find out if you are being taken to another bar - if not complain loudly that you are being hi-jacked.

Symptom: The opposite wall is covered in ceiling tiles and has a fluorescent strip across it.
Fault: You have fallen over backwards.
Solution: If glass is still full, and no one is standing on your drinking arm, stay put. If not, get someone to lift you up and lash you to the bar.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim and you have a mouth full of teeth and dog-ends.
Fault: You have fallen over forwards.
Solution: Same as for falling over backwards.

Symptom: You have woken up to find your bed cold, hard and wet. You cannot see your bedroom walls or ceiling.
Fault: You have spent the night in the gutter.
Solution: Check your watch to see if its opening time - if not treat yourself to a lie in.

Symptom: Everything has gone dim.
Fault: The pub is closing.
Solution: Panic.