Doctor Jokes — worst jokes

Harry answers the telephone, and it's an Emergency Room doctor.

The doctor says, "Your wife was in a serious car accident, and I have bad news and good news. The bad news is she has lost all use of both arms and both legs, and will need help eating and going to the bathroom for the rest of her life."

Harry says, "My God. What's the good news?"

The doctor says, "I'm kidding. She's dead."

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them. "Don't worry," he said, "Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow."

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully, "Problems?" he said.

"Have I ever had problems, doc.!" the man replied. "I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it."

"So what did you do?" said the doctor.

"We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!! But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!"

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says, "I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle."

The second one says, "That big or that green?"

The first one says, "That Sour."

An old woman came into her doctor's office and confessed to an embarrassing problem. "I fart all the time, Doctor Johnson, but they're soundless, and they have no odor. In fact, since I've been here, I've farted no less than twenty times. What can I do?"

"Here's a prescription, Mrs. Harris. Take these pills three times a day for seven days and come back and see me in a week."

Next week an upset Mrs. Harris marched into Dr. Johnson's office. "Doctor, I don't know what was in those pills, but the problem is worse! I'm farting just as much, but now they smell terrible! What do you have to say for yourself?"

"Calm down, Mrs. Harris," said the doctor soothingly. "Now that we've fixed your sinuses, we'll work on your hearing."

The following statements were found on patient's charts during a recent review of medical records. These statements were written by various health care professionals including (we're afraid) a doctor or two at several major hospitals:

• "The lab test indicated abnormal lover function."
• "Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized."
• "The skin was moist and dry."
• "The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."
• "She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce."
• "The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."
• "I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy."
• "The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week."
• "Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles."
• "Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation."
• "She is numb from her toes down."
• "Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot."
• "While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home. The patient was to have a bowel resection. However, he took a job as stockbroker instead."
• "When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."
• "Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress."

A woman consulted a doctor, explaining that for many years she suffered from excessive flatulence, but there was never any sound or smell so she had done nothing about it until now. So the Dr. took down all of her medical history, a process that took quite a while. At the end, the woman says, "You see, Dr Smyth while I've been sitting here talking to you I've broken wind five times, but there's no sound and no smell." At this point, the Dr. scribbled something on a pad, ripped off a sheet and handed it to the woman. "What's this?" she asked, "some pills?" "No", replied Dr Smyth, "that is a prescription for a hearing aid: come in next week, and we'll operate on your nose."

Howard had felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn't. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming.

But every once in a while he'd hear that small inner voice trying to reassure him, "Howard. Don't worry about it. You aren't the first doctor to sleep with one of your patients and you won't be the last."

But invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality, "Howard. You're a veterinarian."

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts, "What the hell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!"

A doctor's advice to young bride regarding the use of the diaphragm: "Use it on every conceivable occasion."

A man takes his 10 year old daughter to the doctor.

He says "Doctor, I want to put her on the pill."

The Doctor says "Why?!? Is she sexually active?"

The guy says "Nah, she just lies there like her mother."