Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Ted and John are setting in the bar and John asked Ted if he bought the train tickets to go see the Steelers game this weekend. Ted says yea and kinda looked a little funny. John said is there anything wrong? Ted said naw, everythings OK. They take a few more sips of beer and Ted ask John if he had ever embarrassed himself by saying something he didn't mean to say. John said sure, it happens to everyone. Ted said there's a name for that isn't there...you know, where you accidently use the wrong words when you are trying to say something. Yea, says John, it's called a Freudian slip. Yea, thats it said Ted, I couldn't think of the word. Why are you asking said John?

"Well, yesterday I went to the train station to get the train tickets for Pittsburg, and the girl selling tickets has this incredible set of jugs. I pulled out the money and laid it on the counter and asked her to give me two pickets to Titsburg and then had to embarrassingly say I mean two tickets to Pittsburg. God, it just embarressed the shit out of me. You ever done anything that stupid?"

"Funny you would ask," said John. "Just this morning my wife and I...gosh, I guess we've been married going on 23 years now..., were having breakfast. I was reading the paper and drinking my coffie. I meant to say, 'dear, would you please pass me the sugar?', but instead I said, 'You fucking bitch, you've ruined my life.'"

Alice was becoming frustrated by her husband's insistence that they make love in the dark. Hoping to free him of his inhibitions, she flipped on her reading lamp one passionate night -- only to find a cucumber in his hand.

"Is THIS," she asked, pointing to the vegetable, "what you've been using on me for the last 5 years?"

"Honey, let me explain..."

"Why, you sneaky bastard!" she screamed. "You impotent son of a -"

"Speaking of sneaky," her husband coolly interjected, "maybe you'd like to explain our three kids."

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night, the farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother."

All of a sudden, the wife smacks her husband. The husband was totally dumfounded and asks, "What was that for?"

Wife said, "Because, you are a bad fuck".

Couple of minutes later, the husband smacks his wife. This time, the wife was confused and asked, "And may I ask what's that about?"

Husband said, "Simple, because you know the difference."

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

Two newlyweds went on their honeymoon and were getting undressed together for the first time. He took off his shoes and socks and his toes were all twisted and discolored.

"What happened to you feet?" his wife asked.

"I had a childhood disease called tolio."

"Don't you mean polio?"

"No, tolio, it only affects the toes."

He then removed his pants and revealed an awful looking pair of knees.

"What happened to your knees?" she asked.

"Well, I also had kneesles."

"Don't you mean measles?"

"No, kneesles, it only affects the knees."

When he removed his shorts his wife gasped and said, "Don't tell me, you also had smallcox!"

We've been married a little over four years, and we just celebrated our "Wooden Anniversary."

Yeah, I asked my wife to blow me, and she wouldn't.

A woman comes home from the doctor and tells her husband the bad news that she has only 18 hours to live. "That's terrible!!!" said her husband, "What would you like to do during your last hours? I'll try to make it as memorable as possible for you."

"Well," she said, "First, I want to take a long romantic walk, then have a quiet dinner at my favorite restaurant and then go to bed with you and make passionate love all night long!"

"Gee, Honey." said her husband, "I don't know about that 'all night long' stuff. After all, I'm gonna have to get up in the morning and you won't"

There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"

A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.

"So what's going on here?" he asks.

The bikie replies "My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit."

The cop says "I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!"

The bikie replies "That's what I'm going to do next!"