Random joke from this category
Here's a sick one...
So at the funeral home, the widow instructs the mortician to cut off her late husband's penis and shove it up his rectum. The mortician objects, but threatening not to pay, he relents. Later, at the coffin closing, the wife bends down to kiss her husband goodbye, and she sees a tear coming from his eye. She says "Hurts doesn't it, you son of a bitch!"
The office playboy had a date with an attractive young woman. The next day someone asked him how things had gone. "She uses too many four-letter words for me," was the reply. "Really?" "Yes," answered the playboy. "All evening long she was saying "don't" and "stop" and "quit that."
A woman and her lover are on the bed in the woman's home, when all of a sudden, they hear the front door open and close.
"Oh, no, it's my husband!"
The man says, "Where's your back door?"
"We don't have a back door" says the woman.
The man then asks, "Well, where do you want a back door?"
Mrs. Grednik, who was a little on the chubby side, was at her weight-watchers meeting.
"My husband insists I come to these meetings because he would rather screw a woman with a trim figure." she lamented to the woman next to her.
"Well," the lady replied, "what's wrong with that?"
"He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."
A woman got a problem with her closet door - it was felling every time a bus was passing by. So she called a repair man. The repairman comes and sees that indeed, the door falls out every time when a bus passes by. "OK, I am gonna see what is going on, just close the door behind me" and he stepps into the closet. At that time the husband comes from work, opens the closet and finds the repairman.
- Husband: What the hell are you doing here!
- Repairman: Well, you are not going to believe it, but I am waiting for a bus!
A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.
Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "You know that fur coat you promised me Irving?"
She answered by saying, "I bought it with the insurance money!"
She then said, "Irving, remember that new car you promised me?"
She answered again saying, "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"
Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Irving remember that BlowJob I promised you? Here it comes..."
What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
→ He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
And why did that upset you?
→ My name is Susan.
On the occasion of their fiftieth wedding anniversary, Billy-Bob decided to forego a big party and treat Linda-Sue to a memorable evening at home.
Quietly filling the bathtub with champagne, he called her into the bathroom and they spent a sensual evening soaking in the tub by candlelight.
When they were finished, Billy-Bob decided he couldn't let all that expensive champagne go to waste, so he carefully poured it back into the empty bottles. However, when he was finished, he found he had nearly a half-bottle too much.
He screamed to his wife, "Linda-Sue, you NASTY BITCH, you DIDN'T?!?"
A bloke wakes up in the middle of the night and rolls over and shoves an aspirin down his wife's throat. All of a sudden she wakes up and yells, "What the fuck are you doing?"
"Just giving you an aspirin for your headache." The bloke answered.
"But I ain't got a headache," she yelled back.
"Good then, Lets fuck!" said the bloke.
A bloke came home and found his missus in bed with three blokes.
"Hello, hello, hello!" he screamed at them.
"Aren't you talking to me?" his missus snapped.
