Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

I think my wife is getting a little nearsighted.

I woke up this morning, she was sucking on the bedpost.

Mike and Keith are playing golf one hot Sunday afternoon. While approaching the sixteenth hole, they notice an old golfer teeing up by himself. The two friends stop and wait for the older golfer to finish his hole. After the old man drives the ball a considerable distance down the fairway, he collapses on the green. Mike and Keith run up the fellow to help. After feeling the old man's pulse, Mike tells Keith to run to the club house and call 911.

Keith leaves and returns about two minutes later after making the call. Upon returning Keith, sees the old man naked and bent over a nearby bench. Meanwhile, Mike is screwing the unconscious man vigorously. Keith in astonishment says:

- Hey, What are you doing? I thought you were going to give him CPR.

Mike replies:

- Well, it started off that way.

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A young female (FRESHMAN) raised her hand and asked:

- If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar in male semen?

- That's correct - responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the girl asked:

- Then why doesn't it taste sweet?

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing, the poor girl's face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class.... and never returned. However, as she was going out the door, the Professor's reply was classic....

Totally straight-faced he answered her question:

- It doesn't taste sweet because the taste-buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat.

A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . . the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?" "No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."

A man walks into a pharmacy, buys a condom, then walks out of the store laughing hysterically. The pharmacist thinks this is weird, but, hey, there's no law preventing weird people from buying condoms. Maybe it's a good thing.

The next day, the man comes back to the store, purchases another condom, and once again he leaves the store laughing wildly. This piques the interest of the pharmacist. What's so funny about buying a rubber, anyway?

So he tells his clerk:

- If this guy ever comes back, I want you to follow him to see where he goes.

Sure enough, the next day the laugher is back. He buys the condom, starts cracking up, then leaves. The pharmacist tells his clerk to go follow the guy.

About an hour later, the clerk comes back to the store.

- Did you follow him? Where did he go? - asks the pharmacist.

The clerk replies:

- Your house.

These two guys are car pooling home from work one day. Traffic is barely crawling along and they are both a bit bored. So the driver is looking around and suddenly he points at two dogs having sex on someone's front lawn.

- Look - he shouts - What are the those dogs doing? are they fighting?

The passenger, being a man of the world, replies:

- They are having sex. Don't tell me that you have never had sex doggie style before?

The driver, a bit embarrassed, admits that he has never had sex doggie style. So the passenger says:

- You have to try it. Its pretty cool. Here's what you do. Tonight when you get home, fix your wife a margarita and then suggest that you want to try this new sexual position.

The driver thinks a bit and then decides he will give it a try. The next morning, the two commuters are back in the car and the passenger asks:

- Well, how did it go?

To which the driver replies:

- It was great. But it took me 6 Margaritas just to get her on the front lawn.

What's the difference between a transvestite sailor and Monica Lewinsky's wardrobe?
→ When you have a transvestite sailor, you have a dress on a seaman.

What's the difference between a regular toad and a horney toad?
→ A regular toad croaks "Ribbit Ribbit" while a horney toad croaks "Rub-it Rub-it"

Why was Raggedy Ann thrown out of the toy store?
→ She was caught sitting on Pinocchio's face and shouting "Lie lie lie!"

Three Irish women were discussing their respective mates over tea.

- I call my man 'Eight,' - said the first woman, - Because he's got eight inches, and we do it eight times a day.

The second woman said in response:

- I call my man 'Ten' because his dong is ten inches long, and we do it ten times every night.

The first woman then asked the third woman:

- What do you call your man?

She answered:

- 'Creme de Menthe.'

- Why? Isn't that a liqueur? - the other two wanted to know.

- Yep, it is, - said the woman, continuing, - yeah, you betcha!