Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

A very well-built young lady was lying on her psychiatrist's couch, telling him how frustrated she was.

- I tried to be an actress and failed - she complained.

- I tried to be a secretary and failed; I tried being a writer and failed; then I tried being a sales clerk and I failed at that, too.

The shrink thought for a moment and said...:

- Everyone needs to live a full, satisfying life. Why don't you try nursing?

The girl thinks about this, then bares one of her large, beautiful breasts, points it at the shrink, and says...:

- Well go ahead, I'll give it a try!

- Kiss me doctor!

- I can't as we doctors have an ethics standard that does not allow us to kiss our patients, in fact, I really shouldn't be fucking you.

A man visits the doctor's because he has a severe stuttering problem.

After a thorough examination, the doctor consults with the patient.

- Doctor: It appears that the reason for your stuttering is that your penis is about six inches too long and it is thus pulling on your vocal cords, and thereby causing you this annoying problem of stuttering.

- Patient: Ddddd octttor . Whhaaat cccan I dddo? (Doctor what can I do?)

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and states that there is a procedure where we can free up the strain on the vocal cords by removing the six inches from the penis and freeing him from this horrible problem.

The patient stuttering badly states that this problem has caused him so much embarrassment as well as loss of employment that anything would be worth it.

The doctor plans for the procedure. The operation is a success and six months later the patient comes in for his check up.

- Patient: Doctor, the operation was a success. I have not stuttered since the operation. I have a great job and my self esteem is fantastic. However, there is one problem, my wife says that she sort of misses the great sex we used to have before the extra six inches were removed. So I was wondering if it is possible to reattach those six inches.

The doctor scratches his forehead, thinks for a minute and says:

- I dddoonnn?t ttthhhinkkkk thatttt wooould bbbbee possssssibbble.

A beautiful young girl is about to undergo a minor operation. She's laid on a trolley bed by a lady in a white dress and brought to the corridor. Before they enter the room she leaves her behind the theatre door to go in and check whether everything is ready.

A young man wearing a white coat approaches, takes the sheet away and starts examining her naked body. He walks away and talks to another man in a white coat. The second man comes over and does the same examinations.

When the third man starts examining her body so closely, she grows impatient and says:

- All these examinations are fine and appreciated, but when are you going to start the operation?

The man in the white coat shrugged his shoulders:

- I have no idea. We're just painting the corridor.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. To start things off, the psychiatrist suggests they start with a Rorschach Test. He holds up the first picture and asks the man what he sees.

- A man and a woman making love in a park - the man replies.

The psychiatrist holds up the second picture and asks the man what he sees.

- A man and a woman making love in a boat.

He holds up the third picture.

- A man and a woman making love at the beach.

This goes on for the rest of the set of pictures; the man says he sees a man and a woman making love in every one of the pictures.

At the end of the test, the psychiatrist looks over his notes and says:

- It looks like you have a preoccupation with sex.

And the man replies:

- Well, you're the one with the dirty pictures.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

- What are you doing here today?

- Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it.

- Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25.

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

- Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?

- [shaking her head with mouth closed] Unh unh.

After a couple of years a couple wanted to have children, but nothing worked.

So they went to a doctor, and got checked over.

The doctor took time to reassure them:

- Don't worry - he said.

- Just take this sample bottle home and do the necessary, and bring it back tomorrow.

So he went home feeling better, and went back the next day with his little bottle. It was empty. The doctor looked at the bottle carefully:

- Problems? - he said.

- Have I ever had problems, doc.! - the man replied.

- I went home and straight upstairs, and worked at it for over half an hour. Both hands. I tell you doc, my hands got too sore to hold it! I had to get the wife upstairs and she had a go. But even she, with all her experience, couldn't do it.

- So what did you do? - said the doctor.

- We had a discussion, and got the mother-in-law involved. I was sure she'd manage it, but it was no go, even when she used her mouth. And doc, she tried with her teeth in, and her teeth out!! But nothing we tried would get the top off that bloody bottle!!!!!

Two gynecologists meet at lunch.

The first one says:

- I had a patient this morning with a clit like a dill pickle.

The second one says:

- That big or that green?

The first one says:

- That Sour.

A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics.

The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it out by putting honey on his penis and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp.

And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object.

Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop and withdraw but continues with vigour.

The husband shouts:

- What the hell's happening?

To which the doctor replies:

- Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!!!

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night. Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.

- I'm 90 years old - he says.

- 90! - replies the woman.

- Don't you realize you've had it?

- Oh, sorry - says the old man.

- how much do I owe you?