Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

What women would do if they had a penis for a day:

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.
11. Get a blow job.
12. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.
13. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.
14. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.
15. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.
16. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.
17. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.
18. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.
19. Repeat number 9......

One day there was a pregnant woman who was about to go into labor with 3 children. Her husband didn't want to be any part of this so he decided to leave her and took the car. So she had to walk to the hospital all by herself. All of a sudden she came to a dark alley and of course she went through it and all of a sudden a man pops out and shoots her in the stomach. When she got to the hospital she was ok and the babies were fine as well.

The first child who was a girl came to the mother and said:

- Mom mom guess what?

- What?

- I pissed out a bullet.

So the mother told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the second born child who was also a girl came to her mother and said:

- Mom mom guess what, I pissed out a bullet.

So the mom told her what happened 16 years ago.

Then the 3rd born child came in who was a boy and said:

- Mom mom guess what?

The mom said:

- Let me guess, you pissed out a bullet.

- No, I was jacking off and I shot the dog!

One day this girl, who is wearing a skirt, goes out to play with her friends. She goes to the park and meets a boy. They talk about climbing trees. The boy says to the girl:

- Go on climb that tree.

The girl climbs up and the boy just stands there and looks up to the girl's pants.

After a while the girl goes home and tells her mum about what happened. Her mum says:

- Oh my stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.

The next day she went out again with her skirt on and met THAT boy again. He told her to climb again and she did. When she got home she tells her mum what happened again and her mum says:

- My stupid girl he just stood there and watched your pants.

The girl replied and said:

- No actually I tricked him, this time I did not wear any pants!

This newly wed couple were on their honey moon and were about to have sex:

- Wife: Before we do this I have something I have to tell u.

- Husband: We're married now, u can tell me anything.

- Wife: I'm flat chested.

- Husband: I don't believe u.. prove it.

So she takes off her shirt.

- Husband: Holy shit I never seen a smaller chest, but I have something I have to tell u too.

- Wife: We're married now u can tell me anything.

- Husband: I'm "weighed like a baby".

- Wife: I don't believe you, prove it.

So he takes off his pants.

- Wife: I thought u sayed u were weighed like a baby?!

- Husband: I am 6lbs 7ounces!

A little girl walks into her parents' bathroom and notices for the first time, her father's nakedness. Immediately, she is curious: he has equipment that she doesn't have. She asks:

- What are those round things hanging there, daddy?

Proudly, he replies:

- Those, sweetheart, are God's Apples of Life. Without them we wouldn't be here.

Puzzled, she seeks her mommy out and tells her what daddy has said. To which mommy asks:

- Did he say anything about the dead branch they're hanging from?

A man came home from work one day to find his wife on the front porch with her bags packed.

- Just where the heck do you think you're going!

- I'm going to Las Vegas. I just found out I can get $400 a night for what I give you for free!

- Wait a minute! - the man said, and then ran inside the house only to come back a few minutes later with his suitcases in hand.

- Where the heck are you going?

- I want to see how you're gonna live on $800 a year!

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighbourhood. Suddenly he realised there was a couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then another couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house, and knocked. A well dressed woman answered the door, and the man asked what kind of a place this was.

- This is a brothel - replied the madam.

- Well, what's all this out on the lawn? - queried the man.

- Oh, we're having a yard sale today.

A guy who was in the Air Force had just spent a year tour unaccompanied to Shemya, Alaska. The first night he got home, he exclaimed to his wife:

- Honey, I want you to know that I haven't wasted all this time alone. Instead, I've mastered the art of mind over matter. Just watch this!

And with that he dropped his trousers and shorts and stood before her in his altogether.

- Now watch - he said.

Next he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And with that, his dick sprang to full erection. Then he said:

- Dick, at EASE!

And his dick deflated again.

- Wow, that was amazing - said his wife.

- Do you mind if I bring our next-door neighbor over to see this? It's really something else!

The guy responded that he didn't mind at all, since he was proud of what he had accomplished. So the wife goes next door and comes back with a delicious looking woman who got this guy's full attention! After a brief pause to take her in, he said:

- Now watch this.

Then he said:

- Dick, ten-HUT!

And the dick sprang to life. Then it was:

- Dick, at EASE!

But nothing happened. So the guy again said:

- Dick, at EASE!

But still nothing happened. So the guy now says:

- For the last time, you son-of-a-bitch, I said AT EASE!!

Still nothing.

Well, the guy was embarassed and ran off to the bathroom. His wife made excuses for him and then joined her husband in the bathroom, where she found him masturbating.

- What in the world are you doing? - she asked.

The guy says:

- I'm givin' this son-of-a-bitch a dishonorable discharge!

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives. The first said:

- I think my husband's like a championship golfer. He's spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.

The second woman said:

- My husband's like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.

The third woman was silent until she was asked:

- Tell us about your husband.

She thought for a moment and said:

- My husband's like an Olympic gold-medal-winning quarter-miler.

- How so?

- He's got his time down to under 40 seconds.

The subway car was packed. It was rush hour, and many people were forced to stand. One particularly cramped woman turned to the man behind her and said:

- Sir, if you don't stop poking me with your thing, I'm going to the cops!

- I don't know what you're talking about miss - that's just my pay check in my pocket.

- Oh really - she spat.

- Then you must have some job, because that's the fifth raise you've had in the last half hour!