Dirty Jokes — worst jokes

Confucius says: Man who plays with titty gets bust in mouth.

A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy faints.

The big dude picks up the small guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small guy:

- What's wrong with you?

The small guy says:

- Excuse me, but what did you say?

The big dude looks down and says:

- 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.

The small guy says:

- Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn around'.

- What the fuck was that? - The Mayor of Hiroshima

- Look at all these fucking Indians - General Custer

- Full speed ahead and fuck the icebergs! - Captain of the Titanic

- That's not a fucking real gun - John Lennon

- The fucking throttle's stuck - Donald Campbell

- Who's going to fucking know? - President Nixon

- Heads are going to fucking roll - Henry VIII

- Watch him, he'll have some fucker's eye out - King Harold

- Scattered showers my fucking ass - Noah

- Where the fuck have you been? - Stanley to Livingston

- Can you smell fucking gas? - Captain of the Hindenburg

- Fuck you Brutus! - Julius Caeser

A FRIEND OF MINE HAS AN 18 YEAR OLD SON NAMED LEROY. HE ATTENDS OAKLAND HIGH SCHOOL WHERE THEY TEACH EBONICS AS A SECOND LANGUAGE. LAST WEEK HE WAS GIVEN AN EASY HOMEWORK ASSIGNMENT. ALL HE HAD TO DO WAS PUT EACH OF THE FOLLOWING WORDS IN A SENTENCE. THIS IS WHAT LEROY DID.

1. RECTUM: I HAD TWO CADILLACS, BUT MY OL'LADY RECTUM BOTH.
2. HOTEL: I GAVE MY GIRLFRIEND DA CRABS AND THE HOTEL EVERYBODY.
3. ODYSSEY: I TOLD MY BRO, YOU ODYSSEY THE JUGS ON THIS HOE.
4. STAIN: MY MOTHER-IN-LAW AXED IF I WAS STAIN FOR DINNER AGAIN.
5. SELDOM: MY COUSIN GAVE ME TWO TICKETS TO THE KNICKS GAME, SO I SELDOM.
6. PENIS: I WENT TO DA DOCTOR AND HE HANDED ME A CUP AND SAID PENIS.
7. CATACOMB: DON KING WAS AT THE FIGHT THE OTHER NIGHT, MAN, SOMEBODY GIVE THAT CATACOMB.
8. FORCLOSE: IF I PAY ALIMONY THIS MONTH, I'LL HAVE NO MONEY FORCLOSE.
9. UNDERMINE: THERE IS A FINE LOOKIN' HOE LIVIN' IN THE APARTMENT UNDERMINE.
10. TRIPOLI: I WAS GONNA BUY MY OLD LADY A BRA BUT I COULDN'T FINE NO TRIPOLI.
11. DISAPPOINTMENT: MY PAROLE OFFICER TOL ME IF I MISS DISAPPOINTMENT THEY GONNA SEND ME BACK TO THE BIG HOUSE.
12. INCOME: I JUST GOT IN BED WIT DEE HOE AND INCOME MY WIFE.
13. HONOR: AT THE RAPE TRIAL, THE JUDGE AXED MY BUDDY, WHO B HONOR FIRST?
14. FORTIFY: I AXED DA HOE HOW MUCH? AND SHE SAY FORTIFY.
15. ISRAEL: ALONSO TRIED TO SELL ME A ROLEX, I SAID MAN, THAT LOOKS FAKE. HE SAID, NO ISRAEL.

NEEDLESS TO SAY, LEROY GOT AN A.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in.

- Follow me - he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious.

- If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there.

After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of.

- Why is it so god damn cold down here? - Pete asks.

- Well you just try bending down for firewood!! - The devil replied.

Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room.
Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active.
Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a cross dresser.
Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism.
Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce.
Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting.
Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: You're arrested.
Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing camos and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes."
Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie.
Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend.
Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre.
Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising.
Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas."
Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right".
Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill.
Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude.
Bad: She weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work.
Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune.
Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video.
Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex.
Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude.
Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.

One day a man decided to get a tattoo on his penis, his wife asked where have u been all day, he said to get a tattoo on his penis. The wife asked why? He said so u can stay home and blow money!!

One day Rastus and Liza Jane were sitting at the bus stop when Rastus ups and asks:

- Liza Jane can I's look up your dress before the bus gets here?

Liza Jane was startled and said:

- No Rastus you cain't!

Well Rastus persisted and persisted till finally Liza Jane said:

- Alright if'n it will shut you up you can.

So Rastus looks up her dress and sees that see has no panties on to which he exclaims:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well the bus shows up and they gets on.

Next day, Rastus and Liza Jane are sitting there again when Rastus ups and asks her:

- Liza Jane, can I look up your dress again?

Well Liza Jane at first refused, but as the day before she then gave in. So Rastus looks up there and seeing no panties he exclaims, again:

- Sho is a wonder!

Well this goes on for a few days when on the last day that Liza Jane would permit Rastus to look up her dress she tells him:

- Rastus you can look up my dress but you have to tell me one thing?

Rastus replies:

- What's that?

- Every time you look up my dress you says, 'Sho is a wonder.' Sho is a wonder what?

To which Rastus replies:

- Sho is a wonder your guts don't fall out!!

He was a junior bank executive and he had swindled one hundred thousand dollars from his bank - all of which he'd lost at the races. The bank examiners were coming the next day, and when he confessed the whole thing to his wife, she packed her bags and left him. Totally despondent, he walked to a nearby bridge and stood at the edge of it about to jump off and end it all.

Suddenly a voice called:

- Young man, don't do that! There is no need to end your life! I'm a witch and I can help you!

- I doubt it - he said sadly.

- I've stolen a hundred thousand dollars from the bank, for which I'll probably be arrested tomorrow, and my wife has left me.

- Young man, witches can do anything - she said.

- I'm going to perform a witch miracle.

She said:

- ALAKAZAM! The hundred thousand dollars has been replaced and there's another hundred thousand in your safe deposit box! ALAKAZAM! Your wife is back home again!

He looked at her in disbelief:

- Is this all true? - he asked.

- Of course - she said.

- But to keep it true you must do one thing.

- Anything! - he said.

- Anything!

- You must take me to a motel and make passionate love to me.

He stared at her. She was an ugly old crone - as ugly as they could be, dressed in rags. Nevertheless, he agreed to her terms. He took her to a motel and made love to her all night. In the morning, as he was getting dressed and combing his hair in front of the mirror, she lay on the bed watching silently. Finally, she asked:

- Sonny, how old are you?

- I'm thirty-two - he said.

- Tell me something, then - she said.

- Aren't you a little too old to believe in witches?

An old guy is sitting on a bus when a punk-rocker gets on. The punkrocker's hair is red, green, yellow and orange. He has feather earrings.

When he sees the old man staring at him, the punk rocker says:

- What's the matter old man? Didn't you ever do anything wild when you were a young guy?

The old guy says in reply:

- Yeah. One time I had sex with a parrot. I thought maybe you were my kid. . .