Business Jokes — worst jokes

What does your profession say about you?

1. MARKETING - You are ambitious yet stupid. You chose a marketing degree to avoid having to study in college, concentrating instead on drinking and socializing which is pretty much what your job responsibilities are now. Least compatible with Sales.
2. SALES - Laziest of all signs, often referred to as "marketing without a degree." You are also self-centered and paranoid. Unless someone calls you and begs you to take their money, you like to avoid contact with customers so you can "concentrate on the big picture." You seek admiration for your golf game throughout your life.
3. TECHNOLOGY - Unable to control anything in your personal life, you are instead content to completely control everything that happens at your workplace. Often even YOU don't understand what you are saying but who the hell can tell. It is written that Geeks shall inherit the Earth.
4. ENGINEERING - One of only two signs that actually studied in school. It is said that ninety percent of all Personal Ads are placed by engineers. You can be happy with yourself; your office is full of all the latest "ergo dynamic" gadgets. However, we all know what is really causing your "carpal tunnel syndrome."
5. ACCOUNTING - The only other sign that studied in school. You are mostly immune from office politics. You are the most feared person in the organization; combined with your extreme organizational traits, the majority of rumors concerning you say that you are completely insane.
6. HUMAN RESOURCES - Ironically, given your access to confidential information, you tend to be the biggest gossip within the organization. Possibly the only other person that does less work than marketing, you are unable to return any calls today because you have to get a haircut, have lunch AND then mail a letter.
7. MANAGEMENT/MIDDLE MANAGEMENT - Catty, cut-throat, yet completely spineless, you are destined to remain at your current job for the rest of your life. Unable to make a single decision you tend to measure your worth by the number of meetings you can schedule for yourself. Best suited to marry other "Middle Managers" as everyone in you social circle is a "Middle Manager."
8. SENIOR MANAGEMENT - (See above - Same sign, different title)
9. CUSTOMER SERVICE - Bright, cheery, positive, you are a fifty-cent cab ride from taking your own life. As children very few of you asked your parents for a little cubicle for your room and a headset so you could pretend to play "Customer Service." Continually passed over for promotions, your best bet is to sleep with your manager.
10. CONSULTANT - Lacking any specific knowledge, you use acronyms to avoid revealing your utter lack of experience. You have convinced yourself that your "skills" are in demand and that you could get a higher paying job with any other organization in a heartbeat. You will spend an eternity contemplating these career opportunities without ever taking direct action.
11. RECRUITER, "HEADHUNTER" - As a "person" that profits from the success of others, you are disdained by most people who actually work for a living. Paid on commission and susceptible to alcoholism, your ulcers and frequent heart attacks correspond directly with fluctuations in the stock market.
12. PARTNER, PRESIDENT, CEO - You are brilliant or lucky. Your inability to figure out complex systems such as the fax machine suggest the latter.
13. GOVERNMENT WORKER - Paid to take days off. Government workers are genius inventors, like the invention of new Holidays. They usually suffer from deep depression or anxiety and usually commit serious crimes while on the job... Thus the term "GO POSTAL"

Here are some of the submissions of actual comments, notices, and statements coming out of different companies:

• As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning entry; Fred Dales at Microsoft Corporation )
• What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)
• How long is this Beta guy going to keep testing our stuff? (Programming intern, Microsoft IIS Development team)
• E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting Mgr., Electric Boat Company)
• This project is so important, we can't let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Mktg. Mgr., UPS)
• Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We've been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I'll let you know when it's time to tell them. (R&D Supervisor, Minnesota Mining & Manufacturing/3M Corp.)
• My boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn't edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)
• Quote from the boss: "Teamwork is a lot of people doing what 'I' say." (Mktg. executive, Citrix Corporation)
• My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, "That would be better for me." (Shipping Executive, FTD Florists)
• We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees. (AT&T Lone Lines Division)
• We recently received a memo from senior management saying, "This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above." (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)
• One day my boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said, "If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!" (New Business Mgr., Hallmark Cards)
• As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company's training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the "pedagogical approach" used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR Director's office, and was told that the executive VP wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn't stand for "perverts" (pedophiles?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired, with the word "pedagogical" circled in red. The HR Manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary and made a copy of the definition to send to my boss, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out, directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation letter by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center where he was to advise new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones's sales pitch. Jones explained the basics of the GI Insurance to the new recruits, and then said: "If you have GI Insurance and go into battle and are killed, the government has to pay $200,000 to your beneficiaries. If you don't have GI insurance, and you go into battle and get killed, the government has to pay only a maximum of $6000."

"Now," he concluded, "which bunch do you think they are going to send into battle first?"

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn't been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, "We can't ship your new order until you pay for the last one." The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, "Please cancel the order. We can't wait that long."

New Corporate Buzz Words for the 90's

• Blamestorming: Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
• Body Nazis: Hard-core exercise and weight-lifting fanatics who look down on anyone who doesn't work out obsessively.
• Seagull Manager: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, and then leaves.
• Chainsaw Consultant: An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
• Cube Farm: An office filled with cubicles.
• Idea Hamsters: People who always seem to have their idea generators running.
• Mouse Potato: The online, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
• Prairie Dogging: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
• SITCOMs: What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
• Squirt the Bird: To transmit a signal to a satellite.
• Starter Marriage: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property, and no regrets.
• Stress Puppy: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
• Swiped Out: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because the magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
• Tourists: People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in class; the rest were just tourists."
• Treeware: Hacker slang for documentation or other printed material.
• Xerox Subsidy: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
• Going Postal: Euphemism for being totally stressed out, for losing it. Makes reference to the unfortunate track record of postal employees who have snapped and gone on shooting rampages.
• Alpha Geek: The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the Alpha Geek around here."
• Assmosis: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
• Chips and Salsa: Chips = hardware, Salsa = software. "Well, first we gotta figure out if the problem is in your chips or your salsa."
• Flight Risk: Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
• GOOD job: A "Get-Out-Of-Debt" job. A well-paying job people take in order to pay off their debts, one that they will quit as soon as they are solvent again.
• Irritainment: Entertainment and media spectacles that are annoying, but you find yourself unable to stop watching them. The O.J. trials were a prime example.
• Percussive Maintenance: The fine art of attacking an electronic device to get it to work again.
• Uninstalled: Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a Vice President at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled Vice President. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
• Vulcan Nerve Pinch: The taxing hand positions required to reach all the appropriate keys for commands. For instance, the warm re-boot for a Mac II computer involves simultaneously pressing the Control Key, the Command key, the Return key and the Power On key.

Baxter Conners
Vice President
Company 203
203 Wall St.
New York, NY 10015

Dear Mr. Conners,

Thank you for your letter of February 17th. After careful consideration I regret to inform you that I am unable to accept your refusal to offer me employment with your bank.

This year I have been particularly fortunate in receiving an unusually large number of rejection letters. With such a varied and promising field of candidates it is impossible for me to accept all refusals.

Despite Company 203's outstanding qualifications and previous experience in rejecting applicants, I find that your rejection does not meet my needs at this time. Therefore I will initiate employment with your firm immediately following graduation. I look forward to seeing you then.

Sincerely,
XXXXXXXX

What to say to a telemarketer!

One of the things that has always bugged me (and I'm sure it has most of you, too) is to sit down to dinner only to be interrupted by a phone call from a telemarketer. I decided, on one such occasion, to try to be as irritating to them as they were to me. The call was from AT&T, and it went something like this:

- Me: Hello

- AT&T: Hello, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes. This is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: YES! This is AT&T. May I speak to Mr. Salem please?

- Me: May I ask who is calling?

- AT&T: This is AT&T.

- Me: OK, hold on.

At this point, I put the phone down for a solid 5 minutes thinking that, surely, this person would have hung up the phone. I ate my salad. Much to my surprise, when I picked up the receiver, she was still waiting.

- Me: Hello?

- AT&T: Is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: May I ask who is calling please?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: Is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, this is AT&T....

- Me: This is AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, is this Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yes, is this AT&T?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: The phone company?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I thought you said this was AT&T.

- AT&T: Yes, sir, we are a phone company.

- Me: I already have a phone.

- AT&T: We aren't selling phones today, Mr. Salem.

- Me: Well, whatever it is, I'm really not interested, but thanks for calling.

When you are not interested in something, I don't think you can express yourself any plainer than by saying "I'm really not interested", but this lady was persistent.

- AT&T: Mr. Salem, we would like to offer you 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year.

Now, I am sure she meant she was offering a "rate" of 10 cents a minute, but she at no time used the word "rate". I could clearly see that it was time to whip out the trusty old calculator and do a little ciphering.

- Me: Now, that's 10 cents a minute 24 hours a day?

- AT&T: (getting a little excited at this point by my interest) Yes, sir, that's right! 24 hours a day!

- Me: 7 days a week?

- AT&T: That's right.

- Me: 365 days a year?

- AT&T: Yes, sir.

- Me: I am definitely interested in that! Wow!! That's amazing!!

- AT&T: We think so!

- Me: That's quite a sum of money!

- AT&T: Yes, sir, it's amazing how it adds up.

- Me: OK, so will you send me checks weekly, monthly or just one big one at the end of the year for the full $52,560? If you send an annual heck, can I get a cash advance?

- AT&T: Excuse me?

- Me: You know, the 10 cents a minute.

- AT&T: What are you talking about?

- Me: You said you'd give me 10 cents a minute, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. That comes to $144 per day, $1,008 per week and $52,560 per year. I'm just interested in knowing how you will be making payment.

- AT&T: Oh no, sir, I didn't mean we'd be paying you. You pay us 10 cents a minute.

- Me: Wait a minute here! Didn't you say you'd give me 10 cents a minute? Are you sure this is AT&T?

- AT&T: Well, yes, this is AT&T, sir, but....

- Me: But nothing! How do you figure that by saying that you'll give me 10 cents a minute that I'll give you 10 cents a minute? Is this some kind of suliminal telemarketing scheme? I've read about things like this in the Enquirer, you know. Don't use your alien brainwashing techniques on me.

- AT&T: No, sir, we are offering 10 cents a minute for....

- Me: THERE YOU GO AGAIN! Can I speak to a supervisor please?!?

- AT&T: Sir, I don't think that is necessary.

- Me: Sure! You say that now! What happens later?

- AT&T: What?

- Me: I insist on speaking to a supervisor!

- AT&T: Yes, Mr. Salem. Please hold.

So, now AT&T has me on hold, and my supper is getting cold. I begin to eat while I'm waiting for a supervisor. After a wait of a few minutes and while I have a mouth full of food.......

- Supervisor: Mr. Salem?

- Me: Yeth?

- Supervisor: I understand you are not quite understanding our 10 cents a minute program.

- Me: Id thish Ath Teeth & Teeth? (Is this AT&T)

- Supervisor: Yes, sir, it sure is.

I had to swallow before I choked on my food. It was all I could do to suppress my laughter, and I had to be careful not to produce a snort.

- Me: No, actually I was just waiting for someone to get back to me so that I could sign up for the plan.

- Supervisor: OK, no problem, I'll transfer you back to the person who was helping you.

- Me: Thank you.

I was on hold once again and managed a few more mouthfuls. I needed to end this conversation. Suddenly, there was an aggravated but polite voice at the other end of the phone.

- AT&T: Hello, Mr. Salem. I understand that you are interested in signing up for our plan?

- Me: Do you have that friends and family thing because you can never have enough friends and I'm an only child and I'd really like to have a little brother.........

- AT&T: (click)

Note From Me: When I get a call from a telemarketer I prefer to give them options. I simply tell them Steve is not here right now but would they prefer to speak to Slob Boy, Gutter Boy, BrainDead Man ..... Click............
Or My Other Favorite... Are you single? Click............

TO: ALL PERSONNEL
FROM: ACCOUNTING

It has come to our attention recently that many of you have been turning in timesheets that specify large amounts of "Miscellaneous Unproductive Time" (Code 5309). However, we need to know exactly what you are doing during your unproductive time. Attached below is a sheet specifying a tentative extended job code list based on our observations of employee activities. The list will allow you to specify with a fair amount of precision what you are doing during your unproductive time. Please begin using this job-code list immediately and let us know about any difficulties you encounter.

Thank you,
Accounting

Attached: Extended Job-Code List

Code and Explanation

• 5316 Useless Meeting
• 5317 Obstructing Communications at Meeting
• 5318 Trying to Sound Knowledgeable While in Meeting
• 5319 Waiting for Break
• 5320 Waiting for Lunch
• 5321 Waiting for End of Day
• 5322 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker
• 5323 Vicious Verbal Attacks Directed at Coworker While Coworker is Not Present
• 5393 Covering for Incompetence of Coworker Friend
• 5400 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Not Interested in Learning
• 5401 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who is Stupid
• 5402 Trying to Explain Concept to Coworker Who Hates You
• 5481 Buying Snack
• 5482 Eating Snack
• 5500 Filling Out Timesheet
• 5501 Inventing Timesheet Entries
• 5502 Waiting for Something to Happen
• 5503 Scratching Yourself
• 5504 Sleeping
• 5510 Feeling Bored
• 5511 Feeling Horny
• 5600 Complaining About Lousy Job
• 5601 Complaining About Low Pay
• 5602 Complaining About Long Hours
• 5603 Complaining About Coworker (See Codes #5322 & #5323)
• 5604 Complaining About Boss
• 5605 Complaining About Personal Problems
• 5640 Miscellaneous Unproductive Complaining
• 5701 Not Actually Present At Job
• 5702 Suffering From Eight-Hour Flu
• 6102 Ordering Out
• 6103 Waiting for Food Delivery to Arrive
• 6104 Taking It Easy While Digesting Food
• 6200 Using Company Resources for Personal Profit
• 6201 Stealing Company Goods
• 6202 Making Excuses After Accidentally Destroying Company Goods
• 6203 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls
• 6204 Using Company Phone to Make Long-Distance Personal Calls to Sell Stolen Company Goods
• 6205 Hiding from Boss
• 6206 Gossip
• 6207 Planning a Social Event (e.g. vacation, wedding, etc.)
• 6210 Feeling Sorry For Yourself
• 6211 Updating Resume
• 6212 Faxing Resume to Another Employer/Headhunter
• 6213 Out of Office on Interview
• 6221 Pretending to Work While Boss Is Watching
• 6222 Pretending to Enjoy Your Job
• 6223 Pretending You Like Coworker
• 6224 Pretending You Like Important People When in Reality They are Jerks
• 6238 Miscellaneous Unproductive Fantasizing
• 6350 Playing Pranks on the New Guy/Girl
• 6601 Running your own Business on Company Time (See Code #6603)
• 6602 Complaining
• 6603 Writing a Book on Company Time
• 6611 Staring Into Space
• 6612 Staring At Computer Screen
• 6615 Transcendental Meditation
• 7281 Extended Visit to the Bathroom (at least 10 minutes)
• 7400 Talking With Divorce Lawyer on Phone
• 7401 Talking With Plumber on Phone
• 7402 Talking With Dentist on Phone
• 7403 Talking With Doctor on Phone
• 7404 Talking With Masseuse on Phone
• 7405 Talking With House Painter on Phone
• 7406 Talking With Personal Therapist on Phone
• 7419 Talking With Miscellaneous Paid Professional on Phone
• 7425 Talking With Mistress/Boy-Toy on Phone
• 7931 Asking Coworker to Aid You in an Illicit Activity
• 8000 Recreational Drug Use
• 8001 Non-recreational Drug Use
• 8002 Liquid Lunch
• 8100 Reading e-mail

These are from actual resumes:

• "Personal: I'm married with 9 children. I don't require prescription drugs."
• "I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don't let them know of my immediate availability."
• "Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I'm a class act and do not come cheap."
• "I intentionally omitted my salary history. I've made money and lost money. I've been rich and I've been poor. I prefer being rich."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Number of dependents: 40."
• "Marital Status: Often. Children: Various."

RESUME BLOOPERS

• "Here are my qualifications for you to overlook."

REASONS FOR LEAVING THE LAST JOB

• "Responsibility makes me nervous."
• "They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions."

REASONS FOR LEAVING MY LAST JOB

• "Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers."

JOB RESPONSIBILITIES

• "While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility."
• "I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award."

SPECIAL REQUESTS & JOB OBJECTIVES

• "Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job."
• "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
• "I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant."

PHYSICAL DISABILITIES

• "Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep."

PERSONAL INTERESTS

• "Donating blood. 14 gallons so far."

SMALL TYPOS THAT CAN CHANGE THE MEANING

• "Education: College, August 1880-May 1984."
• "Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse."
• "Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget."
• "I'm a rabid typist."
• "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation."

What is the difference between men and government bonds?
→ Bonds mature!