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Two Babies

A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm while waiting for a train. Along came this woman seeing the 2 cute babies started asking the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"

The man giving the lady an angry look replied "I don't know".

The lady asked again "Which is a boy and which is a girl?". The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know".

The woman then started to scold the man "What kind of a father are you?".

The man replied "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."

The Parrot Who Wouldn't Talk

A person wanted a parrot who talked. Going to the pet store, this lover of talking parrots asked if there was a bird who was already speaking.

"Yes," the pet store owner said, "this bird has a vocabulary of about 1000 words plus 50 phrases guaranteed to fit most occasions."

The deal was made and the parrot was brought home complete with a cage. The next day the purchaser went back and said the parrot had yet to say a word. "That's to be expected," said the pet shop owner. "Try getting the bird a few of the toys that were here for the bird to use in the shop. It just needs to feel at home with you." Toys were purchased and a day went by. The parrot's owner returned and said there still had been no talking. "I see," said the pet shop owner. "Perhaps if you got a bird bath, the parrot would start to talk while using it." A bird bath was purchased and yet another day went by. The next day the owner was back with the same complaint. This time the pet shop owner mentioned that sometimes the bird had been praised in its training by being allowed to ring a little bell.

The parrot's owner bought the bell reluctantly. The following day the parrot's owner was there waiting as the store opened. "Still no luck?" asked the store owner.

"No. Nothing said yet," answered the bird's owner. "Well, I bet the bird's just lonesome for some of the birds here at the shop." "What? You want me to buy another bird!?!" yelped the unhappy owner of the parrot.

"No, no, calm down," reassured the store owner. "All you have to do is get a mirror and the bird will think it has a companion."

At last the sale of a mirror was agreed upon. The pet store owner the next day opened the store and found the troublesome customer had returned ... this time with the parrot, only it was dead! "What happened?" asked the store owner, "Didn't the bird ever talk?" "Yes, right before it died it said: What's the matter? Don't they sell birdseed at the pet store anymore?"

Honda, Honda

A businessman was in Japan to make a presentation to the Toyota motor people. Needless to say, this was an especially important deal, and it was imperative that he make the best possible impression.

On the morning of the presentation he awoke to find himself passing gas, in large volumes, with the unpleasant characteristic of sounding like "HONDA." The man was besides himself. Every few minutes "HONDA", "HONDA"....

Unable to stop this aberrant behavior, and in desperate need to terminate these odious and rather embarrassing emissions, he sought a physicians aid. After a full examination, the doctor told him that there was nothing inherently wrong with him and that he would just have to wait it out.

Being unwilling to accept this state of affairs he visited a second and then a third doctor all of whom told him the same thing. Finally one medic suggested that he visit a dentist. Well, although he could not see how a dentist was going to be of any help, he visited one anyway.

Lo and behold, the dentist said, "Ah, there's the problem!"

"What is it?" the man asked.

"Why you have an abscess," said the dentist.

"An abscess? How could that be causing my problem?" asked the man.

"That's easy," replied the dentist. "Why everyone knows... Abscess makes the fart go Honda!" (peeeeeeeeyeeeeeeeeew...hahahahahah)

New Treasury Bonds

The U.S. Treasury has just announced that it will sell three new types of bonds:

  1. The Al Gore bond, which has no interest.
  2. The Monica Lewinsky bond, which has no maturity. And...
  3. The Bill Clinton Bond, which has no principal.

GM vs Microsoft

At a recent computer expo (COMDEX), Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated that:

"If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1,000 miles to the gallon."

In response to Bill's comments, General Motors issued a news release stating:

"If GM had developed technology like Microsoft we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:

  • For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day
  • Every time you painted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car
  • Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on
  • Occasionally executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you'd have to reinstall the engine
  • Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought "Car95" or "CarNT". But then you would have to buy more seats
  • MacIntosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only work on 5 per cent of the roads
  • The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single "general car default" warning light
  • New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt
  • The airbag system would say "Are you sure?" before going off
  • Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key and grabbed hold of the radio antenna
  • GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary) even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more (Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department)
  • Every time GM introduced a new model, car buyers would have to learn to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car
  • You'd press the start button to shut off the engine"

Forever Patient

A Soviet emigre doctor gets a call from the Medicaid office. "You've been billing us for weekly house calls to Mr. Ivanov for the last six months. Haven't you noticed that Mr. Ivanov has passed away?"

"Sure I noticed! He was my favorite patient, I visit him at cemetery."