At Work — worst jokes

How do you make a blonde laugh on Monday mornings?
→ Tell them a joke on Friday night!

What job function does a blonde have in an M&M factory?
→ Proof reading.

What's the difference between a blonde and your job?
→ Your job still sucks after 6 months.

When I take a long time
I am slow
When my boss takes a long time
He is thorough

When I don't do it
I am lazy
When my boss doesn't do it
He is too busy

When I do something without being told
I am trying to be smart
When my boss does the same
That is initiative

When I please my boss
I'm ass-kissing
When my boss pleases his boss
He's co-operating

When I do good
My boss never remembers
When I do wrong
He never forgets

Top 20 Sayings We'd Like To See On Those Office Inspirational Posters:

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos...then you probably haven't completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don't succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK...means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time so you don't have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only thirty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment.

1. Leave the copy machine set to 99 copies, reduce 200%, extra dark, 17-inch paper.
2. In the memo field of all your checks write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
5. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
6. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophecy."
7. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
8. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
9. Ask people what gender they are.
10. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

You know you're out of college when...

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.
2. Your potted plants stay alive.
3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.
4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.
6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.
7. You haven't seen a soap opera in over a year.
8. 8:00 am is not early.
9. You have to file your own taxes.
10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.
11. You're not carded anymore.
12. You carry an umbrella.
13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for "jackass".
14. "Extended childhood" only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be.
15. "Twenty-something" means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.
16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.
17. You start watching the weather channel.
18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps aren't staples in your wardrobe.
19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.
20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.
21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.
22. You go to parties that police don't raid.
23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you...and they're no longer "adults" - they are your peers.
24. You don't know what time Wendy's closes anymore.
25. Your car insurance goes down.
26. You refer to college students as kids.
27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.
28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.
29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.
30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.
31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, "When I was in college..."

- Boss: Johnson, we giving you a promotion but you have to move to Montreal.

- Johnson: Montreal! Nothing comes from there except hookers and hockey players!

- Boss: Listen pal, my wife comes from there!

- Johnson: Without missing a beat replies, "No kidding! What position does she play?"

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A conclusion is the place where you get tired of thinking.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

For every action, there is equal and opposite criticism.

He who hesitates is usually right.

Never do card tricks with the group you play poker with.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Success is always done in private, and failure in full view.

The colder the X-ray table, the more body is required on it.

The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.

The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.

To steal from one person is plagiarism, to steal from many is research.

To succeed in politics, it is often necessary to rise above your principles.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

The problem with the gene pool is that there are no life-savers.

Monday is the worst way to spend 1/7th of your life.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

If you must pick between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.

Change is inevidable - except from vending machines.

Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty thingss.

A fool and his money will soon be partying.

Money can't buy love - but it can rent a very close imitation.

Plan to be spontanious tomorrow.

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of payments.

Drugs may lead nowhere, but at least it's a scenic route.

'I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize...'

Everyone repeat after me..."we are all individuals..."

Death to all fanatics!!

Don't be sexist - chicks hate that!

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye opener.

Bills travel throught the mail at twice the speed of checks...

Hard work pays off later - laziness pays off now.

Eagles may soar, but weasles don't get sucked in jet engines

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

If at first you don't succeed, than skydiving definately is not for you.

After a two year long study, the National Science Foundation announced the following results on corporate America's recreation preferences.

1. The sport of choice for unemployed or incarcerated people is: Basketball.
2. The sport of choice for maintenance level employees is: Bowling.
3. The sport of choice for front line workers is: Football.
4. The sport of choice for supervisors is: Baseball.
5. The sport of choice for middle management is: Tennis.
6. The sport of choice for corporate officers is: Golf.

Conclusion: The higher you are in the corporate structure, the smaller your balls become!