Random joke from this category
The boss of a large company says to his protege: "I'm transferring you to the northern office."
The protege says: "But that place is full of whores and football players!"
The boss replies: "My wife used to live there!"
The protege quickly responds: "Really?? What position does she play?"
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.
Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.
So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."
And Sarah says, "Can you just jack off? I have a headache!"
Young Boudreaux applied for an engineering job way, way up north in Shreveport. A local man applied for the same job and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men missed only one question. The manager went up to Boudreaux and said "Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the local man the job." Boudreaux said "Why you gonna be doin dat sir, we both got 9 questions right?"
The manager said, "We made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the one you missed."
Boudreaux asked "An jus how da heck would one incorrect answer be mo betta dan da otter?"
The manager replied, "Simple, the local man put down on question #5, 'I don't know,' you put down, 'neither do I.'"
New Words for the 2000s
Blamestorming - Sitting around in a group discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
Chainsaw Consultant - An outside expert brought in to reduce the employee headcount, leaving the top brass with clean hands.
Percussive Maintenance - The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
Uninstalled - Euphemism for being fired. Heard on the voicemail of a vice president at a downsizing computer firm: "You have reached the number of an uninstalled vice president. Please dial our main number and ask the operator for assistance." See also Decruitment.
SITCOMs - What yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids. Stands for Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage.
Starter Marriage - A short-lived first marriage that ends in a divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
Tourists - People who take training classes just to get a vacation from their jobs. "We had three serious students in the class; the rest were just tourists."
Alpha Geek - The most knowledgeable, technically proficient person in an office or work group. "Ask Larry, he's the alpha geek around here."
Dancing Baloney - Little animated GIFs and other Web F/X that are useless and serve simply to impress clients. "This page is kinda dull. Maybe a little dancing baloney will help."
Flight Risk - Used to describe employees who are suspected of planning to leave a company or department soon.
Generica - Features of the American landscape that are exactly the same no matter where one is. "We were so lost in generica, I actually forgot what city we were in."
Nyetscape - Nickname for AOL's less-than-full-featured Web browser.
PEBCAK - Tech support shorthand for "Problem Exists Between Chair and Keyboard." (Techies are a frustrated, often arrogant lot. They've submitted numerous acronyms and terms that poke fun at the clueless users who call them up with frighteningly stupid questions. Another variation on the above is ID10T: "This guy has an ID-Ten-T on his system.")
Square-headed Girlfriend - Another word for a computer. The victim of a square-headed girlfriend is a "computer widow."
Boss asks secretary "Do you know what the difference is between a Caesar Salad and a blowjob?"
"No", says the secretary.
"Great, Let's do lunch." the boss says.
What's the difference between your wife and your job?
→ After 5 years your job will still suck.
ALWAYS GIVE 100% AT WORK:
After the annual office Christmas party blowout, John woke up with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed, and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening. After a trip to the bathroom, he was able to make his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what went on last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she assured him, voice dripping with scorn.
"You made a complete ass of yourself, succeeded in antagonizing the entire board of directors, and insulted the President of the company to his face."
"He's an asshole - piss on him!"
"You did," Louise informed him. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday!"
Why is Christmas just like a day at the office?
→ You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
