Animal Jokes — worst jokes

What do you do when an elephant comes through the window?
→ Swim for it...

How do you smuggle an elephant across the border?
→ Put a slice of bread on each side, and call him "lunch".

Why do elephants live in herds?
→ To get a wholesale reduction on the shoes with yellow soles.

How do you get an elephant into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Insert elephant.
3. Close door.

How do you get a giraffe into the fridge?

1. Open door.
2. Remove elephant.
3. Insert giraffe.
4. Close door.

How do you know there are two elephants in your fridge?
→ The door won't close.

How do you know there are three elephants in your fridge?
→ There'll be one waiting outside in the Mini.

How can you tell that an elephant has been in your fridge?
→ By the footprints in the butter.

What game do four elephants in a mini play?
→ Squash

What is the difference between an elephant and a plum?
→ An elephant is grey.

What does Jane say when she sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
→ "Look! A herd of plums in the distance" (Jane is colorblind)

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants in the distance?
→ "Look, a herd of elephants in the distance"

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of elephants with sunglasses in the distance?
→ Nothing. He doesn't recognize them.

What does Tarzan say when he sees a herd of giraffes in the distance?
→ "Haha! You fooled me once with those disguises, but not this time!"

A veterinarian surgeon had had a hell of a day, but when he got home from tending to all the sick animals his wife was waiting with a long cool drink and a romantic candle-lit dinner, after which they had a few more drinks and went happily to bed.

At about 2:00 in the morning, the phone rang. "Is this the vet?" asked an elderly lady's voice.

"Yes, it is", replied the vet, "Is this an emergency?"

"Well, sort of", said the elderly lady, "there's a whole bunch of cats on the roof outside making a terrible noise mating and I can't get to sleep. What can I do about it?" There was a sharp intake of breath from the vet, who then patiently replied "Open the window and tell them they're wanted on the phone"

"Really?" said the elderly lady, "Will that will that stop them?"

"Should do," said the vet, "IT STOPPED ME!"

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. She's wearing a cute, loose-fitting, pink spring dress, sleeveless w/straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the gorilla goes ape. He jumps up on the bars, holding on w/one hand (and 2 feet), grunting and pounding his chest w/the free hand. He is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the sheer dress.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and flirt w/the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall; she does, and the gorilla is so excited, he's just about to tear the bars down.

The husband then suggests that the wife lift her dress up above the thighs... this drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the door to the cage, slings her in w/the gorilla and says, "Now, tell him you have a headache."

There is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your home.