Random joke from this category
- Customer: Do you have any cockroaches?
- Clerk: Yes we sell them to the fisherman.
- Customer: I would like 20,000 of them.
- Clerk: What would you want with 20,000 cockroaches?
- Customer: I'm moving tomorrow and my lease says I must leave my apartment in the condition in which I found it.
A couple took their young son to the circus and when the elephants appeared, the boy seemed very intrigued by them.
- Mommy, what's that long thing on the elephant? - he asked.
- That's the elephant's trunk, dear - she replied.
- No, not that. What's that long thing that's hanging between the elephant's legs? - asked the boy.
Embarrassed, the mother replied:
- Oh, it's nothing, son.
She then left to get some hot dogs and sodas.
While she was gone, the young boy turned to his father and asked:
- Daddy, what's that long thing hanging between the elephant's legs?
- That's the elephant's penis, son - explained the father.
- Well, why did mommy say it was nothing when I asked her? - the boy asked.
Taking a deep breath, the father proudly replied:
- I've spoiled that woman, son!
Two men went bear hunting. While one stayed in the cabin, the other went out looking for a bear. He soon found a huge bear, shot at it but only wounded it. The enraged bear charged toward him, he dropped his rifle and started running for the cabin as fast as he could. He ran pretty fast but the bear was just a little faster and gained on him with every step. Just as he reached the open cabin door, he tripped and fell flat. Too close behind to stop, the bear tripped over him and went rolling into the cabin. The man jumped up, closed the cabin door and yelled to his friend inside, "You skin this one while I go and get another!"
Two campers were hiking in the forest when all of a sudden a bear jumps out of a bush and starts chasing them. Both campers start running for their lives, when one of them stops and starts to put on his running shoes.
His partner says:
- What are you doing? You can't outrun a bear!
His friend replies:
- I don't have to outrun the bear, I only have to outrun you!
Birdie, birdie in the sky
Dropped some white stuff in my eye,
I'm a big girl I won't cry,
I'm just glad that cows don't fly.
There once was this blonde riding a horse. After a while it began to speed up. She was hanging on by the tail and cut her forehead open. After a long struggle, she was able to climb back onto the horse. She then fell off the side and got her foot caught. The horse was now dragging her. She finally got back on the horse with a broken ankle, bruises all over, and she was bleeding from three different spots. Finally, the horse came to a complete stop. Thank goodness that the manager of the K-mart came out and shut the machine off.
A mother and baby camel are talking one day when the baby camel asks:
- Mom why have I got these huge three toed feet?
The mother replies:
- Well son, when we trek across the desert your toes will help you to stay on top of the soft sand.
- OK - said the son.
A few minutes later the son asks:
- Mom, why have I got these great long eyelashes?
- They are there to keep the sand out of your eyes on the trips through the desert.
- Thanks Mom - replies the son.
After a short while, the son returns and asks:
- Mom, why have I got these great big humps on my back??
The mother, now a little impatient with the boy replies:
- They are there to help us store water for our long treks across the desert, so we can go without drinking for long periods.
- That's great mom, so we have huge feet to stop us sinking, and long eyelashes to keep the sand from our eyes and these humps to store water. But Mom
- Yes son?
- Why the heck are we in the San Diego Zoo?
An old farmer went to town to see a movie. The ticket girl said:
- Sir, what is that on your shoulder?
The old farmer said:
- That is my pet rooster, Chuckie. Wherever I go, Chuckie goes.
- I'm sorry, Sir - said the ticket girl:
- We can't allow animals in the theater. Not even a pet chicken.
The old farmer went around the corner and stuffed the chicken down his pants. He returned to the booth, bought a ticket and entered the theater. He sat down next to two old emergency room nurses named Mildred and Marge. The movie started and the chicken began to squirm. The old farmer un-zipped his pants so Chuckie could stick his head out and watch the movie.
- Marge - whispered Mildred.
- What? - said Marge.
- I think the guy next to me is a pervert.
- What makes you think so? - asked Marge.
- He unzipped his pants and he has his thing out - whispered Mildred.
- Well, don't worry about it - said Marge:
- At our age it isn't anything we haven't seen before.
- Yes - said Mildred:
- But this one's eating my popcorn!
A butcher is working, and really busy. He notices a dog in his shop and shoos him away. Later, he notices the dog is back again. He walks over to the dog, and notices the dog has a note in his mouth. The butcher takes the note, and it reads:
- Can I have 12 sausages and a leg of lamb, please.
The butcher looks, and lo and behold, in the dog's mouth, there is a ten dollar bill. So the butcher takes the money, puts the sausages and lamb in a bag, and places it in the dog's mouth.
The butcher is very impressed, and since it's closing time, he decides to close up shop and follow the dog. So, off he goes. The dog is walking down the street and comes to a crossing. The dog puts down the bag, jumps up and presses the crossing button. Then he waits patiently, bag in mouth, for the lights to change. They do, and he walks across the road, with the butcher following. The dog then comes to a bus stop, and starts looking at the timetable. The butcher is in awe at this stage. The dog checks out the times, and sits on one of the seats to wait for the bus.
Along comes a bus. The dog walks to the front of the bus, looks at the number, and goes back to his seat. Another bus comes. Again the dog goes and looks at the number, notices it's the right bus, and climbs on. The butcher, by now open-mouthed, follows him onto the bus. The bus travels thru town and out to the suburbs. Eventually the dog gets up, moves to the front of the bus, and standing on his hind legs, pushes the button to stop the bus. The dog gets off, groceries still in his mouth, and the butcher still following.
They walk down the road, and the dog approaches a house. He walks up the path, and drops the groceries on the step. Then he walks back down the path, takes a big run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door. He goes back down the path, takes another run, and throws himself -whap!- against the door again! There's no answer at the door, so the dog goes back down the path, jumps up on a narrow wall, and walks along the perimeter of the garden. He gets to a window, and bangs his head against it several times. He walks back, jumps off the wall, and waits at the door.
The butcher watches as a big guy opens the door, and starts laying into the dog, really yelling at him. The butcher runs up and stops the guy:
- What the heck are you doing? This dog is a genius. He could be on TV, for God's sake!
To which the guy responds:
- Clever, my foot! This is the second time this week he's forgotten his key!
A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joe's first time ever hunting, so he was following Bob's lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened.
Joe said:
- There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.
- So then what did make you scream - Bob asked, exasperated.
- Well - Joe continued:
- two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, 'Should we take them home or eat 'em now?'
