Animal Jokes — worst jokes

One day, a blonde was left alone in a lab with a beetle. She examined it and decided to do an experiment. She pulled off one of its legs, then asked it to run. The beetle obeyed her command. Then, she pulled off a second leg and asked it to run. It did, but with a lot of difficulty. Finally, she pulled the remaining legs off and asked it to run. It couldn't.

- I have made a new discovery! - the blonde cried.

- When you pull all of a beetle's legs off, it becomes deaf!!

Did you hear about the blonde coyote? She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking. After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper was driving home, when he spotted the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he saw a huge 9-foot alligator swimming quickly toward her. She took aim, killed the creature, and with a great deal of effort hauled it on to the swamp bank. Lying nearby were several more of the dead creatures. The shopkeeper watched in amazement.

Just then the blonde flipped the alligator on its back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- Damn it, this one isn't wearing any shoes either!

Two blondes suddenly got into bird hunting and were eager to try it out for themselves. They had read that a birddog is a great and useful accessory in bird hunting, so they decided to go to the pet shop and buy one. They asked for a well-trained birddog, and got one.

The two blondes immediately went to the woods to try it out. The dog didn't work. No matter how hard they tried, it just didn't follow their commands. They became really frustrated and one of the blondes said to her companion:

- Okay, we'll give him one more try. We'll throw him in the air one more time and if he doesn't fly, we're taking him back to the store!

This lady approaches a priest and tells him:

- Father, I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing: 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'

- That's terrible! - the priest exclaimed.

- but I have a solution to your problem. You can put them with my two male talking parrots. I taught them to read the bible and pray the rosary.

The lady brings over her parrots and puts them in the priest's cage.

- Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun? - they say.

One male parrot looks over at the other and exclaims:

- Put the beads away. Our prayers have been answered!

A lady is walking down the street to work and she sees a parrot in a pet store. The parrot says to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, the lady is furious! And she storms past the store to her work.

On the way home she saw the same parrot in the window and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

Well, she was incredibly ticked now. The next day she saw the same parrot and the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady, you are really ugly.

The lady was so ticked that she went into the store and said that she would sue the store and kill the bird. The store manager said, "That's not good." and promised he wouldn't say it again.

When the lady walked past the store after work the parrot said to her:

- Hey lady.

She paused and said:

- Yes?

and the bird said:

- You know.

There's this fellow with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor, I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's foul mouth is driving him crazy. One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells:

- QUIT IT!

But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you," and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets VERY quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door.

The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says:

- Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says:

- By the way, what did the chicken do?

There was an elderly lady who lived by herself. She decided that it would be nice to have a talking parrot to keep her company. So the elderly lady went to the pet store and the owner of the store asked her how much she wished to spend. She was on Social Security so she had only 20 dollars to spend. The owner sadly informed the lady that there was no way she could buy a talking parrot for only 20 dollars.

- But, there is a possibility! - he said.

And the store owner brought out a black myna bird on a perch, and said:

- You can have this myna bird for 20 dollars, but he only speaks one phrase, all he can say is 'WHO IS IT?'...that's the limit of his vocabulary.

The lady was ecstatic. She paid the 20 dollars, and took the bird home. When she got home, she placed the perch near the front door and went out to get a cage and some birdseed, and other items she thought her new companion might like.

After the lady drove off, the man from the butcher shop showed up with his weekly delivery. He knocked on the door.

- Who is it!? - shrieked the myna bird.

- It's the butcher! - said the man.

- Who is it!? - repeated the bird.

- Lady, it's the butcher! ... Who is it!?

- Lady, it's the butcher!

- Who is it!? (now exasperated beyond limit)

- Lady! I said it's the GXxxXaXxed butcher!

- Who is it!?

Then the man suffers a heart attack, and falls dead face onto the ground in front of the front door.

The lady returns from her shopping and sees the dead body, she opens the door and says:

- Oh my god! Who is it?!

...and the myna bird promptly says:

- It's the butcher!!!

Two unemployed guys are talking. One says:

- I'm going to become a lion tamer.

The other replies:

- That's crazy, you don't know nothing about no lion taming.

- Yes I do!

- Well, OK, answer me this. When one of those lions comes at you all roaring and biting, what you gonna do?

- Well, then I take that big chair they all carry, and I stick it in his face until he backs down.

- Well, what if the lion takes that big paw, and hooks the chair with them big claws, and throws that chair out of the cage? What do you do then?

- Well, then I takes that whip they all carry, and I whip him and whip him until he backs down.

- Well, what if that lion bites that whip with his big teeth, and bites it in two? What you gonna do then?

- Well, then I take that gun they all carry, and I shoot him.

- Well, what if that gun doesn't work? What will you do then?

- Well, then I pick up some of the shit that's on the bottom of the cage, and I throw it in his eyes, and I run out of the cage.

- Well, what if there ain't no shit in the bottom of the cage? What you gonna do then?

- Well, that's dumb. Cause if that lion comes at me, and he throws the chair out of the cage, and he bites the whip in two, and my gun don't work, there's going to be some shit on the bottom of that cage, you can bet on that.

Once upon a time, there was a river. The Nile River, to be exact. On one side of the river lived the rabbit, and on the other side lived the bear. One fine day, the bear was sitting on a stump, enjoying his breakfest of berries. Then he heard someone yelling at him. It was the rabbit.

- Hey! Hey, Teddy, get your butt over here. I've got something to show you!

- Not now! I'm eating.

- Oh come on! It's really important.

- No way.

- Please. It's urgent.

So the bear decided to go all the way over the wide river. It took him all day and all night to get over to the other side. He nearly drowned. And when he finally got there he was groaning and panting, and wheezing for air.

- Well, rabbit, what did you want to tell me?

- Hey, Teddy, look how many berries are on the other side of the river.