Animal Jokes — worst jokes

An accountant goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner shows him three identical parrots on a perch and says:

- The parrot on the left costs $500.

- Why does that parrot cost so much? - asks the accountant.

- Well - replies the owner.

- it knows how to do complex audits.

- How much does the middle parrot cost? - asks the accountant.

- That one costs $1,000 because it can do everything the first one can do plus it knows how to prepare financial forecasts.

The startled accountant asks about the third parrot, to be told it costs $4,000. Needless to say, this begs the question:

- What can it do?

To which the owner replies:

- To be honest, I've never seen him do a darn thing, but the other two call him Senior Partner.

A man walking along a country road comes across a farmer droving a huge mob of sheep. He stops and chats for a while and then says:

- Tell you what, I'll bet you $100 against one of your sheep that I can tell you the exact number in that flock.

The farmer thinks for a moment, it is a big mob and he can't see how anyone could guess correctly so he says:

- OK. You're on.

- Nine hundred and thirty two - says the man.

The farmer takes off his hat and scratches his head.

- I don't know how you did it but that's exactly right. A bet's a bet. Take any sheep.

The man picks up an animal and is about to walk off when the farmer says:

- Hang on. Bet you double or nothing that I can guess your occupation.

The man thinks:

- How would he know, he's never met me before - and says:

- Righto. You're on.

The farmer says:

- You're an auditor with a Big Four firm.

The man whistles.

- How the heck did you know that?

- Well - says the farmer.

- put my dog down and I'll tell you.

An auditor was examining the balance sheet of a mining company that had just bought a sheep station in the Pilbara area of Western Australia. The reason for the purchase was partly for the thousands of acres that the station covered and partly for the thousands of sheep that ranged over those thousands of acres. The auditor, being very diligent, noted that the value of the sheep formed a significant asset and, like all good auditors, knew that he would have to verify that asset. He chartered an aircraft and flew up to the station. The manager was at the airstrip to meet him.

- Hello - he said.

- I'm the auditor. I've come to count the sheep.

Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

Do fish get thirsty?

If buttered toast always lands buttered side down and a cat always lands on its feet, what would happen if you tied a piece of buttered toast on the back of a cat and dropped it?

What color is a chameleon on a mirror?

If a fly has no wings would you call him a walk?

Did you hear about the household appliance that eats ants and records TV shows?
→ It's the VCRdvard

Which aardvark holds the speed record?
→ The nearsighted aardvark, who wrapped his tongue around a motorcycle!