Worst jokes

Two guys are out hunting deer. The first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- No - the second guy says.

- Well, a bald eagle just flew overhead - the first guy says.

- Oh - says the second guy.

A couple of minutes later, The first guy says:

- Did you see that?

- See what? - the second guy asks.

- Are you blind? There was a big, black bear walking on that hill, over there.

- Oh.

A few minutes later the first guy says:

- Did you see that?

By now, the second guy is getting aggravated, so he says:

- Yes, I did!

And the first guy says:

- Then why did you step in it?

An avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, the eternal pessimist who refused to be impressed with anything. This, surely, would impress him. He invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by. they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend:

- Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?

- I sure did - responded the pessimist.

- He can't swim.

Big Louie the Torpedo was becoming increasingly curious about one of the newer members of his mob, Benny the Rod. Benny had been in the business for many years in another part of the country. During that time he had garnered quite a reputation for being the most conscientious and honorable hit man available. He was also considered quite eccentric, perhaps odd, in that for the last ten years or so he always kept one hand in his pocket - clutching his cold steel weapon in readiness (hence the nickname, Benny the Rod).

When Benny arrived at Louie's office, the question was put to him:

- So what's the story with you and this here gun of yours, eh? Like, are you scared or somethin' or you just want to always be ready or what?

- Not scared ... - Benny growled - been doin' it dis way ever since me sister-in-law's weddin' 'bout ten ten years ago now

- Oh yeah? ... so ...?

- Well, I used ta know her fiance at da time - a no good chisler. He never even loved the goil so much ... but he made her happy and so I kept me mouth shut about it - Benny explained.

Louie leaned in, expecting the point of the matter.

- And since dat time I gotta do it dis way

- But WHY?! - Louie finally demanded?

- Well, I was at da wedding - grumbled Benny, and I wasn't about to say nuttin' about it then, so now I gotta do like da preacher said ...

- Speak Now or Forever Hold Your Piece!

Sherlock Holmes and Matthew Watson were on a camping and hiking trip. They had gone to bed and were lying there looking up at the sky. Holmes said:

- Watson, look up. What do you see?

- Well, I see thousands of stars.

- And what does that mean to you?

- Well, I guess it means we will have another nice day tomorrow. What does it mean to you, Holmes?

- To me, it means someone has stolen our tent.

There was a guy walking down the street in San Francisco, and he tripped over an old looking oil lamp.

He picked it up and hid it under his jacket, because he thought it was priceless.

While he was running to the antique shop to cash this puppy in, it rubbed against his shirt.

POOF! A genie popped out of his pocket!

The very angry looking Genie said:

- All right, I have had enough with this three wish stuff, and 'cuz you stole me away from my HBO Special, I will only give you one wish!

The surprised man said:

- OK, I want to live in Hawaii in a huge condo on the beach with three million dollars in the master bedroom, but I am afraid of boats and planes so I want you to build a bridge from here to Hawaii.

The genie replied with a smirk:

- Are you crazy? Do you know how long that will take, with the pillars going down to the bottom of the ocean, all the cement it would take for the highway? No I'm sorry, it just can't happen.

The man said:

- Fine then, I want to understand women.

The genie said:

- Would you like two lanes or four?

Well, a man was driving down a country road, and he decided to get out and get some fresh air.

He got out, and started walking in a meadow. As he walked, he came upon a hole.
Wanting to see how deep it was, he threw a pebble down. No sound.
So he threw a medium-sized rock down. No sound.

The man started to get frustrated, so he threw a boulder down. No sound. As he searched about, he spotted a railroad beam. He hauled it over to the hole, and shoved it in. No sound.

He sat down on the ground, exhausted. Suddenly, he saw a goat running at him, full speed. He leaped up, and it brushed past him, and fell in the hole. He listened, but there was no sound.

He sat down again. A few minutes later, a farmer came walking up. The man asked him:

- How deep is this hole?

The farmer said:

- Oh. Thats the bottomless pit. It never ends.

- Say, have you seen my prize goat?

The man, not wanting to get the blame, said:

- No.

The farmer said:

- Oh well. He can't get far. He was tied to a railroad beam.

How do you get pikachu on to a boat?
→ You pokemon

Did you hear about Mike Tyson's horse?
→ It got angry and bit at the champ!

Did you find my horse well behaved?
→ Indeed, whenever we came to a fence he let me over first!

As horses say to one another.
Any friend of yours is a palomino!