Worst jokes

Why did King Kong join the army?
→ To learn about gorilla warfare.

After being away on business, Tim thought it would be nice to bring his wife a little gift.

- How about some perfume? - he asked the cosmetics clerk.

She showed him a bottle costing $50.00.

- That's a bit much - said Tim, so she returned with a smaller bottle for $30.00.

- That's still quite a bit - Tim complained.

Growing annoyed, the clerk brought out a tiny $15.00 bottle.

- What I mean - said Tim - is I'd like to see something really cheap.

The clerk handed him a mirror.

The Judge admonished the witness:

- Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?

- I do.

- Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?

- Sure - said the witness - My side will win.

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.

- I'm as sober as you are, your honor - the man claimed.

The judge replied:

- Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days.

Taking his seat in his chambers, the judge faced the opposing lawyers:

- So - he said - I have been presented, by both of you, with a bribe. Both lawyers squirmed uncomfortably.

- You, attorney Leon, gave me $15,000. And you, attorney Campos, gave me $10,000.

The judge reached into his pocket and pulled out a check. He handed it to Leon ...:

- Now then, I'm returning $5,000, and we're going to decide this case solely on its merits.

The defendant stood up in the dock and said to the judge:

- I dont recognize this court!

- Why? - asked the Judge.

- Because you've had it decorated since the last time I was here.

The cross eyed judge looked at the three defendants in the dock and said to the first one:

- So how do you plead?

- Not guilty - said the second defendant.

- I wasn't talking to you - the judge replied.

- I never said a word - the third defendant replied.

When a visitor to a small town in Georgia came upon a wild dog attacking a young boy, he quickly grabbed the animal and throttled it with his two hands.

A reporter saw the incident, congratulated the man and told him the headline the following day would read:

- Valiant Local Man Saves Child by Killing Vicious Animal.

The hero told the journalist that he wasn't from that town.

- Well, then - the reporter said - the headline will probably say, 'Georgia Man Saves Child by Killing Dog'.

- Actually - the man said - I'm from Connecticut.

- In that case - the reporter said in a huff - the headline should read, 'Yankee Kills Family Pet'.

A cub reporter for a small town newspaper was sent out on his first assignment. He submitted the following report to his editor:

- Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today. She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her breasts.

The Editor scolded the new reporter:

- This is a family paper. We don't use words like breasts around here. Now go back and write something more appropiate!

The young reporter thought long and hard. Finally he handed the Editor the following report:

- Mrs. Smith was injured in a car accident today.

She is recovering in County Hospital with lacerations on her ( . )( . )

Three men: an editor, a photographer, and a journalist are covering a political convention in Miami. They decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says:

- Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish.

The photographer went first:

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries. The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The journalist went next:

- I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries. The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the editor's turn:

- And what would your wish be? - asked the genie.

- I want them both back after lunch - replied the editor - the deadline for tomorrow's newspaper is in about ten hours.