A husband and wife entered the dentist's office. The husband said:
- I want a tooth pulled. I don't want gas or Novocain because I'm in a terrible hurry. Just pull the tooth as quickly as possible.
- You're a brave man - said the dentist.
- Now, show me which tooth it is.
The husband turns to his wife and says:
- Open your mouth and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.
A little boy walked down the aisle at a wedding. As he made his way to the front, he would take two steps, then stop, and turn to the crowd, alternating between the bride's side and the groom's side. While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar. And so it went-step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR-all the way down the aisle.
As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed back his tears and said:
- I was being the ring bear.
YOUR SO BALD THAT WHEN YOU WHERE A TURTLENECK YOU LOOK LIKE A ROLL ON DEODORANT.
Why were ancient Egyptian children confused?
→ Because their daddies were mummies.
Two Arabs boarded a shuttle out of Washington for New York. One sat in the window seat, the other in the middle seat. Just before takeoff a fat, little Israeli guy got on and took the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settling in when the Arab in the window seat said:
- I think I'll go up and get a coke.
- No problem - said the Israeli.
- I'll get it for you.
While he was gone, the Arab picked up the Israeli's shoe and spit in it. When the Israeli returned with the coke, the other Arab said:
- That looks good. I think I'll have one too.
Again, the Israeli obligingly went to fetch it, and while he is gone the Arab other picked up the other shoe and spit in it. The Israeli returned with the coke, and they all sat back and enjoyed the short flight to New York.
As the plane was landing the Israeli slipped his feet into his shoes and knew immediately what had happened.
- How long must this go on? - he asked.
- This enmity between our peoples..... this hatred... this animosity... this spitting in shoes and peeing in cokes?
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
- Look at their reserve, their calm - muses the Brit.
- They must be British.
- Nonsense - the Frenchman disagrees.
- They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.
- No clothes, no shelter - the Russian points out.
- they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They are Russian.
A Jewish guy called Jacob finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he's in serious financial trouble. He's so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.
He goes into the synagogue and begins to pray:
- God, please help me, I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well, please let me win the lotto.
Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.
Jacob goes back to the synagogue.
- God, please let me win the lotto, I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well.
Lotto night comes and Jacob still has no luck!!
Back to the synagogue.
- My God, why have you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, my car and my wife and children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. Why won't you just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order???.
Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Jacob is confronted by the voice of GOD himself:
- JACOB, MEET ME HALF WAY ON THIS ONE, BUY A DAMN TICKET
A minister gave a talk to the Lions Club on sex. When he got home, he couldn't tell his wife that he had spoken about sex, so he said he had discussed horseback riding with the members.
A few days later, she ran into some men at the shopping center and they complimented her on the speech her husband had made.
She said:
- Yes, I heard. I was surprised about the subject matter, as he's only tried it twice. The first time he got so sore he could hardly walk, and the second time he fell off.
A man went to work for a zoo veterinarian.
- Look in the lion's mouth - the vet told him.
- How do I do that? - he asked.
- Carefully - replied the vet.
Father and son standing outside the elephant's cage in the Moscow Zoo. Father tells son, "If we stand around here long enough, one of them will throw some food at us."
