The doctor comes to see his heart transplant patient.
- This is good news. It is very unusual, but we have two donors to choose from for your new heart.
The patient is pleased. He asks:
- What were their jobs?
- One was a teacher and the other was an accountant.
- I'll take the accountant's heart - says the patient.
- I want one that hasn't been used.
- The auditors have just left, sir.
- Did they check the books?
- Very thoroughly.
- What did they say?
- They want 15% to keep quiet.
Wife to husband as they watch their young son playing:
- He's such a sensitive child. Let's wait until he's older before we tell him you're an accountant.
Accountant after reading nursery rhymes to his young child:
- No, son. When Little Bo Peep lost her sheep that wouldn't be tax deductible, but I like your thinking.
The accountant had just read the story of Cinderella to his four-year-old daughter for the first time. The little girl was fascinated by the story, especially the part where the pumpkin turns into a golden coach. Suddenly she piped up, "Daddy, when the pumpkin turned into a golden coach, would that be classed as income or a long-term capital gain?"
A Martian lands to plunder, pillage and burn. He goes up to the owner of the first house he sees and says:
- I'm a Martian just arrived from the other side of the galaxy.
- We're here to destroy your civilisation, pillage and burn. What do you think about that?
The owner replies:
- I don't have an opinion. I'm a chartered accountant.
A businessman hires a private detective to find a missing accountant.
The detective tells him that he needs a description and asks a few questions.
- Was he tall or was he short?
The businessman replies:
- Both!
A businessman tells his friend that his company is looking for a new accountant.
His friend asks:
- Didn't your company hire a new accountant a few weeks ago?
The businessman replies:
- That's the accountant we're looking for.
What's a shy and retiring accountant?
→ An accountant who is half a million shy and that's why he's retiring.
Who was the first accountant?
→ Adam. He got interested in figures, turned the first leaf, made the first entry, lost interest after withdrawal, buggered up the monthly accounts and raised the first liability.
