A group of loud and rowdy drunks were making a racket in the street. It was the wee small hours of the morning and the lady of the house flung open a window and shouted at them to keep quiet.
- Is this where Frank lives? - one of the drunks asked.
- Yes, it is - the woman replied.
- Well then - said the drunk, Could you come and pick him out so the rest of us can go home?
McPherson walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
- S'cuse me - said another bar patron, who was puzzled over what McPherson had done. What was that all about?
- Nothing - said the Irishman, my wife sent me out for a jar of olives.
A guy walks into a bar and orders a beer. He only brought enough money for one beer though.
As he's drinking his beer, which was quite expensive, he realizes how bad he has to go to the bathroom. Not wanting anyone to drink his expensive beer, he takes out a 3x5 note card and writes on it:
- I SPIT IN THIS BEER
and walks to the bathroom.
When he comes back about 15 minutes later, there's another 3x5 note card next to his beer saying:
- I SPIT IN IT TOO.
The husband was not home at his usual hour, and the wife was fuming, as the clock ticked later and later. Finally, about 3:00 AM she heard a noise at the front door, and as she stood at the top of the stairs, there was her husband, drunk as a skunk, trying to navigate the stairs.
- Do you realize what time it is? - she asked.
He answered:
- Don't get excited. I'm late because I bought something for the house.
Immediately her attitude changed, and as she ran down the stairs to meet him halfway, she asked:
- What did you buy for the house, dear?
His answer was:
- A round of drinks!
A man drinking at the bar for three hours, yells at the bartender for another drink.
The bartender walks over and tells the man that he has already had too much to drink.
The man looks up from his glass angrily and shouts:
- I have been drinking for 36 years and I have no idea when I have had too much ...so how the hell do you know?
A herd of buffalo can move only as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Excessive intake of alcohol, we all know, kills brain cells, but naturally it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.
In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A man walks into a bar and orders a shot then looks into his pocket. he does this over and over again. finally the bartender asks why he orders a shot and after drinking it he looks into his pocket. the man responded " i have a picture of my wife in there and when she starts to look good then i'll go home."
A man comes in to the room and says to his wife:
- I'm going to the pub. Get your coat on.
The wife, overjoyed that he has included her in his activity replies:
- Does that mean that you are taking me with you, darling?
The husband replies:
- No - I'm turning the heating off.
- I was married 3 times - explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, and I'll never marry again. My first 2 wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my 3rd wife died of a fractured skull.
- That's a shame. - said his friend , How did it happen?
- She wouldn't eat the mushrooms!
A drunk is refused a drink in a bar, so he undertakes to prove to the barman that he is sober.
He gestures toward a cat near the doorway and says:
- You see that cat coming in the door? It has two eyes. If I were drunk, I'd see four!
The bartender looks, then pauses a moment. Finally he responds:
- You're drunker than I thought! - taking the rest of the alcohol away - That cat isn't coming in, it's going out!
