The man who was about to die said to the Sheriff:
- Say, do I really have to die swinging from a tree?
- Course not - replied the Sheriff.
- We just put the rope round your neck and kick the horse away. After that it's up to you.
Did you hear someone has invented a coffin that just covers the head?
→ It's for people like you who're dead from the neck up!
A monster and a zombie went into the undertaker's. "I'd like to order a coffin for a friend of mine who has just died," said the monster. "Certainly, sir," said the undertaker, "but there was really no need to bring him with you."
- I was so sorry to hear you buried your mother last week.
- Well, we had to, you know, she was dead.
Why do you want to be buried at sea?
→ Because my wife says she wants to dance on my grave.
Did you hear about the undertaker who buried someone in the wrong place and was sacked for the grave mistake?
Did you hear about the do-it-yourself funeral?
→ They just loosen the earth and you sink down by yourself.
- Teacher: If I had ten flies on my desk, and I swatted one, how many flies would be left?
- Girl: One - the dead one!
Why did the monster take a dead man for a drive in his car?
→ Because he was a car-case.
- Waiter, waiter! There's a dead fly in my soup.
- Oh no! Who's going to look after his family?
