Worst jokes

- Lawyer: Now that you have been acquitted, will you tell me truly? Did you steal the car?

- Client: After hearing your amazing argument in court this morning, I'm beginning to think I didn't.

- Lawyer: Let me give you my honest opinion.

- Client: No, no. I'm paying for professional advice.

How many lawyers does it take to change a lightbulb?
→ None, they'd rather keep their clients in the dark.

How can you tell a lawyer is lying?
→ Other lawyers look interested.

You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
→ You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

Why is it that New Jersey got all the toxic waste dumps and California got all the lawyers?
→ New Jersey had first choice.

Why is it that if you give a child an encyclopedia, "lawyer" is always the third thing they look up?
→ Because the first thing a child looks up is "dog." The second is "snake." And under snake, the encyclopedia says "See Lawyer."

Why is it dangerous for a lawyer to walk onto a construction site when plumbers are working?
→ Because they might connect the drain line to the wrong suer.

What's the difference between a lawyer and an onion?
→ You cry when you cut up an onion.

In the construction field, it is often noted that lawyers make the worst clients. However, a couple of years ago I met an old carpenter that said lawyers were always his favorite clients!

When I asked him why he got so much pleasure out of having lawyers as clients he replied:

- I only build coffins now.