- It's for my mother-in-law - explained the mourner at the funeral procession.
Tightening the leash, he gestured down at the dog and said:
- My Doberman here killed her.
- Gee... That's terrible - commiserated the spectator.
- But... Hmmmm... Is there anyway you might lend me your dog for a day or so?
The bereaved son-in-law pointed his thumb over his shoulder and answered:
- Get in line.
As he lay on his deathbed, the man confided to his wife:
- I cannot die without telling you the truth. I cheated on you throughout our whole marriage. All those nights when I told you I was working late, I was with other women. And not just one woman either, but I've slept with dozens of them.
His wife looked at him calmly and said:
- Why do you think I gave you the poison?
At a friend's wedding, everything went smoothly until it was time for the flower girl and her young escort to come down the aisle.
The boy stopped at every pew, growling at the guests. When asked afterward why he behaved so badly, he explained:
- I was just trying to be a good ring bear.
A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says:
- Mommy, why does the girl wear white?
His mom replies:
- The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life.
The boy thinks about this, and then says:
- Well then, why is the boy wearing black?
An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels:
- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.
- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.
Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said:
- I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.
So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said:
- Who are you??
Mrs. Riley replied:
- I am the devil!
With that, Riley shook her hand and said:
- Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.
Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him:
- If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here.
Casey mumbled:
- If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here.
In West Kerry, the wife commented:
- When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more....
- Nonsense, darling - replied the husband.
- you cook better now.
Murphy and his wife, a middle-aged couple, went for a stroll in the park. They say down on a bench to rest. They overheard voices coming from a secluded spot. Suddenly Mrs. Murphy realized that a young man was about to propose.
Not wanting to eavesdrop at such an intimate moment, she nudged her husband and whispered:
- Whistle and let that young couple know that someone can hear them.
Murphy said:
- Whistle? Why should I whistle? Nobody whistled to warn me.
- And how's yer wife, Pat?
- Sure, she do be awful sick.
- Is ut dangerous she is?
- No, she's too weak t' be dangerous anymore!
