The sailor came home from a secret two year mission only to find his wife with a new born baby. Furious, he was determined to track down the father to extract revenge.
- Was it my friend Sam - he demanded.
- No! - his weeping wife replied.
- Was it my friend Jim then? - he asked.
- NO!!! - she said even more upset.
- Well which one of my no good friends did this then? - he asked.
- Don't you think I have any friends of my own? - she snapped.
If your wife comes out of the kitchen to whine at you, what have you usually done wrong?
→ Made her chain too long.
An Illinois man who left the snow-filled streets of Chicago for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.
Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter and his note was directed instead to an elderly woman whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor in a dead faint.
At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:
DEAREST WIFE:
JUST GOT CHECKED IN.
EVERYTHING PREPARED FOR YOUR ARRIVAL TOMORROW.
YOUR LOVING HUSBAND
P.S. SURE IS HOT DOWN HERE
A guy is dating three women and can't decide which one to marry. He gives each $1,000 to see how well they can manage money. The first one spends $800 and puts $200 in the bank.
The second one spends $200 and puts $800 in the bank. The third one puts the whole $1,000 in the bank. Which one does he end up marrying? The most beautiful one..
After she woke up, a woman told her husband:
- I just dreamed that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?
- You'll know tonight - he said.
That evening, the man came home with a package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, she opened it - to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams"
Playboy is coming out with a new magazine for men who are married.
Every month the centerfold is the exact same woman.
A man comes home and hears hard breathing female noises from inside the aprtment, walks inside to find his wife on the floor of the living room naked. Wife yells, "help, help, I am having a heart attack", the husband runs in the other room to call the doctor when one of his kids run up to him and says "daddy, daddy, there is a naked man in the closet", husband opens the closet door and sees his friend Bob. He yells at Bob, "Bob, god damn it, my wife is having a heart attack and here you are trying to scare the kids"!!!
A man calls his family doctor:
- Man: Doctor, for the last week my wife has thought that she was a rabbit.
- Doctor: Ok, bring her in and I'll try to help.
- Man: Fine, but whatever you do, don't cure her.
Two men are having an awfully slow round of golf because the two ladies in front of them managed to get into every sand trap, lake, and rough on the course, and they didn't bother to wave the men on through, which is proper golf etiquette.
After two hours of waiting and waiting, one man said:
- I think I'll walk up there and ask those gals to let us play through.
He walked out to the fairway, got halfway to the ladies, stopped, turned around and came back, explaining:
- I can't do it. One of those women is my wife and the other is my mistress. Maybe you'd better go talk to them.
The second man walked toward the ladies, go halfway there and, just as his partner had done, stopped, turned around and walked back.
He smiled sheepishly and said:
- Small World!
- Wife: Do you think of me when you're away darling?
- Husband: Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.
