- The trouble is, - said the entertainer to the psychiatrist, - that I can't sing, I can't dance, I can't tell jokes, I can't act, I can't play an instrument or juggle or do magic tricks or do anything!
- Then why don't you give up show business?
- I can't - I'm a star!
What happens if you tell a psychiatrist you are schizophrenic?
→ He charges you double.
- Well, what's your problem?
- I prefer brown shoes to black shoes.
- There's nothing wrong with that. Lots of people prefer brown shoes to black shoes. I do myself.
- Really? How do your like yours - fried or boiled?
Why did the witch go to the psychiatrist?
→ Because she thought everybody loved her.
A guy had been feeling down for so long that he finally decided to seek the aid of a psychiatrist.
He went there, lay on the couch, spilled his guts then waited for the profound wisdom of the psychiatrist to make him feel better.
The psychiatrist asked me a few questions, took some notes then sat thinking in silence for a few minutes with a puzzled look on his face.
Suddenly, he looked up with an expression of delight and said:
- Um, I think your problem is low self-esteem. It is very common among losers.
The psychology instructor had just finished a lecture on mental health and was giving an oral test.
Speaking specifically about manic depression, she asked:
- How would you diagnose a patient who walks back and forth screaming at the top of his lungs one minute, then sits in a chair weeping uncontrollably the next?
A young man in the rear raised his hand and answered:
- A basketball coach?
A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed.
- Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this.
- What's the problem? - the docotor inquired.
- Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away.
- My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you.
The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face.
- Did my advice not work? - asked the doctor.
- It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women.
- So, what's your problem?
- I don't have a problem - the man replied.
- My wife does.
The aspiring psychiatrists were attending their first class on emotional extremes.
- Just to establish some parameters - said the professor to the student from Arkansas.
- What is the opposite of joy?
- Sadness - said the student.
- And the opposite of depression? - he asked of the young lady from Oklahoma.
- Elation - said she.
- And you sir - he said to the young man from Texas.
- how about the opposite of woe?
The Texan replied:
- Sir, I believe that would be giddy-up.
A group of psychiatrists were attending a convention. Four of them decided to leave, and walked out together. One said to the other three:
- People are always coming to us with their guilt and fears, but we have no one that we can go to when we have problems.
The others agreed.
Then one said:
- Since we are all professionals, why don't we take some time right now to hear each other out?
The other three agreed.
The first then confessed:
- I have an uncontrollable desire to kill my patients.
The second psychiatrist said:
- I love expensive things and so I find ways to cheat my patients out of their money whenever I can so I can buy the things I want.
The third followed with:
- I'm involved with selling drugs and often get my patients to sell them for me.
The fourth psychiatrist then confessed:
- I know I'm not supposed to, but no matter how hard I try, I can't keep a secret...
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing.
The patient replied:
- Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?
The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing.
Patient #1 replied:
- Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb.
The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1:
- If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself
Patient #1 replies:
- What? And work in the dark?
