Worst jokes

A Scottish lad and lass were sitting together on a heathery hill in the Highlands. They had been silent for a while; then the lass said, "A penny for your thoughts." The lad was a bit abashed, but he finally said, "Well, I was thinkin' how nice it would be if ye'd give me a wee bit of a kiss." So she did so. But he again lapsed into a pensive mood which lasted long enough for the lass to ask him, "What arre ye thinkin' now?" To which the lad replied: "Well, I was hopin' ye hadn't forgot the penny!"

With a puzzled look on his face an Indian boy asked, "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived," she explained. The Mother Indian paused for a moment then asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?"

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old man. She asks:

- You come every day to the wall. How long have you done that and what are you praying for?

The old man replies:

- I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In the morning I pray for world peace and then for the brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from the earth.

The journalist is amazed.

- How does it make you feel to come here every day for 25 years and pray for these things? - she asks.

The old man looks at her sadly:

- Like I'm talking to a wall.

What is the last thing you usually hear before a redneck dies?
→ 'Hey y'all... Watch this!'

If a couple from Tennessee get a legal divorce, can they still be brother and sister?

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men saying the following:

- Emma come first. Denna I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Denna I come once-a more.

- You fowl-mouthed swine - retorted the lady indignantly.

- In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!

- Hey, coola down lady - said the man.

- Imma justa tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi.

Giuseppi walks into work, and he says:

- Ey, Tony! You know who's-a George Washington?

Tony says:

- No, Giuseppi, who's-a George Washington?

He says:

- Hah! George-a Washington's the first-a President of-a United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.

A couple of days later, Giuseppi walks into work and says:

- Ey, Tony, you know who's-a Abraham Lincoln?

Tony says:

- No, Giuseppi, who's-a Abraham Lincoln?

He says:

- Hah! Abaham-a Lincoln is-a sixteenth President of-a the United States. I'm-a go to night school, learn all about-a United States, and become-a U.S.-a citizen.

A guy in the back of the shop yells:

- Yo, Giuseppi . . . you know who Fishlips Lorenzo is?

He says:

- No. Who's-a Fishlips Lorenzo is?

The guy yells:

- That's the guy who's bangin' your wife while you're in night school.

A Polish family is sitting in the living room.

The wife turns to the husband and says:

- Let's send the kids out back to p-l-a-y, so we can fuck.

Two Texan are sitting in a small town bar, where one bragged to the other: "You know, I had me every woman in this town, except my mother and my sister." "Well," his buddy replied, "between you and me we got 'em all."

An Arab diplomat visiting the US for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, salami, anchovies etc.) and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water.

Time and again, Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

- Abdul, you son of an ugly camel, where is my water? - demanded the Grand Emir.

- A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One - stammered the wretched Abdul.

- white man sit on well.