- Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
- Patient: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
- Doctor: The lab called with your test results. They said you have 24 hours to live.
- Patient: 24 hours! That's terrible! What could be worse? What's the very bad news?
- Doctor: I've been trying to reach you since yesterday.
A patient came to his dentist with problems with his teeth.
- Patient: Doctor, I have yellow teeth, what do I do?
- Dentist: Wear a brown tie!
- Mary: My daughter believes in preventative medicine, doctor.
- Doctor: Oh, really?
- Mary: Yes, she tries to prevent me from making her take it!
A new arrival, about to enter hospital, saw two white coated doctors searching through the flower beds.
- Excuse me - he said, have you lost something?
- No - replied one of the doctors.
- We're doing a heart transplant for an income-tax inspector and want to find a suitable stone.
There was a drunk man walking down the street turning his car keys back and forth. A policeman came up to him and asked, "Sir, what are you doing?" The drunk replied, "I am looking for my car, the last time I saw it, it was on the end of these keys." The police officer said, "Sir, do you know your zipper is down?" The drunk replied, "Shit, I lost my wife, too!"
A driver, obviously drunk, was heading the wrong way down a one-way street when a policeman pulled him over.
- Didn't you see the arrow, buddy? - he asked.
- An arrow? - the confused driver said.
- I didn't even see the Indians
- Shhaaayyy, buddy, what's a 'Breathalyzer'? - asked one drunk to his friend at the next barstool.
- Well, I'd have to say it's a bag that tells you when you've drunk way too much - answered the equally wasted gent.
- Ah hell, whaddya know? I've been married to one of those for years and years now!
The scene was Mount Olympus, where Bacchus, the Greek god of wine, had thrown a party for a pair of visiting Roman deities -- Ceres, the goddess of agriculture, and Janus, the two-faced god of doors and beginnings. Everyone overdid it, more or less. Ceres at one point was staggering and turning in circles; Janus, equally submerged, was trying to dance with her. Bacchus feared that the pair might fall over, so he went to steady them. .... This marked the first time that a whirled Ceres was held with a double-header.
The modest man is in the hospital for a series of test. One of the last test has left his system upset. Upon making several false alarms to the bathroom he decided the latest was another. He completely filled his bed up with human waste and was embarrased beyond anything he could possibly face. Losing his presence of mind, he jumped up, gathered up the bedsheets, and threw them out the hospital window. A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cussing and swinging his arms which drew the attention of the security guard.
The security guard ask:
- What's going on?
To which the drunk replied:
- I just beat the shit out of a ghost.
A policeman cruising past a pub after closing time notices two motor bikes still parked out the front. He goes round the back of the pub only to find two bikies, one with his fingers up the bum of the other.
- So what's going on here? - he asks.
The bikie replies:
- My mate here has had too much to drink and I'm trying to make him vomit.
The cop says:
- I think you should be sticking your fingers down his THROAT!
The bikie replies:
- That's what I'm going to do next!
