Worst jokes

Mary was having an affair during the day while her husband, John, was at work. One day she was in bed with her boyfriend, Ralph, and she heard her husband's car pull in the driveway.

She yelled at Ralph:

- Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window my husband is home early!

Ralph looked out the window and said:

- I can't jump out the window! It's raining like hell out there!

Mary cried:

- If my husband catches us in here, he will kill both of us!

So the boyfriend grabbed his clothes and jumped out the window! When he landed outside he found himself in the middle of a marathon race... so he started running along side the others -- only he was still in the nude, carrying his clothes on his arm.

One of the runners asked him:

- Do you always run in the nude?

Ralph answered, while gasping for air:

- Oh yes, It feels so free having the air blow over your skin while you are running.

The other runner then asked the nude man:

- Do you always run carrying your clothes on your arm?

Ralph answered breathlessly:

- Oh yes, that way I can get dressed at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!

The runner then asked:

- Do you always wear a condom when you run?

Ralph answered:

- Only if it's raining.

The barber was finishing a haircut on a customer one day and started to apply some 'Aftershave Lotion' around his ears when the customer yelled:

- Don't put that crap on me! My wife says it smells like a French Whorehouse!

Another customer who was waiting replied:

- Hey John, you can put the 'Aftershave Lotion' on me... My wife has never been in a French Whorehouse!

Then the fun began...

In the midst of a veritable downpour, a gallant driver saw a woman alone in the mud trying to change a flat tire, and couldn't bear passing her by. He completed the job for her, and, soaked to the skin, exclaimed jovially, "There, little lady, that's done!" "Quiet," she ordered him. "You'll wake up my husband. He's taking a nap in the back seat."

A construction worker was whistling and verbally harassing a young girl as she walked by the construction site.

She completely ignored him, and just kept on walking.

Annoyed the worker yelled:

- Well you're an ugly bitch anyway!

The girl turned around and replied:

- It must be terrible when even an ugly bitch won't give you the time of day?

In a crowded city at a crowded bus stop, a beautiful young woman was waiting for the bus. She was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't! So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time the big Texan that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned on the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch my body!! I don't even know who you are!

At this the Texan drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we was friends.

A man walks into a bank and says he wants to borrow $200 for six months. The loan officer asks him what kind of collateral he has. The man says 'I've got a Rolls Royce -- keep it until the loan is paid off -- here are the keys.' Six months later the man comes into the bank, pays back the $200 loan, plus $10 interest, and regains possession of the Rolls Royce. The loan officer asks him, 'Sir, if I may ask, why would a man who drives a Rolls Royce need to borrow two hundred dollars?' The man answers, 'I had to go to Europe for six months, and where else could I store a Rolls Royce for that long for ten dollars?'

There was this guy & he had just bought a brand new Farrari F-50 and he was taking it for a cruise. He was stopped at a red light and this little boy on a mopehead stopped next to him and was at awe over the car. He asked the guy if he could ake a quick look inside and he agreed. Just as he was getting out of the car the boy asked the man how fast his car could go and he said. "oh, around 175-200. Want to see?" Of couse the boy nodded and waited for the light to turn green. The man took off at a very high rate of speed. As he was traveling down the road he saw a little light catching up with him and then flew right past him. 'no! it couldnt be the boy on the mopehead could it?' he asked to himself. Then the light came flying back and went way behind him. The guy then ralized that it indeed WAS the boy on the mopehead. Then the light started to catch up with him again. He slowed down a bit to catch up with the boy to find out exactly how he got the little bike to go that fast and in a stunned voice the boy looked at the man and siad.. "Would you mind taking my suspenders off your rear view mirror?"

Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully deep.

After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.

The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.

As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck.

- So - the wife says, what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?

- Well - says the man, rubbing his nose, by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law.

A young man has always dreamed on owning a Harley Davidson. One day he has finally saved up enough money so he goes down to the dealer.

After picking out the perfect bike the dealer warns him that if he leaves his Harley in the rain the chrome has a tendency to rust.

He tells the young man an old biker's trick is to keep a jar of Vaseline handy and smear it on the chrome if the bike must be left out in the rain.

A few months later the young man meets a woman and falls in love. She asks him to come home and meet her parents over dinner. He readily agrees and the date is set. At the appointed time he picks her up on his Harley and they ride to her parents house. Before they go in she tells him that they have a family tradition that whoever speaks first after dinner must do the dishes.

After a delicious dinner everyone sits in silence waiting for the first person to break and get stuck doing the dishes. After a long fifteen minutes the young man decides to speed things up so he reaches over and kisses the woman in front of her family.

And no one says a word...! Next he decides to take a more direct approach so he throws her on the table and has sex with her in front of everyone. And still no one says a word...!!! Now he is getting desperate, so he grabs her mother and throws her on the table.

They have even wilder sex. But no one says a word...!!!!

By now he is getting very worried and is wondering what to do next when he hears thunder in the distance. His first thought is to protect the chrome on his Harley, so he reaches in his pocket and pulls out the Vaseline. And the father says:

- Okay dammit, I'll do the dishes.

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said:

- When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife.

At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked:

- How did it go?

The man answered:

- Not that well... when I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!