Worst jokes

Prostitute walks into a bar and asks the bar man for two Bacardi's and coke. Bar man serves her and notices that she drinks one and empties the other one down her panties. Now this happened another three times and the bar man was getting rather curious. The bar man nicely questions her and asks her why she is drinking one Barcardi and coke and throwing the other one down her panties. She replies, "I just won the lottery and that's the only cunt getting a drink out of me tonight!"

Two mountain bred GIs were wandering the streets of calcutta when an old woman walked by. "Hey, Billy Joe," one said, "I think that's Mother Teresa." "Your nuts." "I'm telling you."

They approached the woman and one asked, "Are you Mother Teresa?" The old lady eyed them scornfully. "Fuck off, you goddamn perverts," she hissed, striding off. "Jeez," Billy Joe said, watching her disappear into the crowd, "now we'll never know."

How do you know when the barmaid is really pissed off?
→ When you find a string in your bloody mary.

A little town had a high birth rate that had attracted the attention of the sociologists at the state university. They wrote a grant proposal; got a huge chunk of money; hired a few additional sociologists, anthropologist and a family planning and birth control specialist; moved to town; rented offices; set up their computers; got squared away; and began designing their questionnaires and such.

While the staff was busy getting ready for their big research effort, the project director decided to go to the local drugstore for a cup of coffee. He sat down at the counter, ordered his coffee, and while he was drinking it, he told the druggist what his purpose was in town, then asked him if he had any idea why the birth rate was so high.

- Sure - said the druggist.

- Every morning the six o'clock train comes through here and blows for the crossing. It wakes everybody up, and, well, it's too late to go back to sleep, and it's too early to get up.

A young man walks into a singles bar with a roll of quarters taped inside the crotch of his jeans. He looks around, then sits next to the most attractive woman there. He was very pleased with himself after he noticed her constantly glancing down at his crotch. "Hi, there, I'm Jerry," he said, as he went into one of his well rehearsed routines, "and I help produce a T.V. quiz show. Is there any question I can answer for you?" "As a matter of fact there is," she said as she glanced down once more toward his embellished jeans. "Do you have change for a dollar?"

An infamous stud with a long list of conquests walked into his neighborhood bar and ordered a drink. The bartender thought he looked worried and asked him if anything was wrong. "I'm scared out of my mind," the stud replied. "Some pissed-off husband wrote to me and said he'd kill me if I didn't stop fucking his wife." "So stop," the barkeep said. "I can't," the womanizer replied, taking a long swill. "The prick didn't sign his name!"

A guy takes his greenhorn wife hunting on a ranch. When they reach their deer blinds, the guy says, "If you shoot a deer, be sure not to let somebody else say he's the one who shot it. Otherwise, he'll take the deer from you. The deer belongs to whoever shoots it." The guy goes to his own blind. Ten minutes later, he hears his wife shooting from her blind nearby. He rushes over and finds her pointing her rifle at a cowboy who's hollering, "Awright, lady, awright--you can have the goddamn deer! Just lemme get my saddle off it!"

- Hey, Pal - the irate druggist shouted.

- Put that cigar out while you are in my store!

- I bought this cigar here! - claimed the Customer.

- Big Deal! - said the Druggist.

- We sell condoms too.

Oscar was an unlucky sap. Having just spent megabucks on a skydiving class, he dove out of the airplane and pulled the ripcord. The chute emerged, tangled, and he cut it free. He then pulled the cord on the reserve chute, and it also was tangled. He prayed to his God and looked down to the ground below. To his amazement, a woman was coming up with equal velocity. "Hey, you know anything about parachutes?" he shouted to her, as they passed by. The reply: "No... you know anything about Coleman stoves?"

A man is driving down the road and notices a car in the ditch. He doesn't usually help many people so he drives on by. Then he notices that a pretty woman is the driver so he goes back to help. As he is hooking his truck to her car he says:

- You know, you are the first pregnant woman I've ever helped out of a ditch

- But I'm not pregnant - she says.

- Well you're not out of the ditch yet - he says.