Worst jokes

Guyness Quiz
Take This Scientific Quiz to Determine Your Guyness Quotient

1. Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth. You decide to:
   a. Present it to the president of the United States.
   b. Present it to the secretary general of the United Nations.
   c. Take it apart.
2. As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
   a. Innocence.
   b. Idealism.
   c. Cherry bombs.
3. When is it okay to kiss another male?
   a. When you wish to display simple and pure affection without regard for narrow-minded social conventions.
   b. When he is the pope. (Not on the lips.)
   c. When he is your brother and you are Al Pacino and this is the only really sportsmanlike way to let him know that, for business reasons, you have to have him killed.
4. What about hugging another male?
   a. If he's your father and at least one of you has a fatal disease.
   b. If you're performing the Heimlich maneuver. (And even in this case, you should repeatedly shout: "I am just dislodging food trapped in this male's trachea! I am not in any way aroused!")
   c. If you're a professional baseball player and a teammate hits a home run to win the World Series, you may hug him provided that: (1) He is legally within the basepath, (2) Both of you are wearing protective cups, and (3) You also pound him fraternally with your fist hard enough to cause fractures.
5. Complete this sentence: A funeral is a good time to...
   a. ...remember the deceased and console his loved ones.
   b. ...reflect upon the fleeting transience of earthly life.
   c. ...tell the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.
6. In your opinion, the ideal pet is:
   a. A cat.
   b. A dog.
   c. A dog that eats cats.
7. You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive. Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy -- you're watching a football game; she's reading the papers -- when she suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, tells you that she thinks she really loves you, but she can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe that you have some kind of future together. What do you say?
   a. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
   b. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
   c. That you cannot believe the Jets called a draw play on third and seventeen.
8. Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her -- sharing the joys and the sorrows, the triumphs and the tragedies, and all the adventures and opportunities that the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
   a. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
   b. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing her hair and the stars in her eyes, you tell her.
   c. Tell her what?
9. One weekday morning your wife wakes up feeling ill and asks you to get your three children ready for school. Your first question to her is:
   a. "Do they need to eat or anything?"
   b. "They're in school already?"
   c. "There are three of them?"
10. When is it okay to throw away a set of veteran underwear?
    a. When it has turned the color of a dead whale and developed new holes so large that you're not sure which ones were originally intended for your legs.
    b. When it is down to eight loosely connected underwear molecules and has to be handled with tweezers.
    c. It is never okay to throw away veteran underwear. A real guy checks the garbage regularly in case somebody -- and we are not naming names, but this would be his wife -- is quietly trying to discard his underwear, which she is frankly jealous of, because the guy seems to have a more intimate relationship with it than with her.
11. What, in your opinion, is the most reasonable explanation for the fact that Moses led the Israelites all over the place for forty years before they finally got to the Promised Land?
    a. He was being tested.
    b. He wanted them to really appreciate the Promised Land when they finally got there.
    c. He refused to ask directions.
12. What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
    a. Democracy.
    b. Religion.
    c. Remote control.

How to Score: Give yourself one point for every time you picked answer "c." A real guy would score at least 10 on this test. In fact, a real guy would score at least 15, because he would get the special five-point bonus for knowing the joke about the guy who has Alzheimer's disease and cancer.

Two guys of limited intelligence were on a ship that sank in the middle of the ocean. They managed to inflate a rubber life raft and grab a box of provisions before their ship slipped below the surface. After floating under blazing heat for 6 days they ran out of food and water. On the 10th day, bleary eyed and half dead from heat, thirst and starvation, they spotted a small object floating toward them in the water. As it drew near, they were ecstatic to find that it was an oil lamp (the kind the genies come in).

They grabbed the lamp and rubbed it. "POOF" out popped a tired old genie who said:

- ok.. so you freed me from this stupid lamp, yadda, yadda, yadda. But hey, I've been doing this 3 wishes stuff for a long time now and quite frankly, I'm burned out. You guys get only ONE wish and then I'm OUTTA here. Make it a good one.

The first guy, without hesitation or thought blurted out:

- Give us all the beer we can drink for the rest of our lives!!!

- Fine - said the genie, and he instantly turned the entire ocean into beer.

- Great move Einstein! - said the second guy, slapping the first guy in the head.

- NOW we're gonna have to piss in the BOAT!

Chase is very pleased to announce that we are installing new Drive-thru ATMs where customers will be able withdraw cash without leaving their vehicle. (Other accounts can also utilise this facility) Male and Female procedures have been tailored to best reflect the behaviors of those particular groupings.

PROCEDURE FOR MALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Open the car window
3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN
4. Enter amount of cash required and press "enter"
5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt
6. Close window
7. Drive away

PROCEDURE FOR FEMALE CUSTOMERS:

1. Drive up to the ATM
2. Reverse back the required distance to align car with ATM
3. Re-start stalled engine
4. Open the car window
5. Find handbag, empty all contents onto the passenger seat and locate card
6. Turn radio down
7. Attempt to insert card into ATM
8. Open car door to allow easier access to ATM due to excessive distance between car and ATM
9. Insert card
10. Re-insert card the right way up
11. Ignore the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
12. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate diary with PIN written on the inside back page under "Date of Birth"
13. Enter PIN
14. Press "cancel" and re-enter PIN
15. Enter amount of cash required and check make-up in rearview mirror
16. Drum fingertips on steering wheel for one minute, then look at ATM and press "enter"
17. Retrieve cash and receipt
18. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate purse and place cash inside
19. Place receipt in back of cheque book
20. Re-check make-up
21. Drive forward two metres
22. Reverse back to ATM ignoring the sound of car horn from vehicle behind
23. Retrieve card
24. Search contents of handbag (on passenger seat) to locate card holder and place card in an empty slot
25. Drive two or three kilometres
26. Release hand brake

What's the one thing worse than a male chauvinist pig?
→ A woman who won't do what she's told.

There's a Space Shuttle mission to the moon with 2 monkeys and a woman on board.

The headquarters in the US calls:

- Monkey #1, Monkey #1 report to coms for instructions.

He sits down and he is told to release the pressure in compartment 1, increase the temperature in engine 4 and to release oxygen to the reactors. So the monkey does the pressure, temperature, and releases the oxygen.

A few moments later headquarters calls again:

- Monkey #2, Monkey #2 report to coms for instructions.

He sits down and he is told to add Carbon Dioxide to room 4, to stop the fuel injection to engine 3, to add nitrogen to the fuel compartment and to analyse the solar radiation. So the monkey does the carbon dioxide, the fuel injection, the nitrogen and the analysis of solar radiation.

A little later on, headquarters calls again:

- Woman, woman please report to coms for instructions.

She sits down and just as she is about to be told what to do she says.....:

- I know, I know!! Feed the monkeys, and don't touch a damn thing.

A young woman on a rough Atlantic crossing was in her cabin undressing then suddenly she was overcome by sea sickness. In a panic she rushed into the corridor and headed for the bathroom. It was not until she collided with an elderly gentleman that she realized she didn't have a stitch of clothing on.

Horrified, she let out a shriek.

Her fellow sufferer looked at her sadly:

- Don't let it bother you, miss - he moaned.

- I'll never live to tell anyone.

What's the difference between women and men?
→ One has morning sickness, the other has morning stiffness.

The Seven Most Important Men in a Woman's Life

- The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

- The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

- The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

- The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

- The Interior Designer - who tells her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

- The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

- The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

What are the three fastest means of communication?
→ Internet Telephone Telawoman!

The not necessarily well-prepared student sat in his life science classroom staring at a question on the final exam paper. The question directed:

- Give four advantages of breast milk.

What to write? He sighed, and began to scribble whatever came into his head, hoping for the best:

1. No need to boil.
2. Cats can't steal it.
3. Available whenever necessary.

So far so good - maybe. But the exam demanded a four-part answer. Again, what to write? Once more, he sighed. He frowned. He scowled, then sighed again. But suddenly, he brightened. He grabbed his pen, and triumphantly, he scribbled his definitive answer:

4. Available in attractive containers.