Worst jokes

TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY
6969 Slippery Root Drive
Droptrouser, NC 22269

Dear John Doe,

We regret to inform you that we have rejected your application to model and represent our product, TROJAN CONDOMS.

Although your general appearance is not displeasing, our Board of Directors feels that your wearing of our product in the advertisement does not portray a positive, romantic image for our product. A loose baggy and wrinkled condom is NOT considered romantic.

We did admire your efforts to try and firm it up by using Polygrip, but even then it slipped off before we could get the photographs taken. We would like to note, however, that yours is the first we've seen that looked like a bicycle grip.

We appreciate your interest and thank you for your time. We will retain your application for future consideration, if by chance we decide that there is a market for micro-mini condoms.

We send greetings and our deepest sympathy.

Yours very truly,
Burley Dick, President
TROJAN CONDOM COMPANY, INC.

VD/abcP.

P.S. Remember our slogans:

Cover your stump before you hump.

Don't be silly, protect your Willie.

Never deck her with an unwrapped pecker.

Before you attack her, wrap your whacker.

If you're not going to sack it, go home and whack it!

This girl walks in to a doctors office and she asks:

- Whats a failic symbol?

Doctor says:

- You're kidding..

Girl says:

- No! I don't know! Whats a failic symbol???

Doctor pulls his pants and underwear down and says:

- You see? This is a failic symbol!

Girl says:

- Oh! Its just like a penis, only smaller

A young girl sees her father in the shower and asks what his testicles are.

- Those are the Apples of the Tree of Life - he tells her, by way of poetic concealment.

She tells this to her mother, who replies:

- Did he say anything about that dead branch they're hanging on?

Why lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they aren't prepared for the answer:

In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand - a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked:

- Mrs.. Jones, do you know me?

She responded:

- Why, yes I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked:

- Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?

She replied:

- Why yes, I do. I 've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women, one of whom was your wife. Yes, I know him.

The defense attorney almost died.

The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and in a very quiet voice said:

- If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry asses in jail for contempt.

Sue reports for jury duty as ordered, and promptly asks to be excused because she believes she's prejudice. "I took one look at those shifty eyes and that cheap polyester suit and I immediately knew that he was guilty as sin." "Sit down," says the judge. "That's the prosecuting attorney."

What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of shit?
→ The bucket.

Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
→ Professional courtesy.

Why don't you ever see lawyers at the beach?
→ The cats keep covering them up with sand!

A lawyer returns to his parked BMW to find the headlights broken and his front bumper smashed. There's no sign of the offending vehicle, but he's relieved to see that there's a note stuck under the windshield wiper. The lawyer picks up the note. "Sorry. I just backed into your Beemer. The witnesses who saw the accident are nodding and smiling at me because they think I'm leaving my name, address and other particulars. But I'm not."

What do you call an honest lawyer?
→ An oxymoron.