Worst jokes

One day Pablo and Paco are riding through the desert on their horses. As they ride along, Pablo smells something horrible. He stops his horse and turns around. He says:

- Hey Paco, you shit your pants?

Paco says:

- No, Pablo, I did not shit my pants.

He believes him and they keep riding.

As they go on, the smell gets worse. The smell is so bad, flys begin to swarm. Pablo stops his horse and turns around. He then says:

- Paco, Are you sure you did not shit your pants?

Paco says:

- Yes Pablo, I am sure I did not shit my pants.

He says:

- Ok.

They keep going and now the smell is getting to be unbearable. Pablo is swatting the flys away. Pablo stops his horse and gets of his horse. He then says:

- Paco, get of your horse. Paco, pull down your pants. Paco, I thought you said you did not shit your pants?

Paco replies:

- I thought you meant today!

The Zen Master is visiting New York City from Tibet. He goes up to a hot dog vendor and says:

- Make me one with everything.

The hot dog vendor fixes a hot dog and hands it to the Zen Master, who pays with a $20 bill.

The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it.

- Where's my change? - asks the Zen Master.

The vendor responds:

- Change must come from within.

Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson are hiking. They hiked all day long and then, having gotten tired, unpacked and quickly retired.

Holmes wakes up deep into the night, wakes Watson and says:

- Watson, do you see the bright stars and do you notice how clear the sky is? What can you deduce from it?

Watson yawns and tries to play the game:

- Well, this clearly tells us the weather tomorrow is going to be dry and sunny.

- No, my friend. It's much simpler than that. Someone has stolen our tent.

Two retired ladies were on the beach in Miami.

They were discussing the fact that if they go for a swim, someone might steal their cigarettes, but if they take the cigarettes with them, they will get soaked. Then they notice a gorgeous girl walking out of the ocean. She reaches into the top of her swimsuit, pulls out a perfectly dry cigarette and book of matches and lights up. The ladies go up to the girl and ask:

- How do you keep your cigarettes dry?

Her answer:

- I put them inside of a condom.

The women rush to a pharmacy and ask for a condom. When the pharmacist asks:

- What size? - one of the ladies says.

- It should fit a Camel.

A mother and her son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas to Chicago. The son, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and said:

- If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the stewardess. So the boy asked the stewardess:

- If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?

The stewardess asked:

- Did your mother tell you to ask me?

The boy said that she had. She then said:

- Tell your mother that Southwest always pulls out on time.

For all of you out there who've had to deal with an irate customer, this one is for you. It's a classic! In tribute to those 'special' customers we all love! An award should go to the United Airlines gate agent in Denver for being smart and funny, and making her point, when confronted with a passenger who probably deserved to fly as cargo.

A crowded United flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said:

- I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS.

The agent replied:

- I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out.

The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear:

- Do you have any idea who I am?

Without hesitating, the gate agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone.

- May I have your attention please? - she began, her voice bellowing throughout the terminal.

- We have a passenger here at the gate WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to the gate.

With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore:

- F*** you.

Without flinching, she smiled and said:

- I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that, too.

There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane.

At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess collecting tickets.

When the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself. The stewardess said:

- I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub.

Some men go on a hunting trip and separate into pairs. That evening one hunter, Sam, returned to camp alone toting a 12 point buck.

- Where's George? - one of the men asked, noticing that Sam had returned alone.

- He's about 6 miles back. He tripped and broke his ankle. I left him there 'cause I figured ain't nobody 'bout to steal him.

This lady who was living in New York City had to get back to her old country but she was broke.

One day she wandered down to the docks and spotted a worker getting ready to load supplies onto a boat.

- Please I need to get back to England - she pleaded.

- If you sneak me onboard tonight I'll give you favors all the way across the ocean.

Well needless to say later that night he put her in a duffel bag and carried her onboard. Down in the hold where she was hidden he said:

- When I bring you some food, twice a day, I'll collect.

And being true to her word she agreed.

This went on for about a week when by accident the captain found her.

- Please don't get angry - she started to say and explained the story to the captain who busted up laughing.

- Why are you laughing? - she demanded.

He said:

- Because you're on the Statten Island Ferry.

- Pilot: Pilot to tower . . . pilot to tower . . . I am 300 miles from land . . . 600 feet over water . . . and running out of fuel . . . please instruct!

- Tower: Tower to pilot . . . tower to pilot . . . repeat after me: "Our Father, which art in heaven . . ."