Worst jokes

An accountant dies and goes to Heaven. He reaches the pearly gates and is amazed to see a happy crowd all waving banners and chanting his name.

After a few minutes St. Peter comes running across and says:

- I'm sorry I wasn't here to greet you personally. God is looking forward to meeting such a remarkable man as yourself.

The accountant is perplexed.

- I've tried to lead a good life, but I am overwhelmed by your welcome - he tells St. Peter.

- It's the least we can do for someone as special as you are. Imagine, living to the age of 123 and still looking so young - says St. Peter.

The man looks even more dumbfounded and replies:

- 123 years old? I don't know what you mean. I'm only 40.

St. Peter replies:

- But that can't be right - we've seen your time sheets!

The stockbroker received notice from the IRS that he was being audited. He showed up at the appointed time and place with all his financial records, then sat for what seemed like hours as the accountant pored over them.

Finally the IRS agent looked up and commented:

- You must have been a tremendous fan of Sir Arthur Conan Doyle.

- Why would you say that? - wondered the broker.

- Because you've made more brilliant deductions on your last three returns than Sherlock Holmes made in his entire career.

Three engineers and three accountants are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three accountants each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

- How are three people going to travel on only one ticket? - asks an accountant.

- Watch and you'll see - answers an engineer.

They all board the train. The accountants take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them.

Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets. He knocks on the restroom door and says:

- ticket, please.

The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The accountants saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the accountants decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money (being clever with money, and all!) When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip.

To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

- How are you going to travel without a ticket? - says one perplexed accountant.

- Watch and you'll see - answers an engineer.

When they board the train the three accountants cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the accountants are hiding. He knocks on the door and says:

- ticket, please.

A President of a democracy is a man who is always ready, willing, and able to lay down your life for his country.

A backscratcher will always find new itches; a brown-noser will always find new sense.

A bad day fishing is better than a good day at work.

A bird in the bush usually has a friend in there with him.

A bird in the hand is always safer than one overhead.

A bird in the hand is dead.

A bird in the hand makes it hard to blow your nose.

A boss with no humor is like a job that is no fun.

A clean tie attracts the soup of the day.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

An American manufacturer is showing his machine factory to a potential customer from Albania. At noon, when the lunch whistle blows, two thousand men and women immediately stop work and leave the building.

- Your workers, they're escaping! - cries the visitor.

- You've got to stop them.

- Don't worry, they'll be back - says the American. And indeed, at exactly one o'clock the whistle blows again, and all the workers return from their break.

When the tour is over, the manufacturer turns to his guest and says:

- Well, now, which of these machines would you like to order?

- Forget the machines - says the visitor.

- How much do you want for that whistle?

An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. The investment banker began to interview young lawyers.

"As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward.

- Mr. Mayberry, are you an honest lawyer?

- Honest? - replied the job prospect.

- Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case.

- Impressive. And what sort of case was that? - asked the investment counselor.

The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted:

- He sued me for the money.

Did you hear about the banker who was recently arrested for embezzling $100,000 to pay for his daughter's college education?

As the policeman, who also had a daughter in college, was leading him away in handcuffs, he said to the banker:

- I have just one question for you. Where were you going to get the rest of the money?

"The fees for withdrawing money from your ATM machines are expected to double, even triple. You're gonna pay two to three as much to withdraw your money so basically the ATM machines have become full service. Instead of getting robbed at the ATM machine the ATM machine robs you. You eliminate the middle man." - Jay Leno

Letterman's Top Ten Signs You're Doing Business With The Wrong Bank:

10. When you make a deposit, tellers high-five each other.
11. After you get a free toaster, bank president shows up at your house begging for toast.
12. Your monthly statements are handwritten, in crayon.
13. When you want to make a withdrawal, clerks suddenly don't speak English.
14. You notice Kato Kaelin is sleeping in the vault.
15. Your safety deposit box is a Dunkin' Donuts carton wrapped in tin foil.
16. All cash deposits go directly into teller's pants.
17. Lobby is waist-deep in Mexican pesos.
18. Toll-free customer service line is: 1-800-GET-HOSED.
19. Four words: Bank President Rosa Lopez

This guy is walking with his friend, who happens to be a psychologist. He says to this friend:

- I'm a walking economy.

The friend asks:

- How so?

- My hair line is in recession, my stomach is a victim of inflation, and both of these together are putting me into a deep depression!