Worst jokes

What do you call Santa's Helpers?
→ Subordinate clauses!

How many letters are there in the alphabet?
→ Twenty-four, because E.T. went home.

Eye Halve a Spelling ChequerEye halve a spelling chequerIt came with my pea seaIt plainly marques four my revueMiss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a wordAnd weight four it two sayWeather eye am wrong oar writeIt shows me strait a weigh. As soon as a mist ache is maidIt nose bee fore two longAnd eye can put the error riteIts rarely ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw itI am shore your pleased two no Its letter perfect in it's weighMy chequer tolled me sew.-- Sauce unknown

This weekend, I discovered a cooking tip I haven't seen listed in any cookbooks.

While you are preparing the food, and after the guests have arrived, you contrive to fill the house up with smoke, preferably enough to get at least two smoke detectors going.

Then you go rushing about the house, opening all the windows, setting up fans, and generally doing everything short of calling the fire department.

Let the guests sit for about 1/2 hour at 50 degrees (as a result of opening the windows) and serve the food.

By this point, you have established expectations in your guests' minds that you can't fail to exceed!

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. "No bills larger than $20 will be accepted." The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked:

- Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn't be eating here.

Food quotes, quips, and thoughts . . .

- Artichokes ... are just plain annoying ... After all the trouble you go to, you get about as much actual 'food' out of eating an artichoke as you would from licking thirty or forty postage stamps. Have the shrimp cocktail instead. - Miss Piggy

- The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for 30 years she served the family nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found. - Sam Levinson

- This recipe is certainly silly. It says to separate two eggs, but it doesn't say how far to separate them. - Gracie Allen

- I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet. - Erma Bombeck

- I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills. Know what happened? I ate faster. - Joe E. Lewis

- I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead -- not sick, not wounded -- dead. - Woody Allen

- Food is an important part of a balanced diet. - Fran Lebowitz

- Health food makes me sick. - Calvin Trillin

- Watermelon -- it's a good fruit. You eat, you drink, you wash your face. - Enrico Caruso

- Old people shouldn't eat health foods. They need all the preservatives they can get. - Robert Orben

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family.

She asked a stock boy:

- Do these turkeys get any bigger?

The stock boy replied:

- No ma'am, they're dead.

Ever wonder about people who pay $2 for a bottle of Evian water?
→ Just spell "Evian" backwards!

Heard on a radio station.

What did the female mushroom say about the male mushroom?
→ He's a real fun guy [fungi].

From Harper's Magazine:
Amount of pizza eaten each day in U.S. (acres): 75