Worst jokes

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep:

- I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove.

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says:

- Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here.

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter.

- Anything else - he questions.

The hippie replies:

- Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove.

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells:

- Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!

So the barkeep returns to the hippie:

- That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?

- Yeah - the hippie says, but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove.

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

"You can kiss my ass! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"

- Lerman's Law of Technology: Any technical problem can be overcome given enough time and money.

Corollary: You are never given enough time or money.

- Murphy's First Law for Wives: If you ask your husband to pick up five items at the store and then you add one more as an afterthought, he will forget two of the first five.

- Law of the Search: The first place to look for anything is the last place you would expect to find it.

Corollary: It will not be in the last place you expect to find it.

- Kauffman's Paradox of the Corporation: The less important you are to the corporation, the more your tardiness or absence is noticed.

- The Salary Axiom: The pay raise is just large enough to increase your taxes and just small enough to have no effect on your take-home pay.

- Miller's Law of Insurance: Insurance covers everything except what happens.

- First Law of Living: As soon as you start doing what you always wanted to be doing, you'll want to be doing something else.

- Weiner's Law of Libraries: There are no answers, only cross-references.

- Isaac's Strange Rule of Staleness: Any food that starts out hard will soften when stale. Any food that starts out soft will harden when stale.

- Kenny's Law of Auto Repair: The part requiring the most consistent repair or replacement will be housed in the most inaccessible location.

- Second Law of Business Meetings: If there are two possible ways to spell a person's name, you will pick the wrong one.

Corollary - If there is only one way to spell a name, you will spell it wrong anyway.

- The Grocery Bag Law: The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

- Yeager's Law: Washing machines break down only during the wash cycle.

Corollary: All breakdowns occur on the plumber's day off.

- Lampner's Law of Employment: When leaving work late, you will go unnoticed. When you leave work early, you will meet the boss in the parking lot.

- Quile's Consultation Law: The job that pays the most will be offered when there is no time to deliver the services.

- Loftus' Law: Some people manage by the book, even though they don't know who wrote the book or even which book it is.

- Lovka's Dilemma: You never get away, you only get someplace else.

What does a short sighted gynecologist and a dog have in common?
→ They both have wet noses!

A Sailor is sitting at a bar one night and is chatting it up with a beautiful blonde. After some drinks she starts to cry and tell him the sad story that she is Polish and misses home terribly but can't afford to buy a ticket to go home.

The sailor tells her his profession and makes a deal with her:

- I'll hide you away on my ship on one condition. You have to have sex with me when I ask.

She hugs him, crys and agrees. So late that night they sneak on to his ship and he hides her in a big life boat with a canvas cover. He tells her he'll bring her food and water and she'll just have to stay hidden because she'll be in big trouble if she's caught.

So for the next three weeks he brings her rations every day and sleeps with her every night.

Finally one day the captain is strolling on deck, sees something suspicious and lifts the cover discovering the girl. He yells:

- STOWAWAY!

Scared she explains:

- Dont be mad at me sir. One of your sailors stowed me away to take me home to Poland, and is having sex with me for payment!

- No kidding? Lady... this is the Staten Island Ferry!

Secret tips for making a marriage last...

My wife and I have the secrets to making a marriage last...

1. Two times a week, we go to a nice restaurant, a little wine, good food and companionship. She goes Tuesdays. I go Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in Florida, mine is in NY.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife:

- Where do you want to go for our anniversary?

- Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!

So I suggested:

- How about the kitchen?

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster, and electric bread maker. Then she said:

- There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down !

So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well, there was water in the carburetor. When I asked where the car was, she told me:

- In the lake.

8. My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but BOY, can she climb a tree now!
9. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off...
10. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling:

- Am I too late for the garbage?

The driver said:

- No, jump in!

A man accused of robbing a bank was tried for the final time and was found guilty. Just before he was taken away, the man looked the judge in the eye and said:

- Would it be okay if I called you a son of a bitch?

The judge's face went red and he roared:

- It most certainly would not! I'd add another two years onto your sentence!

The defendant nodded and then asked:

- Would it be okay if I THOUGHT you were a son of a bitch?

The judge was becoming very annoyed but replied:

- Yes, I suppose that would be okay. I obviously have no control over your thoughts.

The defendant smiled and said:

- Well, in that case, judge, I think you are a son of a bitch!

A pig walks into a bar and orders a beer. After drinking it, he hops off the bar stool, pees on the floor and leaves.

Another pig comes in, drinks his beer, pees on the floor and leaves.

A third and forth piggy come in and do the same exact thing.

Finally, a fifth piggy comes in to the bar and orders a beer. After finishing his beer, he gets off the bar stool and begins to walk out the door.

Before reaching the door, the bartender yells:

- Hey Pig...aren't you going to pee on the floor like the others?

To which the pig replies:

- No you idiot! Everyone knows that the last little piggy goes WEE WEE WEE - all the way home!

A man walked into a pet store looking for a new pet for his wife.

So he asked the salesman for some assistance. The salesguy brought the man to a parrot in the back.

- Now this is the perfect pet for your wife, Chet is an very special animal - the salesman said.

- What makes him so special? - the man asked.

The salesman took a lighter from his pocket and held it under the Chet's right foot, and Chet started to sing "Jingle bells, jingle bells.." and then the salesman held the lighter under is left foot and Chet started to sing "Deck the halls..."

So the man asked:

- What happens if you hold the lighter between his feet?

- Well I don't know - answered the salesman.

So he holds the lighter between the parrot's legs and instantly Chet began to sing:

- Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. No one is listening until you make a mistake.
6. Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
7. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
8. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
9. It is far more impressive when others discover your good qualities without your help.
10. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
11. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
12. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
13. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.
14. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
15. Don't squat with your spurs on.
16. If you drink, don't park; accidents cause people.
17. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

A man comes home from an exhausting day at work, plops down on the couch in front of the television, and tells his wife:

- Get me a beer before it starts!

The wife sighs and gets him a beer.

Ten minutes later, he says:

- Get me another beer before it starts!

She looks cross, but fetches another beer and slams it down next to him. He finishes that beer and a few minutes later says:

- Quick, get me another beer, it's going to start any minute!

The wife is furious. She yells at him:

- Is that all you're going to do tonight! Drink beer and sit in front of that TV! You're nothing but a lazy, drunken, fat slob, and furthermore...

The man sighs and says:

- It's started...