Worst jokes

There are two major products to come out of Berkeley: LSD and UNIX.

This is not believed to be a coincidence.

There are only two things to worry about: either you are well or you are sick.

If you are well, there is nothing to worry about; but if you are sick, there are two things to worry about: either you will get well, or you will die.

If you get well, there is nothing to worry about; if you die, there are only two things to worry about: either you will go to heaven or to hell.

If you go to heaven, there is nothing to worry about.

But, if you go to hell you'll be so darned busy shaking hands with friends you won't have time to worry...

An old hillbilly and his wife had never been more than 7 miles from their home in the East Tennesse Smokies. One day the man said to his wife:

- Honey, you know we're not getting any younger and I sure would like to take a vacation and stay in one of those fancy hotels in the city before I die.

That sounded good to her so they started scrimping and saving. Four years later they had enough for them and their never-married adult son to go and spend 5 nights in a very posh hotel in the big city. They all piled into the man's old pickup and headed out.

When they got to the hotel the man said to his wife:

- Mama, you just wait in the truck. Junior and I will go in and be sure this is the right place.

When they stepped into the lobby they both thought they had died and gone to heaven. There were indoor streams and water fountains, polished marble and gleaming brass everywhere. But the most amazing thing of all was the elevators. They stood there and watched the lights flash, the doors open and close and people getting on and off.

A stooped over little lady who was 90 if she was a day approached the elevators and pushed the "Up" arrow. The door opened and she got on. The door closed. The lights above the door flashed. They flashed some more and the door opened. The most stunning 24-year-old, green-eyed blonde you've ever seen stepped off and went into the lounge. The son looked at his dad.

The dad looked at his son for just a second and then said:

- Son, go git yer Ma.

Three young candidates for the priesthood are told by the Monsignor they have to pass one more test: The Celibacy Test.

The Monsignor leads them into a room, and tells them to undress, and a small bell is tied to each man's penis.

In comes a beautiful woman, wearing a sexy belly-dancer costume. She begins to dance sensually around the first candidate.
Ting-a-ling
"Oh, Patrick," says the Monsignor, "I am so disappointed in your lack of control. Go take a long, cold shower and pray about your carnal weakness." The candidate leaves.

The dancer continues, dancing around the second candidate, slowly peeling off her layers of veils. As the last veil drops:
Ting-a-ling
"Joseph, Joseph," sighs the Monsignor. "You too are unable to withstand your carnal desires. Go take a long, cold shower and pray for forgiveness."

The dancer continues, dancing naked in front of the final candidate. Nothing. She writhes up and down against his body. No response. Finally, exhausted, she quits.

"Michael, my son, I am truly proud of you," says the Monsignor. "Only you have the true strength of character needed to become a priest. Now, go and join your weaker brethren in the showers."
Ting-a-ling

When the end of the world arrives how will the media report it?

- USA Today: WE'RE DEAD

- The Wall Street Journal: DOW JONES PLUMMETS AS WORLD ENDS

- National Enquirer: O.J. AND NICOLE, TOGETHER AGAIN

- Playboy: GIRLS OF THE APOCALYPSE

- Microsoft Systems Journal: APPLE LOSES MARKET SHARE

- Victoria's Secret Catalog: OUR FINAL SALE

- Sports Illustrated: GAME OVER

- Wired: THE LAST NEW THING

- Rolling Stone: THE GRATEFUL DEAD REUNION TOUR

- Readers Digest: 'BYE

- Discover Magazine: HOW WILL THE EXTINCTION OF ALL LIFE AS WE KNOW IT AFFECT THE WAY WE VIEW THE COSMOS?

- TV Guide: DEATH AND DAMNATION: NIELSON RATINGS SOAR!

- Lady's Home Journal: LOSE 10 LBS BY JUDGEMENT DAY WITH OUR NEW "ARMAGEDDON" DIET!

- America Online: SYSTEM TEMPORARILY DOWN. TRY CALLING BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

- Inc. magazine: TEN WAYS YOU CAN PROFIT FROM THE APOCALYPSE

- Microsoft's Web Site: IF YOU DIDN'T EXPERIENCE THE RAPTURE, DOWNLOAD SOFTWARE PATCH RAPT777.EXE

He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

She caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.

The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.

McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.

From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.

Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze. Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.

Bob was as perplexed as a hacker who means to access T:flw.quid55328.com\aaakk/ch@ung but gets T:\flw.quidaaakk/ch@ung by mistake.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

Her date was pleasant enough, but she knew that if her life was a movie this guy would be buried in the credits as something like "Second Tall Man."

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the period after the Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.

John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

The red brick wall was the color of a brick-red Crayola crayon.

VERBS:

- to schmooze = befriend scum

- to pitch = grovel shamelessly

- to brainstorm = feign preparedness

- to research = procrastinate indefinitely

- to network = spread disinformation

- to collaborate = argue incessantly

- to freelance = collect unemployment

NOUNS:

- agent = frustrated lawyer

- lawyer = frustrated producer

- producer = frustrated writer

- writer = frustrated director

- director = frustrated actor

- actor = frustrated human

COMPOUND WORDS:

- high-concept = low brow

- production value = gore

- entry-level = pays nothing

- highly qualified = knows the producer

- network approved = had made them money

FINANCIAL TERMS:

- net = something that apparently doesn't exist

- gross = Michael Eisner's salary

- back-end = you, if you think you'll ever see it

- residuals = braces for the kids

- deferral = don't hold your breath

- points = see "net" or "back-end"

COMMON PHRASES:

- You can trust me = You must be new

- It needs some polishing = Change everything

- It shows promise = It stinks rotten

- It needs some fine tuning = Change everything

- I'd like some input = I want total control

- It needs some honing = Change everything

- Call me back next week = Stay out of my life

- It needs some tightening = Change everything

- Try and punch it up = I have no idea what I want

- It needs some streamlining = Change everything

- You'll never work in this town again = I have no power whatsoever

When driving through fog what should you use?
→ Your car!

Waiter to customer:

- Our specialty is snails.

- I know. One of them served me the last time I was here!

Never slap a man who chews tobacco.

There are many many more asses in the world than donkeys.

Wooden legs are not hereditary, wooden heads are.

Free cheese is always in a mouse trap.

An ugly carpet will last forever.