Worst jokes

World's Shortest Books

The World's Shortest Books

  1. "My Plan To Find The Real Killers" by O.J. Simpson
  2. "To All The Men I've Loved Before" by Ellen DeGeneres
  3. "The Book of Virtues" by Bill Clinton
  4. The Difference between Reality and Dilbert
  5. Human Rights Advances in China
  6. "Things I Wouldn't Do for Money" by Dennis Rodman
  7. Al Gore: The Wild Years
  8. Amelia Earhart's Guide to the Pacific Ocean
  9. America's Most Popular Lawyers
  10. Career Opportunities for Liberal Arts Majors
  11. Detroit - A Travel Guide
  12. Different Ways to Spell "Bob"
  13. Dr. Kevorkian's Collection of Motivational Speeches
  14. Easy UNIX
  15. Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance
  16. Everything Men Know About Women
  17. Everything Women Know About Men
  18. French Hospitality
  19. George Foreman's Big Book of Baby Names
  20. "How to Sustain a Musical Career" by Art Garfunkel
  21. Mike Tyson's Guide to Dating Etiquette
  22. Spotted Owl Recipes by the EPA
  23. Staple Your Way to Success
  24. The Amish Phone Directory
  25. The Engineer's Guide to Fashion

Don't Tell A Pregnant Wife

Top 17 fatal things to say if your wife is pregnant:

  1. "I finished the Oreos."
  2. "Not to imply anything, but I don't think the kid weighs 40 pounds."
  3. "Y'know, looking at her, you'd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby..!!"
  4. "I sure hope your thighs aren't gonna stay that flabby forever!"
  5. "Well, couldn't they induce labor ? The 25th is the Super Bowl."
  6. "Darned if you ain't about five pounds away from a surprise visit from that Richard Simmons fella."
  7. "Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, that's gotta hurt."
  8. "Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!"
  9. "I'm jealous! Why can't men experience the joy of childbirth?"
  10. "Are your ankles supposed to look like that?"
  11. "Get your own ice cream."
  12. "Geez, you're awfully puffy looking today."
  13. "Got milk ?"
  14. "Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Tawney."
  15. "Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!"
  16. "Retaining water ? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water..."

And the Number 1 Fatal Thing To Say If Your Wife Is Pregnant:

  1. "You don't have the guts to pull that trigger..."

Life Reflections

- Personally, I think that people who say they wish they had their lives to live over again, probably shouldn't anyway.

- Wonder why it is that people who can make fools out of themselves are such excellent craftsmen.

- People who say they've learned from their mistakes should have studied more for the test in the first place.

- As I reflect upon on my past, the thing I regret the most... is its length.

- The way some people find fault with every damn thing in life, you'd think there was a reward.

- Even as I age, I still consider myself a "go-getter"... of course now, I have to make two trips.

- Trust me, when humans were created, I believe there was a very good reason why the body was configured so that ya cannot pat yourself on the back.

Glad I'm A Man

I'M GLAD I'M A MAN

I'm glad I'm a man, you better believe.
I don't live off of yogurt, diet coke, or cottage cheese.
I don't bitch to my girlfriends about the size of my breasts.
I can get where I want to - north, south, east or west.

I don't get wasted after only 2 beers,
And when I do drink I don't end up in tears.
I won't spend hours deciding what to wear.
I spend 5 minutes max fixing my hair.
And I don't go around checking my reflection
in everything shiny from every direction.
I don't whine in public and make us leave early,
And when you ask why get all bitter and surly.

I'm glad I'm a man, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have to sit around waiting for that ring.
I don't gossip about friends or stab them in the back.
I don't carry our differences into the sack.
I'll never go psycho and threaten to kill you
Or think every guy out there's trying to steal you.
I'm rational, reasonable, and logical too.
I know what the time is and I know what to do.
And I honestly think its a privilege for me
to have these two balls and stand when I pee.
I live to watch sports and play all sorts of ball.
It's more fun than dealing with women after all.
I won't cry if you say it's not going to work.
I won't remain bitter and call you a jerk.
Feel free to use me for immediate pleasure.
I won't assume it's permanent by any measure.

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a man, you see.
I'm glad I'm not capable of child delivery.
I don't get all bitchy every 28 days.
I'm glad that my gender gets me a much bigger raise.
I'm a man by chance and I'm thankful it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a man and not a woman like you!

Glad I'm A Woman

I'M GLAD I'M A WOMAN

I'm glad I'm a woman, yes I am, yes I am.
I don't live off of Budweiser, Beer Nuts and Spam.
I don't brag to my buddies about my erections.
I won't drive to Hell before I ask for directions.
I don't get wasted at parties, and act like a clown.
And I know how to put that damned toilet seat down!
I won't grab your hooters, I won't pinch your butt.
My belt buckle's not hidden beneath my beer gut.
And I don't go around "re-adjusting" my crotch,
or yell like Tarzan when my headboard gets a notch.
I don't belch in public, I don't scratch my behind.
I'm a woman you see-I'm just not that kind!

I'm glad I'm a woman, I'm so glad I could sing.
I don't have body hair like shag carpeting.
It doesn't grow from my ears or cover my back.
When I lean over you can't see 3 inches of crack.
And what's on my head doesn't leave with my comb.
I'll never buy a toupee to cover my dome.
Or have a few hairs pulled from over the side.
I'm a woman, you know-I've got far too much pride!
And I honestly think its a privilege for me,
to have these two boobs and squat when I pee.
I don't live to play golf and shoot basketball.
I don't swagger and spit like a Neanderthal.
I won't tell you my wife just does not understand,
Or stick my hand in my pocket to hide that gold band.
Or tell you a story to make you sigh and weep,
Then screw you, roll over and fall sound asleep!

Yes, I'm so very glad I'm a woman, you see.
Forget all about that old penis envy.
I don't long for male bonding, I don't cruise for a chick.
Join the Hair Club For Men, or think with my dick.
I'm a woman by chance and I'm thankful, it's true.
I'm so glad I'm a woman and not a man like you!

An Angel Wrote

An angel wrote:
Many people will walk in and out of your life, but only true friends will leave footprints in your heart.

To handle yourself, use your head; To handle others, use your heart.

Anger is only one letter short of danger.

If someone betrays you once, it's his fault; if he betrays you twice, it's your fault.

Great minds discuss ideas; Average minds discuss events; Small minds discuss people.

God gives every bird it's food, But He does not throw it into it's nest.

He who loses money, loses much; He who loses a friend, loses more; He who loses faith, loses all.

Beautiful young people are acts of nature, But beautiful old people are works of art.

Learn from the mistakes of others. You can't live long enough to make them all yourself.

The tongue weighs practically nothing, but so few people can hold it.

Idiots Of Society

Here are some people who should not be allowed to venture into society:

Police in Wichita, Kansas, arrested a 22-year-old man at an airport hotel after he tried to pass two (counterfeit) $16 bills.

A man in Johannesberg, South Africa, shot his 49-year-old friend in the face, seriously wounding him, while the two practiced shooting beer cans off each other's head.

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film's depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. Thirteen others fainted, and one man required seven stitches after he cut his head falling off a chair while watching the film.

The Chico, California, City Council enacted a ban on nuclear weapons, setting a $500 fine for anyone detonating one within city limits.

A bus carrying five passengers was hit by a car in St. Louis, but by the time police arrived on the scene, fourteen pedestrians had boarded the bus and had begun to complain of whiplash injuries and back pain.

Swedish business consultant Ulf af Trolle labored 13 years on a book about Swedish economic solutions. He took the 250-page manuscript to be copied, only to have it reduced to 50,000 strips of paper in seconds when a worker confused the copier with the shredder.

A convict broke out of jail in Washington D.C., then a few days later accompanied his girlfriend to her trial for robbery. At lunch, he went out for a sandwich. She needed to see him, and thus had him paged over the courthouse intercom. Police officers recognized his name and arrested him as he returned to the courthouse in a car he had stolen over the lunch hour.

Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth.

Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

When two service station attendants in Ionia, Michigan, refused to hand over the cash to an intoxicated robber, the man threatened to call the police. They still refused, so the robber called the police and was arrested.

A Los Angeles man who later said he was "tired of walking," stole a steamroller and led police on a 5 mph chase until an officer stepped aboard and brought the vehicle to a stop.

Fourth Grade Proverbs

Proverbs as finished by a fourth grade class:

It is always darkest...
→ Just before you flunk a test.

There is nothing new...under a rock.

A journey of a thousand miles begins with...a private jet.

A committee of three...gets things done when they are not fighting.

If you can't stand the heat...try Antarctica.

Better late than...absent.

A rolling stone...may dent the floor.

If at first you don't succeed...live with it.

Laugh, and the world laughs with you. Cry...and then blow your nose.

A bird in the hand is....better than a woodpecker on your head.

Early to bed, early to rise...and you will get the best cereal.

Two heads...are pretty scary.

It is better to light a candle than...to light a bomb.

A miss is as good as...a mister.

A penny saved...is not a lot.

Don't burn your bridges...or you'll fall in the lake.

Haste makes...sweat

Death Threat In The Snow

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees "The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty ticked off. He storms into his security staff's HQ, and yells:

- Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front lawn! And they wrote it in urine! The guy had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!

The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly at the floor. Bill hollers:

- Well, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I want it TONIGHT!

The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer approaches him and says:

- Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some REALLY bad news. Which do you want first?

Clinton says:

- Give me the bad news first.

The officer says:

- Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine.

Clinton says:

- I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice president!... Well, what's the REALLY bad news?

The officer replies:

- Well, it's Hillary's handwriting.