Worst jokes

1. Your mattress has turned into a giant sponge.
2. It takes five minutes to unknot your bodies.
3. An earthquake of 3.4 on the Richter Scale is recorded in your area.
4. The cat's exhausted from just watching you.
5. A trampoline company has to come to adjust your bed springs.
6. You've both gone down one clothing size.
7. You cancel your chiropractic appointment. There's nothing left to adjust.
8. You have to breathe into a brown paper bag.
9. Boy, are you hungry!
10. You're absolutely satisfied yet uncontrollably horny at the same time.

A little kid walks into a city bus and sits right behind the driver and starts yelling, "If my dad was a bull and my mom a cow I'd be a little bull." The driver starts getting mad at the noisy kid, who continues with, "If my dad was an elephant and my mom a girl elephant I would be a little elephant." The kid goes on with several animals until the bus driver gets angry and yells at the kid, "What if your dad was gay and your mom was a prostitute?!" The kid smiles and says, "I would be a bus driver!"

A farmer sent his 15 year old son to town and, as a birthday present, handed him a duck.

- See if you can get a girl in exchange for this - he said.

In town, the lad met a prostitute and said:

- It's my birthday and all I've got is this duck. Would you be willing to...

- Sure - she said.

- I'm sentimental about birthdays. And besides, I've never owned a duck.

Afterwards, she said:

- Do you know, for a 15 year old, you're quite a lay. If you do it again, I'll give you back your duck.

- Sure - said the boy.

When his pleasurable work was through, the lad started on his way home. While he was crossing the main street in the village, the duck suddenly flew out of his hands and was hit by a passing beer truck. The driver of the truck felt sorry for the boy and gave him $2.

When the lad returned home, his father asked:

- Well, how did you make out?

His son replied:

- Heck, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, and two bucks for a fucked-up duck!

Here is this guy who really takes care of his body he lifts weights and jogs five miles every day. One morning, he looks into the mirror and admires his body. He notices that he is really sun tanned all over except one part and he decides to do something about it. He goes to the beach, completely undresses and buries himself in the sand except for the one part sticking out.

Two little old ladies are strolling along the beach and one looks down and says:

- There really is no justice in this world.

The other little old lady says:

- What do you mean?

The first little old lady says:

- Look at that.

- When I was 10 years old, I was afraid of it.

- When I was 20 years old, I was curious about it.

- When I was 30 years old, I enjoyed it.

- When I was 40 years old, I asked for it.

- When I was 50 years old, I paid for it.

- When I was 60 years old, I prayed for it.

- When I was 70 years old, I forgot about it.

- And now that I'm 80, the damned things are growing wild!!

- Little boy: Mummy is God a girl or a boy?

- Mummy: Why God is both girl and boy

- Little boy: Mummy is God black or white?

- Mummy: Why God is both black and white

- Little boy: Mummy is God gay or strait?

- Mummy: Why God is both gay and strait

- Little boy: Mummy is God Michael Jackson?

An Irish couple, whose married bliss was not without a few "squalls" received a humble lecture from their priest regarding their disgraceful quarrels.

- Why, that dog and cat you have agree better than you.

- If yer reverence'll tie them together, ye'll soon change yer mind.

Mrs. Dugan and Mrs. Riley were talking one day about Mr. Riley and his constant drinking. Mrs. Dugan said:

- I have an idea about how to stop him from spending so much time at the pub. Every night he comes home through the cemetery. One night you should get disguised and spook him when he comes staggering through.

So Mrs. Riley waited in the cemetery one night until she heard her husband coming. She jumped up and a startled Riley said:

- Who are you??

Mrs. Riley replied:

- I am the devil!

With that, Riley shook her hand and said:

- Glad to meet ya, I'm married to your sister.

Casey married a rich widow, but they didn't get along. One day she said to him, "If it wasn't for my money, that new television wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, that grand piano wouldn't be here. If it wasn't for my money, this house wouldn't be here." Casey mumbled, "If it wasn't for your money, I wouldn't be here."

In West Kerry, the wife commented, "When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. You don't love me any more...." "Nonsense, darling," replied the husband, "you cook better now."

In hearing an Irish case of assault and battery, counsel, in cross examining one of the witnesses, asked him what they had the first place they stopped at. "Four glasses of ale," was the reply. "Next?" "Two glasses of whiskey." "Next?" "One glass of brandy." "Next?" "A fight."