Worst jokes

It was a stifling hot day and a man fainted in the middle of a busy intersection. Traffic quickly piled up in all directions, so a woman rushed to help him. When she knelt down to loosen his collar, a man emerged from the crowd, pushed her aside, and said, "It's all right honey, I've had a course in first aid." The woman stood up and watched as he took the ill man's pulse and prepared to administer artificial respiration. At this point she tapped him on the shoulder and said, "When you get to the part about calling a doctor, I'm already here."

A man hasn't been feling well, so he goes to his doctor for a complete checkup. Afterward the doctor comes out with the results.

- I'm afraid I have some very bad news. You're dying, and you don't have much time left.

- Oh, that's terrible! How long have I got?

- Ten.

- Ten? Ten what? Months? Weeks? What?!

- Nine...

While making his rounds, a doctor points out an x-ray to a group of medical students.

- As you can see - he says:

- the patient limps because his left fibula and tibia are radically arched.

The doctor turns to one of the students and asks:

- What would you do in a case like this?

- Well - ponders the student:

- I suppose I'd limp, too.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.
Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
The skin was moist and dry.
Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.
She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.
Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.
The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.
I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.
Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.
Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
She is numb from her toes down.
Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.
While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.
Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.
Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.
Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.
Patient was alert and unresponsive.
When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

With the help of a fertility specialist, a 65 year old woman has a baby. All her relatives come to visit and meet the newest member of their family. When they ask to see the baby, the 65 year old mother says "not yet." A little later they ask to see the baby again. Again the mother says "not yet." Finally they say, "When can we see the baby?" And the mother says, "When the baby cries." And they ask, "Why do we have to wait until the baby cries?" The new mother says, "because I forgot where I put it."

• All marriages are happy--it's the living together afterward that causes all the problems.
• Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins? He baptized one and kept the other as a control.
• Disclaimer: Even my wife doesn't agree with everything I say, and she loves me dearly. My employers don't love me nearly as much as she does. Draw your own conclusions.
• It was very good of God to let Carlyle and Mrs Carlyle marry one another and so make only two people miserable instead of four, besides being very amusing.
• May you be blessed with a wife so healthy and strong, she can pull the plow when your horse drops dead.
• May you learn to perform miracles: earn a living and marry off your daughters.
• May your daughters marry men of substance: gypsies with two bears.
• Sign in a marriage counselor's window: "Out to lunch - Think it over."
• The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage. There is no realizable power that man cannot, in time, fashion the tools to attain, nor any power so secure that the naked ape will not abuse it. So it is written in the genetic cards - only physics and war hold him in check. And the wife who wants him home by five, of course. -- Encyclopaedia Apocryphia

A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

- Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied:

- First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled:

- Um ... no.

The lawyer interrupts:

- or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

- or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident - the lawyer's voice rising in indignation:

- leaving her penniless with three children?!

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply:

- I had no idea...

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again:

- So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?

This long line of people are queueing up to get served in a shop. Suddenly one bloke starts massaging the person in front's back. The other bloke immediately turns round and says to him:

- What the hell do you think you're doing?

The bloke behind tells him:

- Well, I'm a chiropractor and I can't help myself. I can't help practicing my art.

- Are you crazy? - says the bloke in front:

- I'm a lawyer, but do you see me f**king the bloke in front of me?

Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. He opened his new law office, but business was very slow at first.

One day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking..

"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million.."

"Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support.."

"Okay. Tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.."

This sort of thing went on for almost 5 minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.

"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?"

The man replied:

- I'm from the phone company.. I came to hook up your phone.

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he passed a room where a lawyer was having an intimate encounter with a beautiful young woman.

- What a ripoff - the man muttered.

- I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman.

Jabbing the man with his pitchfork, the escorting demon snarled:

- Who are you to question that woman's punishment?