Worst jokes

How do you make a blonde go crazy?
→ Place them in a round room, and tell them to stand in the corner!

At a radiator shop (A-1 Radiator): "Best Place in Town to take a Leak"

Sign over a gynecologist's office: "Dr. Jones, at your cervix."

On a Plumbers truck: "We repair what your husband tried to fix."

On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."

Pizza shop slogan: "7 days without pizza makes one weak."

At a tire shop in Milwaukee: "Invite us to your next blowout"

Door of a plastic surgeon's office: "Hello. Can we pick your nose or would you rather do it"

At a laundry shop: "How about we refund your money, send you a new one at no charge, close the store and have the manager shot. Would that be satisfactory?"

At a towing company: "We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."

On an electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."

In a non-smoking area: "If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

On a maternity room door: "Push. Push. Push."

At an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

On a taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."

In a podiatrist's office: "Time wounds all heels."

On a fence: "Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."

At a car dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet -- miss a car payment."

Outside a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

In a veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"

At the electric company: "We would be de-lighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."

- I will not carve gods.

- I will not spank others.

- I will not aim for the head.

- I will not barf unless I'm sick.

- I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.

- I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.

- I will not conduct my own fire drills.

- Funny noises are not funny.

- I will not snap bras.

- I will not fake seizures.

- This punishment is not boring and pointless.

- My name is not Dr. Death.

- I will not defame New Orleans.

- I will not prescribe medication.

- I will not bury the new kid.

- I will not teach others to fly.

- I will not bring sheep to class.

- A burp is not an answer.

- Teacher is not a leper.

- Coffee is not for kids.

- I will not eat things for money.

- I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.

- The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.

- I will not call the principal "spud head".

- Goldfish don't bounce.

- Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.

- No one is interested in my underpants.

- I will not sell miracle cures.

- I will return the seeing-eye dog.

- I do not have diplomatic immunity.

- I will not charge admission to the bathroom.

- I will never win an emmy.

- The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.

- All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.

- I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.

- I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.

- My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.

- I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.

- I am not deliciously saucy.

- Organ transplants are best left to professionals.

- The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".

- I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.

- There are plenty of businesses like show business.

- Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.

- I will not waste chalk.

- I will not skateboard in the halls.

- I will not instigate revolution.

- I will not draw naked ladies in class.

- I did not see Elvis.

- I will not call my teacher "Hot Cakes".

- Garlic gum is not funny.

- They are laughing at me, not with me.

- I will not yell "Fire" in a crowded classroom.

- I will not encourage others to fly.

- I will not fake my way through life.

- Tar is not a plaything.

- I will not Xerox my butt.

- It's potato, not potatoe.

- I will not trade pants with others.

- I am not a 32 year old woman.

- I will not do that thing with my tongue.

- I will not drive the principal's car.

- I will not pledge allegiance to Bart.

- I will not sell school property.

- I will not burp in class.

- I will not cut corners.

- I will not get very far with this attitude.

- I will not belch the National Anthem.

- I will not sell land in Florida.

- I will not grease the monkey bars.

- I will not hide behind the Fifth Amendment.

- I will not do anything bad ever again.

- I will not show off.

- I will not sleep through my education.

- I am not a dentist.

- Spitwads are not free speech.

- Nobody likes sunburn slappers.

- High explosives and school don't mix.

- I will not bribe Principal Skinner.

- I will not squeak chalk.

- I will finish what I sta

- "Bart Bucks" are not legal tender.

- Underwear should be worn on the inside.

- The Christmas Pageant does not stink.

- I will not torment the emotionally frail.

Joe says to Bill:

- Want to see a picture of my Aunt?

Bill said:

- Sure.

So Joe takes out a picture.

Bill says:

- What are you talking about? Thats not your aunt! Thats a picture of a fish!

Joe says:

- Well sure it is... It's my aunt Chovy!

A duck walks into a bar, sits down at the barstool, and waits for the bartender. The bartender walks up, hands the duck a menu, waits a while, and comes back to take his order:

- What'll it be? - the bartender says.

The duck says, "I think I'll have the grapes." "Well, I'm sorry sir, but this is a bar, we don't serve grapes here. Now, I'll let you look a bit longer and wave when you know what you want." The duck looks at the menu, then waves the bartender down. "Ok, you got your order?" The duck nods, saying, "I'll think I'll have the grapes." The bartender, kind of peeved from the duck, says, "Look Mac, we don't have any grapes here. This is a bar. We don't serve grapes, so what will you have?!" The duck looks at him in the eyes and says:

- I'll have the grapes.

The bartender, enraged, shouts, "If you ask for the grapes one more time I'm going to nail your feathered a** to the barstool!!" The bartender cools off a bit. "Now what will you get?!" "Got any nails?" "OF COURSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY NAILS! WHAT DO YOU THINK THIS IS? AN APPLIANCE STORE?" "Good, got any grapes?"

A frog walks into a bank and says:

- I wanna loan.

- Well Mr. frog, go over there to Mrs. Black's desk, she is the loan manager, I'm sure she will be happy to talk to you - The head desk says.

The frog hops over to Mrs. Patty Black's desk and says, "I wanna loan." Mrs. Black says, "Well Mr. Frog, we will have to get some paperwork for you to sign, so if you will wait right here..." At this point the frog pulls out of his knapsack a golden disk and hands it over to her. She asks, confused, "What is this?" The frog croaks back, "I wanna loan."

She rubs her head, and walks back to her boss and says:

- I don't get it, a frog hops in here wanting a loan, and gives me this golden disk. Do you know what it is?

The boss laughs and says:

- It's a knick-knack Patty Black, give the frog a loan!

A new jail warden was being shown through the jailhouse by the old warden. Soon, after making rounds around the rest of the jail, they get to the cafeteria. In one corner, he sees a group of elderly men laughing hysterically. Interested, he watches them while the older warden gets his food. One of the men shouts out "63!" and the entire table bursts out laughing. The new warden is totally baffled by the behavior of them. "74!", again a chorus of guffaws ring out. The old warden comes back to the table where the new warden sits staring, and the new warden asks "What are those elderly men doing." The old warden smirks, and says, "Oh, those are the life timers. They've been in here so long, they just number their jokes."

Meanwhile another one calls out "2!". Nobody laughs. The new warden leans over and asks, "What happened?" To this the warden replied, "Oh, he blew the delivery."

A Baptist preacher and a catholic preacher are driving out on a road. The catholic preacher sees a cat in the middle of the road, and slams on his brakes. The cat is avoided, but the Baptist preacher hits the back of the catholic preacher. They step out of their cars, and begin talking.

- Oh, I am so sorry, that was my fault - says the Baptist preacher.

While waiting for the cops after they called by cell phone, the preachers soon start talking about their professions to pass the time.

- You know, I never understood why catholic preachers don't drink wine to represent Christ's blood.

The catholic preacher responds:

- Well, we believe that drinking wine is wrong, and just use grape juice instead.

- I have a bottle of wine in my glove compartment right now. Tell you what, let's drink a little right now while waiting for the cops.

"Oh, no I couldn't," replies the catholic, but after pressuring him, the catholic preacher soon agrees. The Baptist preacher takes out the wine and a couple of Dixie cups, and pours a little into each. The catholic preacher drinks it down quickly.

"That wasn't that bad, you're right," the catholic preacher says. Noticing the baptist hasn't drank his wine, he asks, "Aren't you going to have some?"

- Oh sure - the other replies - I'll wait until after the cops come though.

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said:

- I wish you could talk.

The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

- Well, did you see this?

- Yes - motioned the monkey.

- What happened?

The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

- They were drinking? - asked the officer.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What else?

The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

- They were smoking marijuana?

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What else?

The monkey motioned:

- kissing.

- They were kissing, too? - asked the astounded officer.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- Now wait, you're saying your owners were drinking, smoking and kissing before they wrecked.

The monkey shakes his head:

- Yes.

- What were you doing during all this?

- Driving - motioned the monkey.

What is the difference between a paycheque and a penis?
→ You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheque!