Worst jokes

Once Upon A Time, there was a married woman, and she was not happy about her sex life, so she goes to see her doctor about it.

Her doctor gives her some pills and tells her to put one in her husband's glass of water before going to sleep and then HAVE FUN.

The woman comes back home and tries it the first night. She puts one pill in her husband's glass of water. And that night they have sex.

The next night, the woman was happy but not quite content yet, decides to use two pills. That night their love making was even better then the night before.

So the third night she decided that if two pills was great, then she would put all the pills in the glass of water.

A week later, the doctor calls her house and asks:

- Hello, how's the whole family doing??

The son, who answered the phone, answers:

- Well, my Mom's dead, my Sister's pregnant, My ass hurts and my Dad is running around naked outside screaming, 'Here KITTY KITTY'.

So there is this guy named Bubba who lives in the South who is totally racist. He hates everyone of ethnic background so much that when ever he sees anyone of color walking down the street he runs them over with his truck.

One day Bubba's wife invites the town preacher over for dinner and Bubba has to pick the preacher up and drive him to Bubba's house. Sure enough there is a black guy walking on the side of the road hitch hiking.

Bubba cannot control his urge to hit the guy so he thinks to himself:

- If I pretend to pass out I can swerve over and hit the guy and the preacher will be none the wiser.

So Bubba pretends to pass out and swerves over, after he hears a thump he pretends to wake up. He says to the preacher:

- Please tell me I didn't hit that hitchhiker.

The preacher turns to Bubba and says:

- No son, but I got him with the door.

Things you don't want to hear during surgery:

1. Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy.
2. Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop
3. "Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
4. Spot! Spot! Comeback with that! Bad Dog!
5. Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?
6. Hand me that... uh... that uh... thingie.
7. Oh no! I just lost my Rolex.
8. Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?
9. Damn, there go the lights again...
10. "Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of 'em.
11. Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lens!
12. Could you stop that thing from beating; it's throwing my concentration off.
13. Anyone see where I left that scalpel?
14. I hope his family won't miss him
15. And now we remove the subject's brain and place it in the body of the ape.
16. Damn! Page 47 of the manual is missing!
17. Nurse, did this patient sign the organs donation card?
18. Don't worry. I think it is sharp enough.
19. FIRE! FIRE! Everyone get out!.

Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?
→ Ask your Mom.

What is the quickest way to clear out a men's rest room?
→ Say, "Nice dick."

What do you get when you cross Billy Ray Cyrus and a yeast infection?
→ An itchy, twitchy twat.

Are birth control pills deductible?
→ Only if they don't work.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?
→ If we don't get some support soon, people are going to think we're nuts!

Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love?
→ Because they have cotton balls.

Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have?
→ Palm Sunday

What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate?
→ Miracle Whip.

1. On July 8, 1947, witnesses claim a spaceship with five aliens aboard crashed on a sheep-and-cattle ranch outside Roswell, NM, an incident they say has been covered up by the military. On March 31, 1948, exactly nine months after that day, Al Gore was born. That clears up a lot of things.
2. What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
3. I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned on me -- they were cramming for their finals!
4. If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?
5. If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
6. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, so I wonder what Chinese mothers use. Toothpicks?
7. Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she joined an ugly contest, they said "Sorry, no professionals"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, just after she was born, her mother said, "What a treasure!" and her father said, "Yeah! Let's go bury it!"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, they push her face into dough to make gorilla cookies.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she was born, the doctor slapped the wrong end.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, they didn't make a costume for her when she tried out for Star Wars.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, when she walks down the street in September, people say, "Damn! Is it Halloween already?"

- Yo Mama's so ugly, the govt. moved Halloween to her birthday.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, her mom had to feed her with a sling shot.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, she had to trick-or-treat over the phone.

- Yo Mama's so ugly, two guys broke into her apt., she yelled "rape", they yelled "NO!"

- Yo mama's so ugly, she's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they run for the border.

- Yo mama's so ugly, it looks like her neck threw up.

- Yo mama's so ugly, rice crispies won't even talk to her.

- Yo mama's so ugly, she scares people even with the lights out.

- Yo mama's so ugly, they pay her to put her clothes on in strip joints.

- Yo mama's so ugly, when your dad wants to have sex in the car, he tells her to get out.

- Yo mama's so ugly, that your father takes her to work with him so that he doesn't have to kiss her goodbye.

- Yo mama's so ugly, I took her to the zoo, guy at the door said "Thanks for bringing her back."

An old man gets on a crowded bus and no one gives him a seat.

As the bus shakes and rattles, the old man's cane slips on the floor and he falls down.

As he gets up, a seven-year-old kid, sitting nearby, turns to him and says:

- If you put a little rubber thingy on the end of your stick, it wouldn't slip.

The old man snaps back:

- Well, if your daddy did the same thing seven years ago, I would have a seat today!

There were three guys, a Torontonian, an American and a Newfoundlander. They were all going to be executed.

The executioner said that since all three were to be executed that night that they would each get to choose the method by which they would die. The choices were: lethal injection, electric chair or by hanging.

The American was afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he chose the electric chair. He sat in the chair and when they pulled the switch and nothing happened. The executioner said that if this happened a second time that he could go free. They tried a second time and again nothing happened so they set him free.

The Torontonian was also afraid of needles and didn't want to be hanged so he too chose the electric chair. Once again, the chair didn't work and he was free.

Next it was the Newfies turn. He said:

- I'm afraid of needles and the electric chair won't work so I pick hanging.

A lawyer got married to a woman who had previously been married 12 times. On their wedding night, they settled into the bridal suite at their hotel and the bride said to her new groom:

- Please, promise to be gentle. I am still a virgin.

This puzzled the groom, since after 12 marriages, he thought that at least one of her husbands would have been able to perform. He asked his new bride to explain the phenomenon.

She responded:

My first husband was a Sales Representative who spent our entire marriage telling me, in grandiose terms, 'It's gonna be great!'

My second husband was from Software Services; he was never quite sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he would send me documentation.

My third husband was from Field Services and constantly said that everything was diagnostically OK, but he just couldn't get the system up.

My fourth husband was from Educational Services, and he simply said, Those who can, do; those who can't, teach.

My fifth husband was from the Telemarketing Department and said that he had the orders, but he wasn't quite sure when he was going to be able to deliver.

My sixth husband was an Engineer. He told me that he understood the basic process but needed three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

My seventh husband was from Finance and Administration. His comments were that he knew how, but he just wasn't sure whether it was his job.

My eighth husband was from Standards and Regulations and told me that he was up to the standards but that regulations said nothing about how to do it.

My ninth husband was a Marketing Manager. He said, 'I know I have the product. I'm just not sure how to position it.'

My tenth husband was a psychiatrist, and all he ever wanted to do was talk about it.

My eleventh husband was a gynecologist, and all he ever wanted to do was look at it.

My twelfth husband was a stamp collector, and all he ever wanted to do was -- God I miss him!

So now I have married a lawyer, so I know I'm going to get screwed!

Dear Ann:

I am facing a very serious problem. You see, I am a Vietnam-era deserter from the U. S. Marines, and I have a cousin who works for Microsoft. My mother peddles Nazi literature to Girl Scouts and my father (a former dentist) is in jail for 30 years for raping most of his patients while they were under anesthesia.

The sole supports of our large family, including myself and my $500-a-week heroin habit, are my uncle (master pick-pocket, Benny "The Fingers"), my 70-year-old aunt Hester (a shoplifter), and my two kid sisters, who are well-known streetwalkers.

My problem is this: I have just gotten engaged to the most beautiful, sweetest girl in the world. She is just sweet sixteen, and we are going to marry as soon as she can escape from reform school.

To support ourselves, we are going to move to Mexico and start a fake Aztec souvenir factory staffed by child labor. We look forward to bringing our kids into the family business.

But I am worried that my family will not make a good impression on hers. In your opinion, Should I, or shouldn't I, tell her about my cousin who works for Microsoft?