Worst jokes

Bill gates has been in a car accident. He finds himself in purgatory, being sized up by St. Peter.

- Well, Bill, I'm really confused on this call. I'm not sure where to send you. After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in America, yet you also created that ghastly Windows '95. I'm going to do something I've never done before. In your case, I'm going to let you decide whether you want to go to Heaven or Hell.

Bill replied:

- Well, what's the difference between the two?

St. Peter:

- I'm willing to let you visit both places briefly, if it will help your decision.

Bill:

- Fine, but where should I go first?

St. Peter:

- I'll leave that up to you.

"Okay then," said Bill, "Let's try Hell first."

So Bill went to Hell. It was a beautiful, clean, sandy beach with clear waters and lots of bikini-clad women running around, playing in the water, laughing, and frolicking about. The sun was shining, the temperature was perfect. Bill was very pleased.

"This is great!" he told St. Peter. "If this is hell, I really want to see heaven!"

"Fine," said St. Peter, and off they went.

Heaven was a place high in the clouds, with angels drifting about, playing harps and singing. It was nice, but not as enticing as Hell. Bill thought for a minute, and rendered his decision.

"Hmmm. I think I'd prefer Hell," he told St. Peter.

"Fine," retorted St. Peter, "as you desire." So Bill Gates went to Hell.

Two weeks later, St. Peter decided to check on the late billionaire to see how he was doing in Hell. When he got there, he found Bill, shackled to a wall, screaming amongst hot flames in dark caves, being burned and tortured by demons. "How's everything going?" he asked Bill.

Bill responded, with his voice filled with anguish and disappointment, "This is awful! This is nothing like the Hell I visited two weeks ago! I can't believe this is happening! What happened to that other place, with the beautiful beaches, the scantily-clad women playing in the water?"

"That was a demo," replied St. Peter.

Tech Support hotlines are not easy work, you get calls from all sorts of idiotic users that apparently can't read a manual, or lack common sense. Here is a transcript of just one such case:

- Caller: Hello is this Packard Bell Tech support?

- Tech: Yes how can I help you?

- Caller: The cup holder on front of my computer broke off and it is still under warranty, how do I go about getting it fixed?

- Tech: Excuse, you've stumped me. How did you get this cup holder, was it part of some promotion?

- Caller: It came with the computer, I don't know of any promotion.

- Tech: Does it have any markings on it, any names, any symbols?

- Caller: Yes, it says 4X!

Top 10 reasons computers must be male:

1. They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
2. A better model is always just around the corner.
3. They look nice and shiny until you bring them home.
4. It is always necessary to have a backup.
5. They'll do whatever you say if you push the right buttons.
6. Big power surges knock them out for the night.
7. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
8. The lights are on but nobody's home.
9. The best part of having either one is the games you can play.
10. Size does matter.

A Programmer and an Engineer were sitting next to each other on an airplane. The Programmer leans over to the Engineer and asks if he wants to play a fun game. The Engineer just wants to sleep so he politely declines, turns away and tries to sleep.

The Programmer persists and explains that it's a real easy game. He explains:

- I ask a question and if you don't know the answer you pay me $5. Then you ask a question and if I don't know the answer I'll pay you $5.

Again the Engineer politely declines and tries to sleep.

The Programmer, now somewhat agitated, says:

- O.K., if you don't know the answer you pay me $5 and if I don't know the answer I pay you $50!

Now, that got the Engineer's attention, so he agrees to the game. The Programmer asks the first question:

- What's the distance from the earth to the moon?

Then Engineer doesn't say a word and just hands the Programmer $5.

Now, its the Engineer's turn. He asks the Programmer:

- What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down on four?

The Programmer looks at him with a puzzled look, takes out his laptop computer, looks through all his references and after about an hour wakes the Engineer and hands the Engineer $50. The Engineer politely takes the $50 turns away and tries to return to sleep.

The Programmer, a little miffed, asks:

- Well what's the answer to the question?

Without a word, the Engineer reaches into his wallet, hands $5 to the Programmer, turns away and returns to sleep.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU PICKED THE WRONG INTERNET SERVICE PROVIDER

1. Their company logo: two tin cans and a length of string.
2. You check out their address, and it's a phone booth containing a Compaq portable and an acoustic coupler.
3. Their chief technical officer lives in a 10-foot-by-7-foot shack in the woods.
4. Their proud boast:

- We've been on the Internet since it was CB radio.

5. Their promo materials use the words "information" and "superhighway" in the same sentence.
6. You order an SLIP/PPP connection, email, and 2MB of server space for your personal Web site, and the voice on the other end of the phone asks:

- Would you like fries with that?

7. "As seen in Better Business Bureau special reports."
8. "Access speeds up to 9,600 BPS in most areas."
9. They hawk both domain names and Rolexes on street corners.
10. They charge by the word.

John Bobbit Virus--Removes a vital part of your hard disk and then re-attaches it. (But it will never work again.)

Oprah Winfrey Virus--Your 850 MB hard drive suddenly shrinks to 200 MB, and then slowly expands back to 850 MB.

Politically Correct Virus--Never calls itself a "virus", but instead refers to itself as an "electronic micro-organism".

Right to Life Virus--Won't allow you to delete a file, regardless of how old it is. If you attempt to erase a file, it requires you to first see a counselor about possible alternatives.

Government Economist Virus--Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.

Federal Bureaucrat Virus--Divides your hard disk into thousands of little units, each of which does practically nothing, but all of which claim to be the most important part of your computer.

AT&T Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you what great service you are getting.

MCI Virus-- Every 3 minutes it reminds you that you are paying too much for the AT&T Virus.

Sprint Virus--Every 3 minutes it tells you that it's better than the AT&T and MCI Virus.

PBS Virus--Your computer stops every few minutes to ask for money.

Health Care Virus--Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong with it, and sends you a bill for $4,500.

New York Jets Virus--Makes your Pentium II 266 MHz computer perform like a 12 MHz 286 computer.

LAPD Virus--It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in "self-defense".

O.J. Virus--Claims that it did not, could not, and would not delete two of your most important files and vows to find the virus that did it.

Ross Perot Virus--Activates every component in your system, just before the whole damn thing quits.

Ted Turner Virus--Colorizes your monochrome monitor.

Dan Quayle Virus--Their is sumthing rong wit your're komputer, we jsut can't figyour out watt.

Here is a list of the ways professors here at the American University grade their final exams:

Dept Of Statistics: All grades are plotted along the normal bell curve.

Dept Of Psychology: Students are asked to blot ink in their exam books, close them and turn them in. The professor opens the books and assigns the first grade that comes to mind.

Dept Of History: All students get the same grade they got last year.

Dept Of Religion: Grade is determined by God.

Dept Of Philosophy: What is a grade?

Law School: Students are asked to defend their position of why they should receive an A.

Dept Of Mathematics: Grades are variable.

Dept Of Logic: If and only if the student is present for the final and the student has accumulated a passing grade then the student will receive an A else the student will not receive an A.

Dept Of Computer Science: Random number generator determines grade.

Music Department: Each student must figure out his grade by listening to the instructor play the corresponding note ( and - would be sharp and flat respectively).

Dept Of Physical Education: Everybody gets an A

1. A NUMBER OF DIFFERENT APPROACHES ARE BEING TRIED - We are still pissing in the wind.
2. EXTENSIVE REPORT IS BEING PREPARED ON A FRESH APPROACH TO THE PROBLEM - We just hired three kids fresh out of college.
3. CLOSE PROJECT COORDINATION - We know who to blame.
4. MAJOR TECHNOLOGICAL BREAKTHROUGH - It works OK, but looks very hi-tech.
5. CUSTOMER SATISFACTION IS DELIVERED ASSURED - We are so far behind schedule the customer is happy to get it delivered.
6. PRELIMINARY OPERATIONAL TESTS WERE INCONCLUSIVE - The darn thing blew up when we threw the switch.
7. TEST RESULTS WERE EXTREMELY GRATIFYING - We are so surprised that the stupid thing works.
8. THE ENTIRE CONCEPT WILL HAVE TO BE ABANDONED - The only person who understood the thing quit.
9. IT IS IN THE PROCESS - It is so wrapped up in red tape that the situation is about hopeless.
10. WE WILL LOOK INTO IT - Forget it! We have enough problems for now.
11. PLEASE NOTE AND INITIAL - Let's spread the responsibility for the screw up.
12. GIVE US THE BENEFIT OF YOUR THINKING - We'll listen to what you have to say as long as it doesn't interfere with what we've already done.
13. GIVE US YOUR INTERPRETATION - I can't wait to hear this bull!
14. SEE ME or LET'S DISCUSS - Come into my office, I'm lonely.
15. ALL NEW - Parts not interchangeable with the previous design.
16. RUGGED - Too damn heavy to lift!
17. LIGHTWEIGHT - Lighter than RUGGED.
18. YEARS OF DEVELOPMENT - One finally worked.
19. ENERGY SAVING - Achieved when the power switch is off.
20. LOW MAINTENANCE - Impossible to fix if broken.

AMNESIA: Condition that enables a woman who has gone through labor to have sex again.

DUMBWAITER: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert.

FAMILY PLANNING: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster.

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when your baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots.

FULL NAME: What you call your child when you're mad at him.

GRANDPARENTS: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

IMPREGNABLE: A woman whose memory of labor is still vivid.

INDEPENDENT: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say.

OW: The first word spoken by children with older siblings.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

SHOW OFF: A child who is more talented than yours.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies.

TWO-MINUTE WARNING: When the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises.

VERBAL: Able to whine in words.

WHODUNIT: None of the kids that live in your house.

A rather senile old lady went to her doctor complaining of draining and a feeling of fullness in her ear. After the examination, the doctor initiated a conversation that went as follows:

- Doctor: Why madam, I think you have a suppository in your ear.

- Lady: ?eh?

- Doctor: Madam - You have a SUPPOSITORY in your EAR!

- Lady: ?? EH??

- Doctor: (shouting) --IN YOUR EAR! --A SUPPOSITORY!!!

- Lady: Oh, thank Goodness - now I know where I put my hearing aid!