Worst jokes

An elephant is walking through the jungle when she gets a thorn in her foot. She is in absolute agony until an ant strolls by. So the elephant says:

- Help me, help me.

But the ant refuses unless the elephants agrees to let the ant have his wicked way with her.

Replies the elephant:

- Anything! Anything!

So, out comes the thorn and up gets the ant and proceeds to enjoy himself. Meanwhile, in a tree directly above them, a monkey, who witnessed the whole episode, was in knots of laughter. Consequently he fell out of the tree on top of the elephant.

Says the elephant:

- Ouch!

Says the ant, in his own little frenzy:

- Suffer BITCH, SUFFER!!!

How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding?
→ He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.

How do you stop a Polish army on horseback?
→ Turn off the carousel.

A Polak wanted to join an amateur baseball team. The coach looked him over and decided to give him a chance.

- I will give you three questions - said the coach.

- If you come back in a week and answer them all correctly, you're on the team.

- Fair enough! - said the Polak eagerly.

The coach proceeded:

- Here are your questions. First, how many days are there in a week that start with the letter 'T'? Second, how many seconds are there in a year? And third, how many d's are there in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'

Next week, the Polak came back, feeling all confident that he knew the right answers. So again the coach said:

- So how many days in the week that start with 'T'?

The Polak said:

- Two!

- Very good! - said the coach.

- And what are they?

- Today and Tomorrow!

- Hmm... OK - said the coach.

- How many seconds are there in a year?

- Twelve!

- Twelve? How did you come up with twelve? The coach was perplexed.

- Well - said the Polak.

- there's the second of January, the second of February, the second of...

- Um.. OK - broke in the coach.

- How many d's in 'Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer?'

- Oh, that is easy! - laughed the Polak.

- Three hundred and sixty-five!

- WHAT? - cried the coach.

- How did you get that figure?

To which the Polak sang:

- dee dee dee-dee-dee dee-dee....

A Polak saw a priest walking down the street. Noticing his collar, he stopped him and said:

- Excuse me, but why are you wearing your shirt backwards?

The priest laughed:

- Because, my son, I am a Father!

The Polak scratched his head:

- But I am a father too, and I don't wear my shirt backwards!

Again the priest laughed:

- But I am a Father of thousands!

To which the Polak replied:

- Well then you should wear your shorts backwards!

A Polak went to a carpenter and said:

- Can you build me a box that is two inches high, two inches wide, and fifty feet long?

- Hmm... - mused the carpenter.

- It could be done, I suppose, but what would you want a box like that for?

- Well, you see - said the Polak.

- my neighbor moved away and forgot some things, so he asked me to send him his garden hose.

Did you hear about the latest Polish invention?

It's a solar-powered flashlight.

Three scientists were one day discussing what would happen if they rammed a cork up an elephant's backside and force fed it for 2 weeks. But because the experiment had never been documented and the idea was hard to comprehend they decided to have a go.

A week after the experiment had started they began to realize WHY the idea had never been tried: they were stuck for someone to pull the cork out.

One of the scientists came up with the bright idea of training a monkey to do the job, so they spent the next week training it to pull out corks once a buzzer had rung, then push it back in for another go. When the big day arrived they set up all the monitoring equipment and moved out to a safe distance.

The first scientist went 1 mile away, the second went 2 miles away and the third went 3 miles. When they were all ready the first scientist pushed the button to sound the buzzer. BBBAAANNNGGG!!!!!!!

The third scientist (3 miles away) was up to his ankles in shit, the second (2 miles away) was up to his knees and the first (1 mile away) was up to his waist. When the others joined the scientist who was 1 mile away they noticed that he was in fits of laughter.

- What the %$*& is so funny? - asked one of the scientist.

- You should have seen the monkey's face trying to get the cork back in!!!

A Polak wanted to learn how to sky dive. He got an instructor and started lessons. The instructor told the Polak to jump out of the plane and pull his rip cord. The instructor then explained that he himself would jump out right behind him so that they would go down together. The Polak understood and was ready.

The time came to have the Polak jump from the air plane. The instructor reminded the Polak that he would be right behind him. The Polak proceeded to jump from the plane and after being in the air for a few seconds pulled the rip cord. The instructor followed by jumping from the plane. The instructor pulled his rip cord but the parachute did not open. The instructor, frantically trying to get his parachute open, darted past the Polak.

The Polak seeing this yelled, as he undid the straps to his parachute:

- So you wanna race, eh?

An Italian, an American, and a Polak were captured by the French for various crimes and are taken to the Guillotine.

The executioner places the Italian on the block and asks if he has any last words. The Italian replies:

- I pray to the Virgin Mary that I may live.

They drop the blade it it stops a mere inch above the Italian's neck. Amazed, the French let him go.

Next, the American is put in position and asked if he has any final words. He replies:

- In the name of Jesus Christ, please have mercy.

They drop the blade, and again it stops just an inch from the American's neck. In disbelief, they let him go free.

Then the Polak is placed on the block, and they ask if he has any last words.

He says:

- Yeah. You've got a knot in your rope.