A man and woman were lying in bed on night and the woman said to the man:
- I sure wish I had bigger tits.
The man responded by saying she should rub toilet paper all over them.
The woman looked at him and asked:
- Toilet paper, what will that do?
The man said:
- I don't know, but look what it's done for your ass!
Bill Clinton and Hillary were travelling in a car.
They stopped at a filling station. They saw Hillary's young lover there. Bill said to Hillary if you were still with him, you were the wife of a filling station owner.
Hillary said:
- NO! Then he would be the president of United States
Man - A Chemical Analysis
Element: Man
Symbol: Ah (short for Asshole)
Quantitative: Accepted at 7 inches though some isotopes can be as short as 4inches.
Discoverer: Eve (discovered by accident one day when she had a craving for ribs)
Occurrence: Found following duel element Wo, often in high concentration near a perfect Wo specimen.
Physical properties:
a) Surface often covered with hair; bristly in some areas, soft in others.
b) Boils when inconvenienced, freezes when faced with Logic and Common Sense, melts if treated like a God.
c) Obnoxious when mixed with C*H*-OH (any alcohol).
d) Can cause headaches and severe body aches; handle with extreme caution.
e) Tends to fall into very low energy state directly after reaction with Wo (Snore... zzzzz).
f) Gains considerable mass as specimen ages, loses reactive nature.
g) Specimens can be found in various states ranging from deeply sensitive to extremely thick.
h) Rarely found in pure form after 14th year.
i) Often damaged as a direct result of unlucky reaction with polluted form of the Wo common ore.
j) When pressure is applied, becomes stiff and unyielding; yields only when subtlety, subterfuge, flattery are applied
Chemical properties:
a) All forms desire reaction with Wo, even when no further reaction is possible.
b) May react with several Wo isotopes in short period under extremely favorable conditions.
c) Most powerful embittering and aggravating agent known to Wo.
d) Usually willing to react with whatever is available.
e) Reaction Rates range from aborted/non-existent to pre-interaction effects (which tend to turn the specimen bright red.
f) Reaction styles vary from extremely slow, calm and wet to violent/bloody.
g) When saturated with alcohols, will be fairly inert and will repel most other elements.
h) Is repelled by most household appliances and common household cleansers.
i) Is repelled by small children clothed in diapers, particularly those of the malodorous variety.
j) Is neutral to common courtesy and fairness.
Storage:
a) Best results apparently near 18 for high reaction rate, 25-35 for favorable reaction style.
Uses:
a) Heavy boxes, top shelves, long walks late at night, free dinners for Wo...
b) Can be used in recreational activities.
Tests:
a) Pure specimen will rarely reveal purity, while reacted specimens broadcast information on many wavelengths.
Caution:
a) Tends to react extremely violently when other Man interferes with reaction to a particular Wo specimen. Otherwise very maleable under correct conditions.
A woman called in a repairman to fix her television. Just as he finished, the woman heard her husband's key in the lock.
- Hurry, - she said to the repairman:
- you'll have to hide. My husband is insanely jealous.
There was no time to run out the back door, so the repairman hid inside the TV console. The husband came in and plopped down in his favorite chair to watch some football. Inside the TV, the repairman was all squished up and getting hotter and hotter. Finally, he couldn't stand it anymore. He climbed out, marched across the room and out the front door.
The husband looked at the TV set, looked at his wife, looked back at the set again and said:
- I didn't see the referee send that guy off the field, did you?
A man came home a day early from a business trip and discovered his wife in the midst of passionate lovemaking with a total stranger in their bedroom. He demandingly asked:
- What on earth are you doing?!?!!
The wife turned to the other man and replied:
- See, I told you he was as dumb as a post.
God created Adam and informed him that he had given him a brain and a penis. The brain was a good gift as it allowed him to do many things.
The penis was also a good thing as it allowed the race to continue. The problem was that God had only given Adam enough of a blood supply so that he could only use one of them at a time.
Men are naturally competitive. Even in the Garden of Eden, Adam was afraid Eve would like the snake's fruit better than his.
God created man before creating woman, because you need a rough draft before you create a masterpiece.
Man says to God:
- God, why did you make woman so beautiful? - God says:
- So you would love her.
- But God, - the man says - why did you make her so dumb?
- So she would love you. - God replies.
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor...
- I feel real good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a five dollar bill to a bum.
- You mean you gave a bum five dollars? That's a lot of money to give away like that. What did you husband say about it?
- Oh, he thought it was the thing to do. He said:
- Thanks.
- Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
- Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
- Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
- Joe: They all died, Jim.
- Jim: How did that happen?
- Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
- Jim: How terrible! And your second?
- Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
- Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
- Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
- Jim: I see, an accident.
- Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn't eat her mushrooms.
