Worst jokes

A young Catholic priest decided to enter a monastery. He joined one particularly strict sect. The head monk told him, at his indoctrination, that they were sworn to TOTAL silence. They could not speak one word at all. However, every ten years, they would be permitted to speak two words.

After 10 years of total silence, the head monk indicated it was now time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- Bed hard!

And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- Food bad!

And then he resumed his silent study and work.

Another 10 years passed and the head monk again indicated it was time for him to speak his two words. The monk said:

- I quit!

The head monk shook his head and said:

- I knew this was coming. You've done nothing but complain for the past 30 years!

An 80-year-old man is having his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he's feeling:

- I've never been better! - he replies.

- I've got an 18-year-old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?

The doctor considers this for a moment, then says:

- Well, let me tell you a story. I know a guy who's an avid hunter. He never misses a season. But one day he's in a bit of a hurry and he accidentally grabs his umbrella instead of his gun.

So he's in the woods and suddenly a grizzly bear appears in front of him! He raises up his umbrella, points it at the bear, and squeezes the handle. The bear drops dead in front of him, suffering from a bullet wound in its chest.

- That's impossible! Someone else must have shot that bear - the man said.

- Exactly - replies the Doc.

A man walks into a bar with his pet crocodile, the bartender screams and demands he get the man eating creature out of there!

The man tries to calm the bartender down and says he is very well trained to prove it the man whipped out his cock and put it in the crocodile's mouth, then he hit the crocodile over the head and after a few good smacks he pulls it out and shows the bar tender:

- Look, no marks.

The bartender is still unsure so the man asks...

- Would anyone else like to try?

The bar is quiet and a few minutes later a blonde in the corner stands up and says...

- I will but don't smack me on the head!

What is Green, Slimy, and Smells like Pork?
→ Kermit's Dick

In downtown Roanoke, at a crowded bus stop, a good friend of mine was waiting for her bus. She's very attractive and was decked out in a tight leather mini skirt with matching tight leather boots and jacket. As the bus rolled up and it became her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step on the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver she reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. Again she tried to make the step onto the bus only to discover she still couldn't!

So, a little more embarrassed she once again reached behind her and unzipped her skirt a little more and for a second time attempted the step and once again, much to her chagrin she could not raise her leg because of the tight skirt.

So, with a coy little smile to the driver she again unzipped the offending skirt to give a little more slack and again was unable to make the step.

About this time a big burly man that was behind her in the line picked her up easily from the waist and placed her lightly on the step of the bus. Well, she went ballistic and turned to the would-be hero screeching at him:

- How dare you touch me!! I don't even know who you are!

At this, the big guy drawled:

- Well ma'am normally I would agree with you but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured that we were friends!

A young blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes in the worst way, but was very reluctant to pay the high prices the local vendors were asking.

After becoming very frustrated with the "no haggle" attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the blonde shouted:

- Maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!

The shopkeeper said:

- By all means, be my guest. Maybe you'll luck out and catch yourself a big one!

Determined, the blonde turned and headed for the swamps, set on catching herself an alligator.

Later in the day, the shopkeeper is driving home when he spots the young woman standing waist deep in the water, shotgun in hand. Just then, he sees a huge 9 foot alligator swimming quickly toward her.

She takes aim, kills the creature and with a great deal of effort hauls it on to the swamp bank. Laying nearby were several more of the dead creatures.

The shopkeeper watches in amazement. Just then the blonde flips the alligator on it's back, and frustrated, shouts out:

- This one isn't wearing any shoes either!

A man was on his first business trip to Japan, and he decided to check out the local Whore House. He walked in and was assigned a young girl with a body that got him "up" immediately. As soon as they reached the room, he started ripping her clothes off and going to town.

Moaning and grunting, the girl was screaming in Japanese:

- Wasukima! Wasukima!

He was sure that she was praising him for his good job, so he kept going harder than ever.

Later, he went golfing with his boss and a few clients.

As the clients were Japanese, he decided to impress them with his new knowledge of their language. When one of them got a hole in one, he raised his arms and shouted:

- Wasukima!

All of the men looked at him quizzically, and one of them asked:

- Why are you shouting 'wrong hole'?

Yo mamma's so fat the cops had to use "The Jaws of life" to get her INTO her car!

What do you call a Sleeping Bull?
→ A Bull-Dozer!

Ha ha ha, very funny Scottie....

NOW BEAM DOWN MY CLOTHES!!