Sport Jokes — most viewed jokes

What's the chilliest ground in the premiership?
→ Cold Trafford!

How did the football pitch end up as triangle?
→ Somebody took a corner!

Why didn't the dog want to play football?
→ It was a boxer!

What did they call Dracula when he won the league?
→ The champire!

Which England player keeps up the fuel supply?
→ Paul gas coin!

- Manager: I'll give you fifty pounds a week to start with and a hundred pounds a week in a year's time.

- Young player: OK, I'll come back in a year's time!

- Manager: Twenty teams in the league and you lot finish bottom?

- Captain: Well, it could have been worse.

- Manager: How?

- Captain: There could have been more teams in the league!

• Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer after every use.
• Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half of your head before you go to bed each night.
• If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smeared on the lenses.
• Throw away a hundred dollar bill - now.
• Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20 times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessory bag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car. Sporadically drop things.
• Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line them with crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around your toes.
• Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
• Secure one of your ankles to a bed post and ask a friend to run into you at high speed.
• Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for a hamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
• Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride a motorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
• Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it's in a snowstorm and you're following an 18 wheeler.
• Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let the spray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until it melts. Let it drip into your clothes.
• Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed to take them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
• Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.

Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday until it's time for the real thing.

Why are there no Olympic Team Cuban swimmers?
→ Cause all the Cuban who can swim are here already!

Which goal keeper can jump higher than a crossbar?
→ All of them, a crossbar can't jump!

Why do grasshoppers not go to many football matches?
→ They prefer cricket matches!

What stories are told by basketball players?
→ Tall stories!

Who won the race between two balls of string?
→ They were tied!

Why are football players never asked for dinner?
→ Because they're always dribbling!

Why did the footballer hold his boot to his ear?
→ Because he liked sole music!

What tea do footballers drink?
→ Penaltea!

Where do footballers dance?
→ At a football!

Robert A. Chase, 45, was charged with threatening an 11-year-old boy with a knife in Madison, Wis. The boy was watching Chase play basketball with another adult when the opponent accused Chase of "traveling" (taking steps without dribbling the ball).

To seek an impartial opinion, Chase asked the boy, but the boy agreed that Chase had traveled. Chase then allegedly grabbed the boy, held a knife to his throat, and asked, "Now. Did I travel?"

A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local race track to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one. As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child.

"I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.

"No ma'am" he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."

"And the halftime score here at the Colleusium is Lions 7, Christians Nothing. We'll be right back after these messages..."

Did you hear about the new downhill racing skis the ski resorts are selling this year?
→ They are called Lewin-skis. They are for people who like to go down.

What lights up a football stadium?
→ A football match!

If you have a referee in football, what do you have in bowls?
→ Cornflakes!

Why aren't football stadiums built in outer space?
→ Because there is no atmosphere!

Where do spiders play their FA Cup final?
→ Webley stadium!

When fish play football, who is the captain?
→ The team's kipper!

- Ref: I'm sending you off.

- Player: What for?

- Ref: The rest of the match!

Why is it that birds are quickly sold when they come up on the transfer market?
→ They tend to go cheep!

What is a goal keepers favourite snack?
→ Beans on post!

It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's performance. In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"