Situations — most viewed jokes

• On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
• Outside a Radiator Repair Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
• In a Non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."
• On Maternity Room door: "Push, Push, Push."
• On a Front Door: "Everyone on the premises is a vegetarian except the dog."
• At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
• On a Scientist's door: "Gone Fission"
• On a Taxidermist's window: "We really know our stuff."
• In a Podiatrist's window: "Time wounds all heels."
• On a Butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."
• On another Butcher's window: "Pleased to meat you."
• At a Used Car Lot: "Second Hand cars in first crash condition."
• On a fence: "Salesmen welcome. Dog food is expensive."
• At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
• Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."
• Outside a Hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."
• At an Auto Body Shop: "May we have the next dents?"
• In a Dry Cleaner's Emporium: "Drop your pants here."
• On a desk in a Reception Room: "We shoot every 3rd salesman, and the 2nd one just left."
• In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
• On a Music Teacher's door: "Out Chopin."
• At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."
• In a Beauty Shop: "Dye now!"
• On the side of a Garbage Truck: "We've got what it takes to take what you've got." (Burglars please copy.)
• On the door of a Computer Store: "Out for a quick byte."
• In a Restaurant window: "Don't stand there and be hungry, come in and get fed up."
• Inside a Bowling Alley: "Please be quiet. We need to hear a pin drop."
• In a Cafeteria: "Shoes are required to eat in the cafeteria. Socks can eat any place they want."
• On the door of a Music Library: "Bach in a minuet."
• In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully, we'll wait."
• In a Counselor's office: "Growing old is mandatory. Growing wise is optional."

Mary was having a tough day and had stretched herself out on the couch to do a bit of what she thought to be well-deserved complaining and self-pitying. She moaned to her mom and brother, "Nobody loves me.. the whole world hates me!"

Her brother, busily occupied playing a game, hardly looked up at her and passed on this encouraging word: "That's not true, Mary. Some people don't even know you."

The Captain called the Sergeant in.

"Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones' mother died yesterday.

Better go tell him and send him in to see me."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops.
"Listen up, men," says the Sergeant. "Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Oh by the way,

Jones, your mother died, report to the commander."

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. "Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn't you be a bit more tactful, next time?"

"Yes, sir," answered the Sarge.

A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with, "Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath's mother died. You'd better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful."

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. "Ok, men, fall in and listen up." "Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward." "Not so fast, McGrath!"

• Old telephone books make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and addresses of people you don't know.
• Fool other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the curb.
• Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork and rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning enabled me to lose 12 pounds in only 2 days.
• Avoid parking tickets by leaving your windshield wipers turned to fast wipe whenever you leave your car parked illegally.
• No time for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.
• Apply red nail polish to your nails before clipping them. The red nails will be much easier to spot on your bathroom carpet. (Unless you have a red carpet, in which case a contrasting polish should be selected).
• If a person is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down their throat and presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.
• Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The following morning you can create the effects of hangover by drinking a thimble full of dish washing liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

A woman meant to call a record store but dialed the wrong number and got a private home instead.

"Do you have 'Eyes of Blue' and 'A Love Supreme'?" she asked.

"Well, no," answered the puzzled homeowner. "But I have a wife and eleven children."

"Is that a record?" she inquired.

"I don't think so," replied the man, "but it's as close as I want to get."

A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and a smoking crater where his house used to be.

The chief of police comes over to him and tells him, "While you were out, the conductor came to your house, killed your family, and burned the house down."

The violist replied, "You're kidding! The conductor came to my house?"

• At communion you go back for seconds.
• You think of a lottery ticket as an investment.
• You're formulating a plan to rob the food bank.
• Long distance companies don't call you to switch.
• You give blood everyday.. just for the orange juice.
• McDonald's is the supplier of all your kitchen condiments.
• American Express calls and says: "Leave home without it!"
• Your idea of a 7-course meal is taking a deep breath outside a restaurant.
• You've rolled so many pennies, you've formed a psychic bond with Abe Lincoln.

There was a Packers fan with a really crappy seat at Lambeau. Looking with his binoculars, he spotted an empty seat on the 50-yard line. Thinking to himself "what a waste" he made his way down to the empty seat.

When he arrived at the seat, he asked the man sitting next to it, "Is this seat taken?" The man replied, "This was my wife's seat. She passed away. She was a big Packers fan." The other man replied, "I'm so sorry to hear of your loss. May I ask why you didn't give the ticket to a friend or a relative?"

The man replied, "They're all at the funeral."

I was in las Vegas, when a man walked up to me and "sir do you have a extra $20.00, my wife needs an operation that costs $1000.00. I have $980.00 and just need the last $20.00"

Well I thought about, when I ask the man, how will I know that you are going to walk into that casino and gamble it away.

Well the man replied "No sir... I have money for gambling."

How to identify where a driver is from...

• One hand on wheel, one hand on horn: New York
• One hand on wheel, one finger out window: Chicago
• One hand on wheel, one hand on newspaper, foot solidly on accelerator: Boston
• One hand on wheel, cradling cell phone, brick on accelerator: California (with gun in lap: L.A.)
• Both hands on wheel, eyes shut, both feet on brake, quivering in terror: Ohio, but driving in California.
• Both hands in air, gesturing, both feet on accelerator, head turned to talk to someone in back seat: Italy
• One hand on latte, one knee on wheel, cradling cell phone, foot on brake, mind on game: Seattle
• One hand on wheel, one hand on hunting rifle, alternating between both feet being on the accelerator and both on the brake, throwing a McDonalds bag out the window: Texas city male
• One hand on wheel, one hand hanging out the window, keeping speed steadily at 70mph, driving down the center of the road unless coming around a blind curve, in which case they are on the left side of the road: Texas country male
• One hand constantly refocusing the rear-view mirror to show different angles of the BIG hair, one hand going between mousse, brush, and rat-tail to keep the helmet hair going, both feet on the accelerator, poodle steering the car, chrome .38 revolver with mother of pearl inlaid handle in the glove compartment: Texas female
• Both hands on steering wheel in a relaxed posture, eyes constantly checking the rear-view mirror to watch for visible emissions from their own or another's car: Colorado
• One hand on steering wheel, yelling obscenities, the other hand waving gun out the window and firing repeatedly, keeping a careful eye out for landmarks along the way so as to be able to come back and pick up any bullets that didn't hit other motorists so as not to litter: Colorado resident on spotting a car with Texas plate.
• Four wheel drive pickup truck, shotgun mounted in rear window, beer cans on floor, squirrel tails attached to antenna: West Virginia male.
• Junker, driven by someone who previously had a nice car and who is now wearing a barrel: Las Vegas
• Two hands gripping wheel, blue hair barely visible above window level, driving 35 on the interstate in the left lane with the left blinker on: Florida "seasoned citizen" driver, also known as "no-see-um" .... also seen a lot in Parksville!!!