Situations — most viewed jokes

A man was caught for speeding and went before the judge.

The judge said, "What will you take....30 days or $30."

The man replied, "I think I'll take the money."

Did you hear about the bear hunter?

Well, he was out hunting for bears one day, and soon came across a large, trophy sized bear. He raised his rifle and took careful aim. Just as he was about to pull the trigger, the bear turned and began to speak to him!

"Isn't it better to talk than to shoot? What do you want? Let's negotiate the matter," said the bear.

Lowering his rifle in shock, the hunter thought a second, and then replied, "I want a fur coat."

If there was an animal called Yabba Dabba, and if you decided keep it as a pet it your back yard, you will eventually step in Yabba Dabba Doo!

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people insane:

• Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)
• Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
• Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'
• Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
• Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
• Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."
• Dont use any punctuation in your emails
• Ask people what sex they are. When they answer, say "are you sure"?
• Stand in front of your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

A man's house is on fire. No help is in sight so he takes matters into his own hands.

He runs out of the house with his son and tells him to wait outside.

Then he runs back in and gets is daughter and brings her ouside.

Then his wife. Then the dog. Then the cat.

Then he goes back in "3 more times" without bringing out anybody or anything.

So a bystander is curious and asks him, "Why do you keep going back into your burning house and not coming out with anything?"

The man replies, "I'm turning over my mother in law."

On a flight to Florida, I was preparing my notes for one of the parent-education seminars I conduct as an educational psychologist.

The elderly woman sitting next to me explained that she was returning to Miami after having spent two weeks visiting her six children, 18 grandchildren and ten great-grandchildren in Boston.

Then she inquired what I did for a living.

I told her, fully expecting her to question me for free professional advice.

Instead she sat back, picked up a magazine and said, "If there's anything you want to know, just ask me."

A new business was opening and one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion. They arrived at the new business site and the owner read the card; it said "Rest in Peace". The owner was angry and called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said, "Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have flowers with a note saying, "Congratulations on your new location."

- People keep telling me I'm beautiful.

- What vivid imaginations some people have.

It was July 4th and this guy was roasting a chicken on a rotisserie and had begun to hand-crank it to ensure all areas were evenly done. It was now getting golden brown and juices were causing some flames to lick the chicken as he turned it.

Just then, a drunk stumbled into the guy's yard, looked at the scene and exclaimed...

"Hey buddy, not only is your music box not making any music, but your monkey's on fire!"

A red-head, a brunette, and a blonde went on a trip to the desert.

They each brought one item for survival.

The red-head brought water. The blonde asked, "Why?" The red-head replied, "To prevent us from dying of thirst."

The brunette brought food. The blonde asked, "Why?" The brunette replied, "To prevent us from dying of hunger."

The blonde brought a car door. The red-head and brunette asked, "Why?" The blonde replied, "To roll down the window if it gets hot."